Is there any hope?

[devistated]

I and my wife are both Christians. I mean that we both have confessed our sins and received forgiveness through Christ's blood. We have been married for almost 26 years but my wife appears to be having an affair. She denies it but I had an investigator follow her. She kissed the man and he grabbed her from behind and laid his head on her back hugged her and bent down and bit her bottom.

She has been lying to me about the whole thing.  Even when she confesses something usually I find out that she has still lied about something.

She has been spending blocks of time, 2-4 hours, with him at his house. When confronted she still denies any physical involvement. She says she can't say she will stop going there.

She does say she does not have any feelings for me and is only concerned about our children.

I don't know what to do. She will not go for counseling.

Is there any hope?

What should I do?

[Forum Administrator]

Hello devistated. It sounds as if your marital house is crumbling. Something has shaken the very foundation of your marriage, but as long as there is God, there is hope. Do not try to build on a foundation that is already damaged. You must lay a new foundation for your marriage. I am working on a new book and it is based on an obscure passage in Deuteronomy 24:5 which says:

5When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year and shall cheer his wife whom he has taken.

This lets us know that in God's view, a husband must make his wife's happiness a priority, so much so, that for the first year of his marriage, cheering up his wife should be his singular focus. Obviously, after twenty-six years of marriage, you are long past that first year window. Also, I'm not suggesting that you quit your job or any such thing; that's not the point of the verse. The point is that God places priority on how the husband treats his wife. This also does not mean that such focus should only be for a year and then tossed out the window. That is also a mistake that is made. This priority must be an ongoing one.

Now, somewhere along the way, your wife became unhappy. Find out why. You may ask your wife, even though at this point, she may not readily offer this information, or it may be so explosive and pushed down within her she doesn't want to deal with it. Ask the Lord to show you. Don't make the mistake of presuming to know what it is that is causing the trouble between the two of you. You may not want to hear what she has to say or what the Lord reveals to you, but humble yourself because God is holding you responsible for your wife's care and well-being.

Whether she opens up to you or not, God has told you, as a husband, how to cheer up your wife. Start with the following two passages: Ephesians 5:25-33a

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself

Also, 1 Peter 3:7 says

In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God's unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]

These two verses are a good place to start. We are about to enter into a new year. Dedicate 2010 to cheering up your wife, not with apologies; not with mere words, but with consistent action and with the Word. Anything God commands you to do, He has equipped you to do. Go to Him and ask Him to help you live out these verses. Demand nothing of your wife. This is now about you and what you resolve to do. Make a place in your heart and your marriage that is so welcoming and inviting, she will run into it with no desire to ever leave it.

There is a whole lot more that I can say, but that is the reason I am writing this next book. I will be blogging it online for free so that people can get the help they need. You will get chapter by chapter insights into how to cheer up your wife so stay tuned beginning in the early months of 2010. However, don't wait for the book, start now with the information you've received so far. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to cheer up your wife.

[devistated]

I appreciate your input and agree that I have not made her happy.  This is not for lack of trying though.  There was a time that I was working around the house all the time trying to please her.  Then I transitioned to child care and dishes and picking up after the kids.  We have adopted a child with Fetal Alcohol syndrome and he is a handful to say the least.  Most days my wife is pulling her hair out with him. 

My wife has told me that she really has never loved me, but was in love with someone else she was with for years before me, her first love.  She says the man she is seeing, she does not love in a romantic way.  She admits to only playfully kissing with him, but has spent hours in his house.  There is one more complicating factor he is the biological father of our adopted daughter.  This was an open adoption.  My wife has said multiple times now that she would like to leave and live on her own (with our children). 

My wife is reading a book by Sandi Patti which as far as I know she had an affair and she and her lover both got divorces from their spouses and got married.  She says she apologized to her first husband but is now better off.  I just don't know who you go to, to break your first marriage vow and to make a new vow to honor.  Who is higher than God?

I will and have been trying to love her unconditionally and to make her happy.  I am being pushed away though.  She wants me to do things but not to be with her.  She is irate that I spent a lot of money trying to find out what was going on and will not receive any gifts from me.  I had tried for 2 months to just get the truth from her and what she was doing and she always lied to me.  That is why I went to a private investigator. (This is something she even said I could do, bluffing of course, when she was claiming innocence.)

I appreciate your biblical insight and am going to follow it.  I do ask for your prayers that God would touch her heart. 

Thank you