Broken, Hurt & Confused

[tryin2findawayout3]

I was 18 years old when I met "Mike". We began to date when I was 19  and things were great between the both of us and we spent hours upon hours of quality time with each other. Although I was 19 years old in age, I had already undergone countless meaningless relationships with men that only left me Broken in spirit. I could tell that "Mike" was different from all the rest though. I didn't know why right then and there, But I soon found out. In the beginning, I thought it was because of the difference in our age; he was 29 and again I was 19. We dated for about 5 months,and then I found out the news...He was MARRIED to mother of his children. I was crushed when I found out. I didn't know how to handle the situation because I wasn't ready to accept nor believe the fact that he had lied to me about wanting me to be his wife; about wanting to have a family with me; and us being together forever. I had given up so much to be with someone that I innocently fell in love with. I just couldn't accept the fact that he lied to me after I had put so much into the relationship that I wanted so badly to work out. I ended up speaking to his wife and in doing so she informed me that it wasn't the first time that he had cheated on her, but it was the last. She told me that they were going to get a divorce. After a few days went by, he and I sat down and had what I thought was a heart to heart conversation. He too told me that he was ready to divorce her and move on with his life. At that point I wasn't 100% sure whether or not I wanted to continue my relationship with him, but as time went on, I forgave him and "forgot" about the situation and we continued to date. It seemed as though after I found out he was married that our relationship got stronger than it was before, there was nothing that we couldn't talk about  and I began to in a sense depend on him for my security. I felt safe when I was with him, like nothing or no one in this world could ever hurt me. After about 7 months of dating, I found out that I was pregnant. It wasn't really a surprise to either of us because it was something that we had both talked about. He seemed to be happy and things continued as normal until the holdiays came around.  I noticed he was acting different, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I guess because of the fact that I was so in love with him and engulfed by the dream of being his wife like he told me a thousand times. To make a long story short, within a month, all hopes and dreams of being his wife and making a family were shattered. He and his wife decided to get back together. I thought my world as I knew it had ended. I was by this time 3 months pregnant, hurt and alone. We argued and argued and I selfishly pleaded and pleaded with him to come back, but he never did. I decided that I had had enough and changed my phone number. We didn't speak again until I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. My feelings for him were still there and I couldn't control my emotions when he came around which continued to cause problems between us. During the last 7 months of my pregnancy he didn't contribute much to me for anything for my son. The little that he did do was nothing really to be mentioned because of the fact that my son already had everything he needed by the time he decided he wanted to be a dad. When it came time for me to give birth to my son, he was nowhere to be found. I pushed him out by MYSELF. He didn't show up to the hospital until 12 hours after I had given birth to the son that we both wanted so bad. By this time,I was hurt beyond belief but couldn't do anything but keep my head and continue to live for my son. My son is now a month old and I am still taking care of him by myself. He contributes little and nothing and comes to see him when its convenient for him or when he is given permission to do so by his wife. My question now is, what do I do to stay encouraged? I'm a 20 year old single mother, my baby's father is married, doesn't seem to care about me or his son. How do I get over the hurt and the guilt that I feel everytime I look at my son because I feel like I should have known better. How do I get over the situation? How  and when do I move on because I am still hurt and broken because of the situation? How do I cope with allowing my son to spend time with his father and his father's wife? How? How do I get on with my life without the one person that was once my everything? How do I deal with the fact that he acts as though I'm supposed to just get over this whole situation and allow my son to be in his life when I'm afraid he's going to do my son the same way he did me? How do I deal with the fact that my son is second best to the rest of his children? I just don't know how to move on. Please help!

[1EagleSky]

I was moved to tears as I read your story.

Do you have anything belonging to him that you can use to identify him and thus get child support? This could be his social security number, driver's license number (in some states, the driver's license number is not the same as your social security number), car license plate number, workplace ID information, etc.? Whether he wants to support you and acknowledge his son or not, you need to do all you can to assure that you receive child support.

I want you to take the next month and read the Book of Romans, especially focusing on chapter 12. I also want you to read the Book of Ephesians. The reason why I want you to do this is so that you can saturate yourself with God's love and learn who you are in Him, so that your self-image is molded based on who He says you are, not based on circumstances, people, and the ups and downs of emotional feelings. As you do this, you will find yourself slowly being transformed into God's image and who He says you are. Then you will grow stronger and stronger, and will never settle for less than God's best in any area of your life.

You have just turned 20 years old. You are still a child in the road of life. There is much you still do not know. This man was 29 when he met you. Not only was he older than you, he had experienced more of life than you. Contrary to that popular song that says, "Age ain't nothin' but a number", that is not true. This man was not only chronologically older than you, he was also more experienced in life experiences. He was wrong and didn't care that he took advantage of your innocence and youth, or that he's repeatedly cheated on his wife. This is an irresponsible, immature man who hasn't really grown up.

Where are you currently living? Are you staying with your parents or other relatives, are you living alone, or are you staying with a close friend or friends? You need a support system.

What about your employment and education status? Did you finish high school or obtain your GED? What are your future aspirations? I'll be honest: the road will be tough for you, but not impossible to make it. This is why having a support system is so important for your well being and that of your child.  Do you have any goals of attending a career training program or going to college? Many colleges have online courses you can take, so your time on your job or time spent taking care of your child won't be seriously hindered. If you are unable to obtain a job at the time, there are government programs that can help you in the meantime, such as WIC and AFDC. If you want to attend a career training program or college, you can receive government financial aid, which you won't have to pay back. Junior college is another option you might want to consider, as it is usually much less expensive than the various career training programs that air commercials on TV all the time. Junior college requires 60 credit hours to get your degree, but you can take a test in subject areas (up to 30 hours worth of subject area, usually the freshman and sophomore level general education courses: math, english, literature, and science)
for less than the cost of a semester's worth of classes. This exam is called the CLEP Exam, and by taking the various subject area exams, you can shave off the time you'd spend in JC and get your degree much faster. This will translate into better job opportunities for you and a better life for you and your son. Later, if you should decide to go to a university to get your 4 year degree, you will still be able to get free government financial aid, and if your grades are really good from the JC, you could possibly get a scholarship and a work study job as well. Many universities have day care centers on site, and even as  a work study recipient, you could still put your child in the campus day care while you go to class. I am mentioning college so much, because I want to see you both survive and thrive. Maybe his wife is continuing to stay married to him in spite of the numerous affairs because she feels she has nothing going for herself and depends on him for her livelihood. I don't want that to be true of you in any way, shape, or form. God will be with you. He loves you and understands. He forgives you for your involvement with this man and doesn't hold it against you. He wants you to realize you are forgiven and also to forgive yourself, so you can begin the healing process and move on with your life.

Do you live in a big city or more of a rural setting? Do you have access to public transportation? Do you own your own vehicle?

As much as you are hurting right now, do not "stuff" your feelings. Work through your feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss, disappointment, and anger. Allow God to heal you. Ask that He bring compassionate people into your life who will help you heal, and not spend time pointing fingers of blame for what has occurred. If you don't deal with your feelings, they will come out full force in inappropriate ways that will bring harm to you and your child. You are in my prayers. Keep me posted on what is going on. You are going to make it!

[David Dupree]

Hi Tryin and welcome to deepwaters. 

You should heed the words written above by 1eagle.  Use these lessons as a wake up call to as the old folks use to sing "get right with God, and do it now."  Again as it is said, If God is not Lord over all, then He is not Lord at all.  If you are not committing your total will over to His Will, you will again fall into "divers temptations." But when you get in to prayer and studying the Word and associating with saints who can speak into your life and help you gain strength, you will be better able to make this journey through life with the challenges that now face you: single parenting, absent father, baby momma/daddy drama. 

But by all means, go get the child support.  It is not for you, it is for the child and the child is due it. 

And the next time, prove all things by the Word of God.  If a guys actions and/or words do not line up with the Word of God, then "give no place to the devil."  The only way to do that is to "study to show yourself approved unto God..." 

There is no need to be hurt or confused.  Anytime you get into sex outside of marriage, meaning, outside of the Will of God, you open yourself up to all types of consequences.  You fell into the trap of sexual adultery.  He is married.  He lied.  Fool you once, shame on him.  You continued in it, even after you found out.  Fool you twice, shame on you! 

Yes, you should be a bit broken cause you fell for the okey doke.  But after the baby died, David got up and washed himself and went to worship.  Your relationship with this guy is dead, so get up, pick up the pieces, focus on God, yourself and your baby.  Your life is not beyond repair. 

And yes, your deepwaters family will be supportive.  We love you! 

dd

[HisPurpose]

Hi Trying!!

My heart was crushed as I read your post because I know the hurt and pain that you are experiencing right now.  I went through almost the same thing with my child's father as well.  Long story short ~ I was young and in love with him while he was planning a wedding with some one else.  I didn't find out he was married until my daughter was 10 months.  So I definitely know how hard it is to be a productive parent/person while going through this kind of pain. 

I know you don't see it now, but "Mike" going back to his wife was the best thing for you.  She will now have to deal with his disrespect, inconsideration, and all his other drama (I will keep her in prayer).  But please know that he is unable to give you what you deserve.  God wants us to have the best and "Mike" just wasn't it.  No fault of your own because the issues that he has are just that...HIS ISSUES.

While I'm no Forum Administrator  ...I will attempt to help answer your questions based on my experiences.   

My question now is, what do I do to stay encouraged?

Read your word to stay encouraged.  Talk to God to stay encouraged.  Surround yourself with supportive people to stay encouraged.  Look at your son to stay encouraged because it is now about him and he needs you.

I'm a 20 year old single mother, my baby's father is married, doesn't seem to care about me or his son. How do I get over the hurt and the guilt that I feel everytime I look at my son because I feel like I should have known better.

You now have a blessing.  A beautiful baby boy has come out of all of this and he is relying on you to be a good mother to him.  Don't feel guilt when you look at him because although you say you should have known better we all make mistakes but he is not a mistake.  Pray and ask God for strength, wisdom, comfort, and peace through this time. 

How do I get over the situation? How  and when do I move on because I am still hurt and broken because of the situation?

With time.  If you look at it this man was no good for you.  Rejoice that you got out of this relationship because he can't provide the love that you deserve.  Don't hold on to any "good" memories of what the relationship was because he is someone else's husband and you deserve to be more than "second."           

How do I cope with allowing my son to spend time with his father and his father's wife?

I know the image of them all being together hurts....this was the hardest thing for me.  However, it's not about him or her....only about your son.  When he gets your son, go out and have some fun.  Spend time with those supportive people or just go pamper yourself.  Go out and celebrate the fact that you escaped all the madness of this deceptive person.   

How do I get on with my life without the one person that was once my everything?

Please don't give this guy all the credit to say he was your everything.  It was all an illusion because he was dishonest from day one.  Get on with your life allowing you and your son to be your everything.

How do I deal with the fact that he acts as though I'm supposed to just get over this whole situation and allow my son to be in his life when I'm afraid he's going to do my son the same way he did me?

If he is attempting to be a father allow him that.  I know it's hard but again it's not about you or him, but about your son.  At times you may have to put your emotions about your relationship with him aside.  However, if you see that he is not doing right by your son then as mommy you will have to step up.   

How do I deal with the fact that my son is second best to the rest of his children?

Your son isn't second best because you are not going to allow him to be second best.  If your ex doesn't step up then I trust that you will step up and give him all the love that he needs. 


Allow God to be your source for everything.  Again I know it's hard and painful especially because the situation is so fresh, but you can get through it.  Right now you have to keep your head on for your son.  While this was a painful experience, it was also a learning experience.  The Forum Administrator once told me in a post "you teach people how to treat you."  So don't let him bring you down any longer.  Look at it with the attitude that he is the father of your child and it stops there.

I know it is easier said than done but when it gets too hard or when you get the feeling of anger talk it out with God and believe me he will really help you through because he has something better for you.  That's how I got through...knowing that God would give me double for my trouble. 

I really hope this helps and I will keep you in prayer!!!

HisPurpose

[Gracious]

Hello tryin2findawayout3 & WELCOME!!!

At first, when I read your post, I couldn't get through it ... not all of it anyway. Why? Because in my life, I've known soooooooo many women who've been broken (for a time) by the devil working through grown men.

Rather than getting "hateful" towards the "trap" that you'd walked into ... I began to "channel" ... Yes my sister, I'd started to do what I do when I sing ... I started taking ALL of that FIERCE energy summoned by my sincere empathy for you (your situation) and started listening to the Holy Spirit (yet again)!!!

Like "His Purpose", I've segmented your post ...so that "prayerfully" you'll see what some of us may see.

Here's how I'm led, and I pray that something from this post adds a blessing to your spirit-man.

OKAY YA'LL it's long  ... BUT ... Sister "Tryin'" is for you & and all who can identify ...Amen?

Read on ...and be BLESSED!!!

Key Points:

1.   I've seen & experienced that as adults, we begin our maturation process by acting out of our pain source, when dealing with the opposite sex. [/color]

...Although I was 19 years old in age, I had already undergone countless meaningless relationships with men that only left me Broken in spirit.

Sister, if ever there was a lesson for you to learn ... "IT" should be, that NEVER as long as you live on this earth, do you EVER want to go through such a devastation again!!! Amen?

2.   Masochistic (pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others) tendencies are sure to follow...

I could tell that "Mike" was different from all the rest though. I didn't know why right then and there, But I soon found out. In the beginning, I thought it was because of the difference in our age; he was 29 and again I was 19.

I'm sure that you'd agree that "we" choose as we do regarding the WRONG methods, because "we" as girl children, have not been taught in a healthy manner. Now notice, I didn't use the word "trained", I said "taught" ... Amen? To be taught ... SHOULD be spiritual and should only be used (in my opinion) in conjunction with Godly wisdom/Godly Love. "being trained -in/on/or about" a thing, can come from anyone - possessing "ANY" kind of spirit. YES "truth" may come from what it is that we've ALL been trained to do or not to do (e.g. ...train up a child...) ... BUT ... most times, proper LIFE-APPLICATION is usually missing!!!

(Again, this is just from my humble opinion)

3.   [/color]

He was MARRIED to mother of his children.

Sister, the manner in which you carefully phrased that statement, says to me that you revere marriage yet despise the instrument (...THAT man)  Huh ... can't say I don't agree with you on that one!!!  NEXT!!!

4.   DENIAL (Enter self-torment)

...I didn't know how to handle the situation because I wasn't ready to accept nor believe the fact that he had lied to me about wanting me to be his wife; about wanting to have a family with me; and us being together forever.

My friend, I believe you ...Now here's what I see. I see a woman (you) who hasn't had it easy coming-up, and I see that same woman (you again) as ANGRY. And my heart grieves for you Sweetie, because you have EVERY REASON that you can think of ... to be ANGRY!!!  I would LISTEN to the RAGE welling inside of you this way:

YES! I have been mistreated ... YES! This was WRONG ... YES! My strength has been STOLEN from me ... YES! I'm confused ... YES! I need YOU NOW LORD ... YES! I do NOT deserve YOUR GRACE ... YES! I believe that YOU LOVE me JESUS ... YES! I can listen to YOU ... YES! I'm still broken ... YES! I thirst for more than what moments of earthly pleasure can produce!!!

NO! I do NOT desire my past legacy to be passed to my "seed"... NO! I shall not live my life as a CONDEMNED soul ... NO! NEVER AGAIN ... NEVER-EVER AGAIN - NOT IN THIS LIFE!!!

DENIAL (Enter "more"self-torment) ... Though satan is horrified by the "TRUTH" (what GOD says that you are) ... THIS "defeated-foe" HAS SEEN & HEARD IT ALL BEFORE ... so persistance is "now" his weapon for you!  ONLY our FATHER in Heaven can supply you with the weapons needed to thwart off negative thoughts that may subtly try to come BACK to torment your spirit

...I just couldn't accept the fact that he lied to me after I had put so much into the relationship that I wanted so badly to work out.

QUESTION?

What did you ACTUALLY put into this "so-called" relationship ... Huh? What was it that was sooo irreplaceable that you could have LOST It ALL ...  in a LIE ... Huh?

ANSWER!

NOT ONE SINGLE SOLITARY THING!!!

Was this "Mike" person, the first man that you had "s-e-x" with?  Hmmm???  I'm led that he was not!   Why ... Because of the 3rd sentence of your opening.  These days, when a person speaks of their previous relationships ... they're usually referring to S-E-X, S-E-X AND MORE S-E-X!!! GOOD S-E-X,  BAD S-E-X,  AND I'm soooo confused S-E-X!!!  Amen lights?     

My Point ... There was NO THING in your post, that has an eternal d**nation sticker attached it ... as long as YOU have "earnestly" repented for it in your heart, confessed it to the SON (Jesus), that HE may intercede for you with Abba' Father in Heaven...AND purpose NEVER to willfully walk down that "dusty-sin- road" again!!!

5.   Your ACTION!!! 

I ended up speaking to his wife and in doing so...

You confessed to her "his" wife, of you wrong doings ... what about "your" Lord & Savior ... remember, NOWHERE in your post did you mention any kind of confession to HIM.  His wife doesn't have a heaven nor hell to put you in ... Amen?   SOUL cleansing/purifying needs to be your aim ... both for yourself ...AND ... the "blessing" of a baby YOU must raise ... AND ... if you think that you can raise a child without help from above ... Sweetie, you are fooling no one but yourself!!!

6.   HER ACTION!!!

You wrote:

...she informed me that it wasn't the first time that he had cheated on her, but it was the last.

Sister, this woman ("his" wife) was TELLING you(TO YOUR FACE),  that SHE was ready to do something that you appear now to be ready to do. She was telling you that enough is enough (she was just about SICK-a-YOU ...AND "him)" - it was life or death & "she" chose life!!! "She" was then ready to reclaim "her" power (from the camp of the enemy)!!! AND SHE DID IT!!!   Girl, this woman played both YOU & him "her" husband ... like a fiddle! Unintentional perhaps on her part. Yet REALITY can't help but see what a misguided man "she" would soon let back into her life!

7.   LIE FROM THE PIT

... She told me that they were going to get a divorce.

In which life???  Now, I'm not saying that she didn't get furious & say those very words ...BUT... what was the end result??? A reuniting perhaps ... of the two of them???

8.   DENIAL!!!

... I just couldn't accept the fact that he lied to me after I had put so much into the relationship that I wanted so badly to work out.

What??? Huh??? Please re-read "Key Points" #4

9.   HUGE 2nd MISTAKE (Enemy's Trap) 

...After a few days went by, he and I sat down and had what I thought was a heart to heart conversation.

10.    Entering the ENEMY's LARE...

At that point I wasn't 100% sure whether or not I wanted to continue my relationship with him, but as time went on, I forgave him and "forgot" about the situation and we continued to date.

b]11.     DENIAL - Pressing the "downward spiral button"  [/b]

[

i]... It seemed as though after I found out he was married that our relationship got stronger than it was before, there was nothing that we couldn't talk about  and I began to in a sense depend on him for my security.[/i]

[b]12.     "Elevator Spiraling downward - out of control" ... Mercy Seat Alert!!! [/b]

After about 7 months of dating, I found out that I was pregnant

13.     Your introduction to The devil in "full effect"

... He seemed to be happy and things continued as normal until the holdiays came around.  I noticed he was acting different, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I guess because of the fact that I was so in love with him and engulfed by the dream of being his wife like he told me a thousand times.

14.   Enter our LORD & Savior Jesus the Christ

... I feel like I should have known better.

FINALLY ... A BLESSED BEGINNING ... 

How do I get over the situation?

[b]15.     Enter "The Comforter"  [/b]

... How do I get on with my life without the one person that was once my everything?

Do you remember Tyler Perry's movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" where Cicely Tyson says to her daughter when she spoke those exact  words... She (Cecily) said: "GOD ...is your everything"!!! And HE is ...What did  the "man of your dreams" do for you??? Break your heart, lie to you & leave you ...WITH ...a baby that you will have to reconcile raising without him (that's a small "h" for a small man - in character, that is... LOL)

16.   TRUTH vs. Fiction

...  How do I deal with the fact that my son is second best to the rest of his children? I just don't know how to move on?. Please help!

Your son is here on this earth for you to gain focus & NEVER lose it AGAIN!!!   YOUR son, is evidence of the "grace" that is before you & the "favor & MERCY"  that  will follow you!!!  YOUR son, is now the key that will ever remind you to stay on bended knee AT THE MERCY SEAT!!!

SECOND!!! HUH??? My Bible tells me, that JESUS was "divinely" conceived from a  woman without yet a "husband"!!!

Was HE "second" in line to usher  all (that would receive him) into SALVATION???   

My bible tells me that HE (JESUS) was GOD's ONLY BEGOTTEN SON!!!  NOT SECOND ... BUT ONLY!!!  My Bible also tells me of the blessings of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob ... AND ... David!!!  These men were sinners personified ... not just born into it!!!  Your precious son is just that ... PRECIOUS. And GOD is holding YOU (gifting YOU) with the responsibility of "TEACHING" him of the "straight-way" ... not just TRAINING him!

This is why, my dear Sister, GOD has lead you to us, and we welcome you ... with open arms!!!


Gracious

[christianthought]

I am sorry that you were hurt by this situation.  I really wish you didn't have to go through this, but God knows (and we don't!).

You were deceived by this guy, and I am sorry for that.  Until you found out, and continued talking with him; then you began deceiving yourself.  I am sorry for that too.

But God is great at redeeming both the time AND us.  I agree with all that has been said.  Focus on God, yourself, and raising your child.  When the time comes for someone else to be introduced to you, let God do it.  As you focus on being a whole, complete woman, God will definitely clothe you in grace and mercy, and all of those womanly traits that attract men to women.  But make sure you are ready, and don't rush!