Anyone else in this situation???

[SPIRIT]

I have been married for 10 years.  I have been a Christian for 7.  I have changed and have grown in the Lord.  I have been attending a Bible college and enjoy my studies. My husband is supportive of what I do, as long as it doesn't interfere with his life.  He does what he wants, when he wants to just because he is who he is and no one will tell him otherwise.  There is very little communication between us. The television is on from the moment he comes home until he falls asleep.  He has always had out of the house activities which make him pretty much an absentee husband.  When there is something I need for him to do at home he procrastinates until He feels like doing it.  When I approach him with something I'd like to talk about, his eyes glaze over or he can't take his eyes off the t.v. I feel like I did when I was living with my parents--no one was interested in what I did that day at school or anything because of the problems they had with their marriage.  They were too wrapped up in their own hurts.  I have brought my feelings up and he tells me I'm talking silly. 

I haven't a clue where things broke down.  It may have been when I realized that he always does what he wants.  There was a rejection and anger that built up within me--and then I received the Lord and I have since been able to "put up" with the way things are.  Of course, like now, it's bothering me again. I just don't know how to approach him on any subject anymore.  Part of me is just so afraid of rejection that I avoid any serious discussion with him.  I have withdrawn myself from him.  I keep thinking the problem is solely his and I'm sure that's not the case.  I would be arrogant to think it was. 

Recently I started having a close friendship with a friend (woman) from the college and it's so wonderful to be able to share together--mainly the love of Christ and spiritual issues, which I cannot do at home.  My husband is happy with our relationship--maybe because it's non-confrontational.  He is not abusive, he says he loves me several times a day, but we rarely spend any quality time TOGETHER.  Where do I start, besides on my knees, for him to understand where I'm coming from?  How do we tear down the destructive walls/strongholds and build up trust in each other?  He has been hurt/rejected in his life, as have I.  I think he likes the distance because if he gets too close it might be another rejection.  Talk about two mismatched baggage carriers!  I've worked some of my problems out, but only through the grace of God.  He has no God to turn to.

Oh, we are not spring chicks....we feel young, but we are in our 50's and I am older than he by six years.  Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Gracious]

Dearest Spirit:

Welcome, and I do look forward to and am in agreement towards your breaking-through ... during this season in your life!!!

Sometimes, the answer that the HOLY ONE delivers, doesn't always come and or isn't meant to be received at one time (or in a single posting)...Amen? Rather, the breaking-through serves as a "press" ... little by little ... until the seal ("stronghold") that the enemy of your soul has designed against you - is broken!!!

Please receive the following, and know that it is meant to portionally reveal the possible source of what has taken claim over your peace & joy & "devine contentment" - in your home.

(Jumping-in, and asking you to consider something .... )

STRESS!!!

As long as your not in it... you can see it (in someone else) ... but if your in it ... HUUUNEY ... it is "THE" invisible KILLA' !!! Amen?

First, "IT" kills your "get-up-n-go" (your drive) ... you end up feeling tooo helpless even to be a victim!!! Amen? 

Then "IT" starts attacking your body ... and don't think "IT" stops there...OH, NO ... "IT" is infectous / "IT" is as a fallen-spirit... in that "IT" (by design) will not stop until everything and everyone in "IT's" path is burnt completely out.

This demon affects ALL of us at one time or another ... no matter how holy and or "saved" we appear to be...

...There is only one antidote (that I know of) for this demon ... and it is JESUS (the ultimate STRESS bearer) via the HOLY GHOST, the HOLY SPIRIT, our Comforter/Stress-Reliever...

Isn't this what Jesus has to say about the violence of the "stress demon" ...[/color]

(Mt. 11:28-30)
"...Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ..."

(Mt. 11:12).
"... the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force...."


Selah,

[/color]


Spirit,

It is my sincere prayer that...Closer to sooner than later, "the violent" (the violated) ...YOU & YOUR HUSBAND ... "WILL" receive within your spirit(s), the desire to go to GOD (which I'm sure you have already) and ask HIM ( "the answer") to guide you / to place you in the path of sound councel - a physician / a Pastor etc., that will further explore your well-founded frustration(s).

Oh! somethin else too, who says 50 is ole' (huh, my mom is a little older than you n she ain't hardly ole' 

Hmmmm...    Chile', you go-head & be a cool-chick ... n- be blessed while your at it!!! Amen?


Gracious

[Joel and Kathy Davisson]

Hi Spirit,

Your situation is very common. Men often promise to love, cherish and honor their wife and somehow forget that promise after they say, "I do!"  You can continue to speak to him clearly, calmly, yet directly about your need to be heard. If he is engrossed in the TV, you can tell him at commercial that you would like to visit with him; is now a good time or would right after this show be better. Either way, if he says now, or after "this" show, then you turn the TV off and sit down and visit with him. 

If his eyes glaze over, you can simply address that: Am I boring you? You seem like you are not paying attention. I really would like you to focus in on me and what I am saying.

Some husbands simply need to be told plainly, clearly and directly what is expected of them.

Other husbands will respond to information from a book or a seminar. Many wives have had success giving "The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!" to their husbands to read. It gets their attention and teaches them how to focus in on their wives and children.

If your plain speaking does not work and if he decides not to read the book, you can try to find someone he will listen to who will be willing to talk to him.

In essence, you have to make this a "velvet touch" crisis. For his sake and yours, you cannot just let life go on as it is right now. It is not good for him or for you.

You can get a copy of the book at www.godsavemymarriage.com   If he will read, it will do the work for you.

God's best to you!

Joel and Kathy Davisson

[David Dupree]

Hi Spirit,

I am not in your situation.  But I have seen it enough that I thought I would share the bit that I can.

First of all you must recall that a sanctified wife santifies the house.  Although your husband is head of the house, you are charged with the spiritual cover until he gets into position.  In the meantime, you have to guard your witness.  Since he is not attending church right now, you are the sermon he sees/hears.  He may be watching the tv, but he is studying you.  How he perceives you will determine whether he is drawn or content to stay away. 

In the meantime, that doesn't help your relationship. You say that he is happy with your relationship.  Did he say that? 

I know you are not happy with it and desire more communication and time.  Start by involving yourself in one of his activities.  Find one of his shows that you can tolerate and commit to watching it with him.  (at least once or twice) Talk and discuss it with him.  How can you get him involved in the things that interest you if you are not interested in the things that interest him?

Beyond the practical, you must remember that this is a spiritual attack first.  Remember that as a child of God you can/should walk in ordered steps.  No good thing will God withhold from you if you walk upright before Him.  If you abide in Him and His Word in you, you can ask what you will and it shall be done unto you. 

I believe God knows the petition that you have before Him concerning your marriage.  Just don't get weary in doing well.  You will reap if you don't faint.  So exercise some patience.  In the meantime, God has sent you a friend to share some things with.  Thank God for looking out for you.  Let Him continue to orchestrate the plan.  You just concentrate on worshipping Him! "So forget about yourself, concentrate on Him and worship Him."

Think on those things that are of good report.  Stay committed to your relationship.  Trust God...He will direct your path.

I can't tell you the number of women I know who were (past tense) married to unsaved men and now the same men are saved, love the Lord and working on Kingdom building.  God is still Able. 

dd

[Forum Administrator]

Hi SPIRIT. Welcome! Please take a look at the recent post Are You Walking In Love? in the Release The Pearl section of the forum. Put this information to use right away. Be consistent and you and your husband will see a change.

There are two additional resources I would recommend. The first is "Experiencing A Fulfilled Marriage" (tape/cd) by Patricia Ashley, one of our forum moderators. Patricia knows first hand what it is like to be in a "dead" situation in marriage. She came through that and the above resource provides wonderful and practical insight and encouragement.

The second resource is "The Five Love Languages." This book teaches us how to give love in a way that is meaningful to the other person. The premise of the book is that we often show love the way we want to receive it, instead of how the other person needs to receive it. This is another tremendous resource. You will find information for this and Patricia Ashley's resources on the Deep Waters resources for marriage page.

You can "win" your husband by the way you reflect the love of God in your own life. Learn to walk in love. The first resource Are You Walking In Love? will be especially helpful and you can start putting it to use right away. Love--God's love in you--will not fail.

[SPIRIT]

Ohhhh, I had forgotten I posted this.  Thanks for all your comments. I have printed them off and will add them to my journal.  I will look into the book suggestions. 

I know it seems like an impossible task but I keep reminding myself that my God is greater than any of my situations.  I probably have a lot to learn myself in this.  There is a trust/rejection issue we both brought into this marriage. 

By the way, my husband, Jim, and I went to another church with the friend I mentioned and her husband.  There was no struggle for him to accept the invitation!  That alone was a surprise.  I know that was because of her prayers.  My friend's husband said he "peeked" when the call to accept Jesus was spoken.  Jim raised his hand! And I definitely felt a time of deep spiritual work going on during praise and worship.  For whatever reason, I couldn't stop weeping.  And I felt a drawing sensation toward him.  I cannot say anything to him because he has not told me what he did.  At first there was a very subtle change, but it has stopped.  Of course, he's not getting acquainted with Christian men or going to church so he's not being fed so he's not growing.  I was excited for awhile, but that has died in me as well.

We have golf in common; he's the one who decided I should learn how to play so we could have something in common. He enjoys going with the guys..every weekend and two nights a week. Those nights he comes home late and I get the tired husband who falls asleep on the couch the next night(s).  I have as nicely as I can asked if he would golf more with me.  He says yes, but never follows through.  He might be able to squeeze me in for nine holes after work, but often cancels it because he doesn't feel like going.  And to spend a Sunday afternoon together is out of the question.  The guys come first. 

Then I begin to think it's all me.  I'm the problem.  When you feel like you are being rejected, how else can you feel?

I have talked to a friend who is one of the instructors and president of the Bible college I attend.  She has a counseling (Christian) degree, so it's a plus.  And my friend occasionally goes through struggles with her husband.  She has just decided to stop fretting and get on with her own life.  He has begun to notice and now wants more of her time. 

I should mention a bit of a plus incident which he is either aware of or not!  One day in church, when Jim happened to come with me, we had a powerful worship session, one which he had never experienced!  I actually saw the Lord walk down the aisle where we were seated, stop next to him (he was on the aisle), reach out his hand and placed it on his forehead, then on his shoulder as he walked out of the sanctuary.  I can't help but feel as though despite outward appearance, Jim is in the Lord's hand.   I also know that Jim can be brought to that place where he must submit to the almighty God.  I praise the Lord for that power and I know that only God will get glory for the changes that will take place!  It ain't gonna happen through me...

I will order a couple of the books suggested.  Thanks for all your comments and suggestions.  I will flag my journal so I can reread this.  And I will bookmark this website this time! 

God bless you all.  I hang on to this scripture:  Philippians 1:6 - Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ...

Spirit