Is God Trying to Show Me Something Isn't Right?

[NubianQueen]

When I took my marriage vows 5 years ago, I really meant it when I said "till death do us part".  But when is enough enough, or am I seeing what's not there?

My husband and I have been married for 5 years.  Although we have both been married previously, his was very brief (too brief to count) and he admits that he never considered it a marriage.  We have been through the growing pains and challenges and though I know the Lord will bring me out of the storm, I question whether the Lord would direct me to walk away from my marriage.

The displays of love & affection that once existed only appear when he wants something from me, or feels that he needs to sweeten me up for something.  Although I once was the "Queen Snooper", I have prayed that God would not allow me to "look for something wrong".  But -- a few too many things are happening lately and I really don't know who/where to go to have someone not in the midst of it all give me a clearer understanding of what may or may not be happening.

Recently I discovered that he failed to pay a $150 utility bill.  When questioned about it, he swore he paid the bill and told me where he paid the bill.  I went to the location and had a customer service manager review all receipts for the week in question and found no payment had been submitted.  When I shared this with him, he became defensive by saying "so you are calling me a liar".

Next, his credit card bill arrived in the mail.  Since he is out of town for a month, I have been tasked with making sure all of the bills he normally pays are covered.  I was surprised at the balance and payment amount and looked over the bill to see why the bill was so high.  Only to find out he didnt pay it last month and he has charged it to its max. (Note - this card only has a $250 limit).  When I looked at the charges, some of the dates jumped out at me.  No, he didnt charge hotel rooms, etc., but he did make charges on dates in locations that I am not sure why he would be there.  Since I have previously been a victim of identity theft, I asked if the charges were valid.  His response "just pay the bill, no one asked you to investigate".  

One last incident....while is out of town, he left his cell phone with me in case certain family members who use the cell phone # instead of our home # to reach us needed to get in touch.  The night before he left, he made a big deal of giving me his phone and telling me not to lose it.  He also told me to make sure and use it some so we don't lose the minutes that will expire soon.  A few days after he left, I logged into the cell phone's website to verify how many minutes I needed to spend and was presented with the call activity.  Yes, I scanned it and to my surprise found NUMEROUS calls to/from a few numbers that were foreign to me.  After a little more research, I found there were about 7 numbers that were not stored in his phone book, but yet they are called regularly.  YES, I looked up the numbers and 1/2 of them belong to one young lady.  I asked him who she was, and he denied knowing who she was and her numbers.  I never told him that I had looked at the bill.

I know I have done wrong in this, but I know God did not order wives to be stupid.  (I am sorry this got wordy, but I am at a point where I don't know where to go and the crying inside seems to make it hard to hear what God may be trying to tell me.)//

[Forum Administrator]

A woman's intuition is a very powerful thing. It is that sense of knowing something that we cannot explain. It is God-given. There is, however, a difference between intuition and suspicion. Suspicion is a sense of uncertainty that is based on something that has not been proven. As Christians, we have been given principles that help to guide our conduct. One of the things we are told to do is to prove (carefully examine) all things, and hold on to what is good (I Thessalonians 5:21). Suspicion, when it pertains to what we think might be wrong, is never a good thing because one of two things will be true: what you suspect will be true or what you suspect will not be true. Either way, there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
 
You've asked the question, Am I seeing what is not there? and that is an excellent question. Really, it's two questions in one: Am I seeing? and What is not there? So, first, let me ask you, are you seeing? Is your vision or perspective clear or is there something in your "eye" that may be clouding your vision? Before you can even begin to attempt to try to address what may or may not be a problem in your husband, make sure your own vision is clear (Matthew 7:1-5). While your husband is away, use this as a time of personal reflection and honest self-examination. Ask yourself the hard questions. What caused you to become the "Queen Snooper" to begin with? Is there something you suspect? If you do suspect something, what is it, and why? Ask the Lord to show you you.
 
When we peel back the layer of suspicion, we will often find distrust. That brings me to the next question, What is not there? Trust is not there. What happened to the trust? Was it ever there? If so, what caused your trust to shift? Did you have trust issues before you came into the marriage? Did something happen earlier in the marriage? These are some of the questions to consider that will help to give you a better perspective of what's happening. You must get to, and address (with help if necessary), the root of the problem otherwise, it will keep resurfacing.
 
You said that you have prayed that God would not allow you to "look for something wrong." That's a good prayer and a good practice. If you look long enough for something wrong, you will surely find it. A wise woman studies (carefully examines) her husband, but her goal in this careful examination should be to "hold on to what is good." As you have rightly pointed out, God's order for wives is that they be wise, not stupid. So what should you do if you suspect something is wrong?
 
Step 1. Examination. You must examine the cause of your suspicion. Did your husband give you a valid and concrete reason or basis for your suspicion? If the answer is 'no,' it's time to work on you and deal with whatever it is that is distorting your perception. If the answer is 'yes,' go to the next step.
 
Step 2. Preparation. Just as your husband has developed a strategy to get from you what he needs, you need to prayerfully and carefully develop your own strategy to get what you need from your husband. At a minimum, you and your husband need to be able to both accept and expect truth from each other, and you need to be able to trust one another. As I said before, study him. You've lived with him for five years and you've seen what approach puts him on the defensive. Set an atmosphere that will allow you to carry out the next step which is...
 
Step 3. Communication. It's time to talk. Set aside some time to sit down with your husband and share your heart with him. Choose your moment and your words carefully. Start by sharing with him what you have learned from your own self-examination. Then, let him know what's troubling you and why. Share with him how important it is for you to be able to trust him and for him to be able to trust you. Keep the focus on you and the problem you are struggling with. Focus on what you know to be true. Do not accuse him of anything and do not ask questions that are designed to prove a conclusion that you may have already reached in your mind. Remember, a suspicion is something that has not been proven. Don't draw any conclusions unless you have the facts. It's important that your husband understands that you are not out to get him or to prove him to be the bad guy. To borrow the words of an old song, remind him that you're "in this love together" and the decisions that he makes affect you and vice versa. Let him know that you want your marriage to work and be the best it can be, and you are prepared to do your part. You also need to know that he has the same commitment. Be prepared to listen to his side and resist the urge to be defensive.
 
In marriage, you have the right to hold your husband accountable for his responsibilities and vice versa. Keep in mind, however, that you cannot change anyone. You cannot force a person to be honest, but you can ask for honesty and make sure you are being honest yourself. You cannot force your husband be trustworthy, but you can let him know how important it is for you to know that he is trustworthy, and for him to know that you are someone that he can trust.

In future, when you want to get to the heart of a matter and you need to know the truth, know that you have a tremendous resource in prayer. When God does allow you to know when something is not right, He allows you to know so that you can change and/or so that He can use you as an agent of change. Ask God to allow you to clearly see what is and what is not true, and then ask Him to show you how you must change and/or how you can be an agent of change.

There will always be areas for adjustment and growth in marriage, whether it be for five or fifty years. God uses marriage to make us better. No matter what the trial is, God can use it to make you, and your husband, better.