Disclosure

[cjeani]

It's hard being single, it's hard being a single parent, and it's even harder living with HIV.  I've been living with this situation now long enough to know that my life is not over.  I have even given birth to a healthy son since testing positive. 

Now that I'm single again, and have stopped looking and trying to find a man, some one has walked in to my life.  I am really struggeling trying not to lead him on, or let things get too far along before I tell him.  But when is the right time???

I would like to hear from the men.  Of course, I'm afraid of rejection etc. etc.  However, I know that honesty is always the best way to handle things, and I want to do things the right way.  How do you guys feel about dating or entering into a relationship with a person that is positive if you are not?

[David Dupree]

Hi Cjeani,

And welcome to Deepwaters!

I hate to say that I can't recall a scripture that would be appropriate in this situation.  But I will say this:  you should share the information when you feel close enough to him to allow him into that part of your life. 

In other words, if you are sure that things seem about to and indeed have progressed past the "friend" stage for him, then yes, it may be time.   

You also have to be careful and discerning cause you never know what knight in shining armor may turn out to be a jerk. :-) He doesn't need the info if he is going to blab it all over the place.

So first and foremost guard your heart with all diligence.  Well that may be an appropriate scripture. :-)  If he has a problem and feels like you waited too long to give him the info, don't fret.  He will get over it.  And whether he stays or go...it will be a good decision for you.

dd

[cjeani]

Thank you for your response. 

[Michael Lindsey]

Cjeani:
I respect the struggle you are currently facing.  Relationships, to begin with, can be a challenge.  Quite frankly, I see 3 issues here:

1)     Yes, you should tell the man you are dating of your HIV status - absolutely you should tell him.  To conceal it from him is a form of deception, which is never good in any relationship.  Imagine if you carried the relationship on, and at some point, through whatever means, he finds out that you are HIV positive? Obviously, that would not be a good thing.  Besides, if the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you want to know? 

You have the opportunity to be honest, and that's always the best policy in relationship.  Once you bring dishonesty or deception into a relationship, it becomes a vicious cycle that could never end.  What you do have an opportunity to do is put your status out there and educate the man you are dating regarding the latest science that indicates people can live a long time with HIV.  You might also want to share with him what science tells us about how one might contract HIV.  Use it as an opportunity to educate, which brings me to my next point.

2)     The Bibles tells us that all things work together for our GOOD... Things working together for our good, I contend, is the process by which God prepares us for ministry.  I believe that everything that happens in our lives can be used by God as ministry for kingdom building.  When we make the kingdom of God our primary concern we realize that all things work together for our good.  I am not suggesting that God wanted you to become HIV+ for a ministry of some sort.  What I am suggesting, though, is that you have a wonderful opportunity to use your testimony as ministry to help other woman to deal with being positive.  As a mental health professional, I have worked with so many women who are positive and are very depressed.  They think that it's the end of the world.  Your testimony of how you have overcome can be an example for other women.  And so I suggest, that you continue to think about your life and example as ministry for other women who are struggling.  Thus, as you concern yourself with ministry, the answer to your original question becomes easy.  What would God have you to do in the way of informing someone in whom you are interested regarding your HIV status?

3)     Notice how this man came along when you were not looking for him. Presumably, you were focused on other things, for example your health, your child, God, etc.  I think so many people make mistakes in relationship because they go looking for something, often identifying the wrong person because they have not taken the time to find out who they are and what they really should be looking for.  Your testimony, again, can be very helpful to other women who are out there looking for someone and often identify the wrong person.  I hope that you share this testimony with other women.

I hope what I have said was helpful.  Pray about it, and ask God to lead and guide you through your decision-making process.  Remember, hurting people hurt others so it's important to address the hurt in our lives so that we lessen the potential to hurt other people in theirs. 



Peace be unto you!

[Derek Triplett]

I think the man must be given the opportunity to determine his capacity to relate now and pursue the relationship further.  There of course is the possibility of rejection.  Disclosure should take place at the point the relationship becomes more than just a series of friendly encounters.  Disclosure should be done in meaningful situations as this one seems to be.