Steps to Loving and Being Loved

[Deep Waters Support Team]

7 Steps to Loving and Being Loved
From the book "Unbreakable Bonds" by Drs. Paul Meier and Cheryl Meier

1. Guard your heart by giving it love. No one is saying you need to throw down all your defenses and let anyone you see come barging right in. The Book of Proverbs (where we seek out wisdom) tells us it is important to guard our hearts:  "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23 NIV). Many of us think we are guarding our heart when we live subconsciously, according to our fear, holding on to the hope that our parents or someone else will show up and care for us. If we are depending on everyone else to guard our heart, then we feel insecure because we do not know when or if they will show up. When we actively choose to guard our heart from unsafe people and from destructive patterns within ourselves, our heart feels safe, and love is free to fill its rooms. We can choose to give ourselves freedom and take care of ourselves. To truly guard our heart is to guard our mind, emotions, and will.

2. Be honest with yourself and others in all that you say. This is how we become confident that we can be counted on and that we are reliable and consistent.

3. Focus on the goal you see and on what you determine is most important for you. By focusing your eyes straight ahead and determining your direction, you will be less distracted or tempted to leave your new course for old destructive habits.

4. Be proactive. Do what it takes to create a level path before you. Think about your actions and their consequences. Embrace love and initiate ways to invite love into your thoughts and actions. Keep your feet from paths that distort the good, that promise immediate pleasure but end up stealing from your health, soul, and happiness.

5. As before, invite wisdom to join you in guarding your heart.
My son, give attention to my words;
Incline your ear to my sayings.
Do not let them depart from your eyes;
Keep them in the midst of your heart;
For they are life to those who find them,
And health to all their flesh.
Proverbs 4:20-22

We can have all the passion, emotion, and desires in the world, yet if we do not have wisdom to guide our feelings, we become a jumble of piano keys, high notes and low notes, all playing with no pattern, no melody, no rhythm, and no harmony with the other notes within us or with the notes of the others who surround us. Without wisdom, and without the mind, we do not create our own unique song.

6. Get understanding. Understand what has led you to this place. Understand why you stay here, what you get from remaining stuck where you are, unwilling to let go. Understand what triggers you are most susceptible to that lead you back to this same place: What is your state of mind?

Do you seek out what is true? Do you learn to make available to yourself more choices than your parents gave you? What is your emotional state? To whom are you connected? Are you anxious, worried, depressed, and angry?

What is your physical state? Are you well rested, exercising, eating well?

Have you been working too hard, not taking breaks, vacations, or recovery time? What is your spiritual state? Do you take time for daily prayer and meditation? Do you feel distant and dry spiritually?

7. Invite courage. This step is one of the most important. The secret to letting go is actually doing it! You show what you want by what you do. What we all need in order to be able and willing to say good-bye to the blockades to intimacy is courage. This doesn't mean we just wait for courage to show up. When we look up the word courage, we find: "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty; implies firmness of mind and will in the face of danger or extreme difficulty." To be courageous does not mean we are without fear. Courage is found in facing our fears and persevering until we reach our goal.

[MrD]

how can I learn to be a giver and not a taker in my marriage. my wife has given and given to me but I never do anything to give her the love, that she deserves. And I wnat to learn, we have been married for 27 years and my wife is fed up. And I can't really blame her. I have a lot of issues, but i will not go into them right now! But I do wish you all would pray for us and me especially, that our marriage would turn a round and that i would learn to show her love.

[christianthought]

Mr. D:
I will definitely pray for you, and I am sure people here will do so as well, if I may speak for them. 

As far as giving love instead of always taking love, I suppose that we (i.e. you) would have to know what constitutes love for your wife.  If she likes gifts, and you are giving time, then you'll both be frustrated.  If she is affectionate, and you are giving gifts, then the same thing. 

I read a book once that talked about love languages.  As you can tell, I remember the main idea, but not the details (I think it was called 'The five love languages."  It is a Christian book, and was very helpful.  Perhaps you could check half.com to see if you could get it; it would really help.

Also, instead of feeling and acting defeated in this situation, look at it like a challenge.  You are commissioned to make your wife feel SO loved that she just can't take anymore.  Of course Christ, through Paul, already commissioned you to do this, but take a fresh look at it.  How will you accomplish this goal?  What is your strategy?  It'll take many hours of listening to your wife, paying attention to her, talking to her friends, and all other kinds of creative things to accomplish your goal, but you can do it.  What are you waiting for?

This is your mission.  We all have issues.  That doesn't really have anything to do with your mission.  Stop giving up and get in the game!!  Everyone around you is waiting for you, and I am sure that your wife is too.