Jealous Wife

[Shelle72]

I am friends with this many whose wife is crazy.   He and I met through his sister.   We developed a friendship.  I am married, separated and facing a divorce.   He and I never see each other.  We only talk on the phone.  We have never had sex.   The wife doesn't want us to be friends.  I have spokenn to her several time reassuring her that we are just friends.  She doesn't believe me.  Or as she keeps says thinks we are having an "emotional" affair -- whatever that is.   

My friend tell me they are having problems anyway.  The problems were there before we met.  She insist that our friendship is interferring in her marriage.  She has asked me to stop calling her husband, but he says it isn't a problem. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with our friendship and I'm not the problem in there marriage.  She is just insecure and jealous.

[try1God]

Honestly, you are in the wrong. For one, look at this from the other foot. What if it was you? And to let you know you do not need to have sex to commit adultery. If he is disusing things with you that he should be talking to his wife about, that is an act of adultery. So Sis you should let this relationship GO. Before it gets way over your head....

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

Greetings My Sister!

WHEW! There is a lot in our post!

Everything I share, I'm giving in love. First, keep in mind you only know one side of the story. HIS. Even with the version given by his sister, she only knows HIS side of the story. There are three sides to every story like this, HIS, HERS, and GOD's. Both his version and her version will be somewhat jaded by their perception of the situation which is driven by emotion.

You say that his wife is crazy....but I ask you by whose standards? You said that you are separated...put yourself in her shoes. If you were having marital issues with your husband, and there was this new person who is taking his attention away, you would be trying to protect what's yours as well. The time he spends on the phone with you he COULD be in the Word, communicating with God AND HIS WIFE as to how they can resolve issues in their marriage. An emotional affair is where one spouse shares themselves emotionally with someone OTHER THAN THEIR OWN SPOUSE. You say that you two never see each other and it's nothing more than friends...don't deceive yourself. Just as two single people become emotionally attached and it then manifests physically--the same can happen between the two of you. You also said that you don't see anything wrong with your friendship. Holograms generally have two images. The second is not revealed until you move your position.  Again, put yourself in HER shoes.

You said that she asked you to stop calling, but he said it's not a problem...you are feeding his flesh...of course he doesn't want you to stop. Whether you want to see it or not, you are interferring and as a woman who has been married, not only should you understand...but you should stand down.

I don't believe that she is either insecure or jealous. If she doesn't fight for her marriage who will? A lionness WILL protect her family to the death.

Ask God and ALLOW Him to show you HIS WILL in this situation and follow it accordingly.

[David Dupree]

Matthew 5:23Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;

24Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

25Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.

My sister Shelle72,

These scriptures remind us that it isn't always about you.    You know your friend's wife has an issue with you.  The scripture says get up and go reconcile. 

In this case your method of reconciliation is to back away from your friend and give his wife the space she desires.  Yes, it very well may be that her insecurity is the problem.  But she is not going to get more secure with you having a"suspect" relationship with her husband. 

Otherwise, if you persist in the relationship with your friend, be sure to integrate his wife.  As they are now one, then she MUST also be your friend by default.  Or build a relationship with her separately.  Do you ever just call her to chit chat?  What about inviting her to shop with you?  How about to a night of a hot revival?  The next women's retreat/advance? 

If you aren't building the relationship between them, then you are tearing it down.  It isn't a scripture but this saying rings true: If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

postscript...Also in that chapter of Matthew around verse 16 or 17 it says "Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify the Father in heaven."

That "before men" portion includes women.  Your light is most important and his wife is not seeing your light in your relationship with him.

dd

[Forum Administrator]

Hello Shelle72. Welcome to Deep Waters. I'm a strong advocate for jealousy.  But before anyone's eyebrows raise, please allow me to explain what I mean. In my understanding, there are two kinds of jealousy, one is absolutely acceptable and even required; the other is totally unacceptable.

There is a jealousy that desires to have what someone else has (that they don't have a right to) and even resents/hates the one that  has it. That is envious jealousy (i.e. jealous of). Then there is a jealousy that guards what rightfully belongs to someone. That is protective jealousy (i.e. jealous over). I'm all for being jealous over the things that God has given to us (including our marriages, our children, our relationship with God and others, our giftings/anointing). I see it as a kind of stewardship that does not allow anything or anyone to come in and disrupt or destroy that which God has entrusted to you. This is our responsibility. We don't only protect what God has entrusted to us, but as we are given opportunity, we also protect/guard that which God has entrusted to others. If your friend's wife is indeed being jealous, she does have a right to be jealous over (i.e. jealousy guard and protect) her marriage... and so do you.

Insecurity is not the first thing that jumps out at me as an issue as I read through your post: respect is. It's never okay for a husband/wife say that something is not a problem that he/she knows is a problem for his/her spouse. Wouldn't you agree? That is both disrespectful and dishonoring, both of which are big no-nos and self-destructive for anyone who is married. His desire to hold on to his friendship with you in light of his wife's issues with it is not a compliment to you; it is an insult to her. Don't allow yourself to be used as the sword in his hand that pierces his wife's heart.

Something else that stands out to me is your declaration that you've never had sex with this man. While I understand that you may be maintaining what you see as the innocence in this friendship, the very fact that this was a thought that not only entered your mind but that you articulated suggests the possibility that this thought may have entered your mind before. The idea/thought of sex when discussing a friendship should not even be a consideration or something that should enter either of your minds as a possibility (even if situations were different) because you are both (or even at least one of you is) married.

One other thing that stands out to me is the sheer selfishness of what is taking place The husband is being selfish, not considering his wife's needs/feelings (another big no-no), and you are being selfish in maintaining this relationship when you know that it is an issue for his wife and in their marriage. You may not be the cause of the problems they are having, but you are adding to the problems they were already having.

I would encourage you to treat this woman as a wife the way you would want to be treated as a wife. Treat this marriage the way you would want yours to be treated, especially in light of the problems they may already be having. There is another principle also at work here and that is what you sow into the lives of others--good or bad--you will inevitably reap in your own.

[Shelle72]

He says that I am not the problem.  He doesn't want me to stop calling him.  I have asked him if it is causing problems.  He says no. I only mentioned that we don't have sex, because his wife asked me if I were having an affair with her husband. 

If I get divorced, I want God to send me another husband right away.  He isn't even separated.  Even if he got separated now.  He wouldn't be able to get divorced for at least a year.  He knows that I would not want wait around on him because I want to have children.   

[lyfe]

I've been checking into this site for a while but registered today after reading the message above.

And you said who was crazy?

Sorry sis but this is rediculous! Stop being naive and cut this game before it gets out of hand?

Sounds like to me if this man weren't married you would consider a relationship with him (which then makes your current interactions/PHONE relationship with him inappropriate). I could be wrong but that's just what it sounds like.

I would think God doesnt approve of your relationship with this (MARRIED) man. Some of the problems (cheating, lying, arrogance) we have with men come from other women who wont put their foot down and say NO!!! Do we not realize we hold so much power and if we would just say no things could be a lot different not only for ourselves but for other woman... that yes we should have a concern for because we could be in their positon of being hurt? But because we're so worried about SELF we fail to realize by involving ourselves in a relationship such as yourself or any other inappropriate relationship with a man we train them to think its ok to treat women like whatever? (Not all men but some)

You should step up and stop it with this man so the he will think twice the next time he comes across another woman who he thinks he can plan games with. If you dont step up for yourself, step up for the sister (wife) who's married to this man.

Whatever happen to "I am my sisters keeper?" Who ever said you had to know the sister to be her keeper. Respect goes a long way. And whether you realize it or not your interactions with this man while he's married says alot about yourself!

My thoughts and I'm out!
Lyfe
(pro'nouced Life)

[QueenNisha]

Shelle72,

I have read and tried to understand what you have written.  None of it makes sense to me.  What I gather is, if this man were to leave his wife today, you would take him into your life tomorrow.  You wrote, "He wouldn't be able to get divorced for at least a year.  He knows that I would not want wait around on him because I want to have children."  If you both could get divorced next month would you start a "sexual" relationship then?  Have you discussed the "what if's" about if the two of you would have met sooner?  It seems to me that you are feeding off of the problems that he and his wife are having.  Why would you not respect his wife's wishes and just stop calling him?  If you and your husband were not going through a divorce, would you allow him to have a "relationship" with a female that you didn't know?  Think about things from the wife's perspective.  You need to RESPECT their relationship.  Just because the husband says it's not an issue, it doesn't make it okay.

Another thing to think about is your safety.  What if the wife really is "crazy"?  I don't think she is, but what if she was?  What if she came after you and harmed you?  What if she harmed her husband out of jealousy?  What if she isn't saved?  Bottom line:  LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE!!!

[jbritte2]

Hello Shelle72,

I want to extend some love and compassion your way that I know to be in your place you must be experiencing a great deal of pain in your heart (separation from husband - divorce on the way).  I know when we women experience rejection or painful situations in our relationships we may tend to cling to the next thing. I must echo my sisters in Christ in the above posts that they are right. Whatever you are seeking right now can only be found in Christ and fellowship of close friends who can listen to your heart in a safe setting to work through things.  Chasing after someone elses husband is not the answer and will eventually backfire on you. YOur current interaction with this married man is a selfish situation and not a trustworthy one either. If he will talk to you while married then he can talk to some other woman while married to you..............

Again, I plead with you as a sister in Christ to seek Godley counsel or somewhere safe to explore the pain in your heart. You are God's child and He loves you and has a time of healing for you before you move into another relationship. I would seek to heal from this current one and not reach for a man to heal your pain....

[footrprints]

Dearest Shell72,

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. - 1 John 4:19-20

I dont hear any consideration for the husband's wife in your comments Shell72, neither do I hear any love from you towards her , you call her crazy and insecure,  who wouldnt be?  A FEMALE taking your man away for some chitchat regularly and rudely shuting you out, is a FOE; Because there is direct competiton for his attention and interest. You are playing a dangerous game, by being a demonic accomplice alongside the vindictive husband, who is un/intentionally hurting his wife and marriage.
If you really care about "your friend" her husband, then you would care about all that pertains to him including his wife. So step away and let them resolve their own problems, three is a crowd!  I would like to echo respect as raised by other members, marriage is very sacred in God's eyes, it is not a play thing.

15 "The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."
16 He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."
17 "I have no husband," she replied.  Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true." John 4: 15 - 18

Shell72 it sounds like you are trying to pick up the pieces from your own problems at present, as you have expressed the need for children, but I can assure you God loves you, and if you diligently pray and seek Him regarding your need for your own family, He will bring it to pass and it wont be at another woman's expense.

2 Samuel 19: 28 "...but you gave your servant a place among those who eat at your table...."