What do I do???

[Butterfly]

I have been involved with a man of God for nearly 5 years now.  Mind you this man has been and ordained minister for nearly 20 yrs but is also a former NBA basketball player and his on the verge of releasing a new CD.   All of this information is necessary to show how many different circles he is known in.  This man is compassionate, a gentleman, loving and not to mention very, very handsome and for all of these women including his relationship with God, women are drawn to him.  However, even though this man has made mistakes in our relationship, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he loves me and I love him.  At the present time though, marriage is not something that he wants and it is definitely something that I want.  Which leads to this question. I love this man, but I don't love the things that he has but me through, but what should I be praying for.   We are not presently together (my decision), but we do know that we love each other and find it very hard not to be in each other's presence, we are one another's best friends and we both know and acknowledge this fact.  But again, he is not ready for marriage and I am; thus the conflict.  I do feel and know that too many women make themselves available to him for prayer or just to talk to and they wind up infatuated with him.  But him being the man needs to control this.  So my question is this, what do I pray for?   Do I pray that this man gets it together and that God speak to him concerning us?  Or do I pray that God remove this man so that "my husband" can find me?

[Forum Administrator]

Hello Butterfly. Welcome to Deep Waters and thanks for sharing. Based on how you have described this man ("a man of God; ordained minister for nearly 20 years; former NBA basketball player; releasing a new CD; compassionate; a gentleman; loving; very, very handsome; has a relationship with God; available for prayer or just to talk to") it sounds like he already has it together. If he is the man of God that you have described him to be and given to prayer as it sounds he is, it is likely that he has already prayed concerning his relationship with you and for whatever reason, he has indicated or expressed an unreadiness to move towards marriage. That is not a conflict: that is an answer.

A friend of mine when courting his now wife started to see things about her that really bothered him. He said that after seeing these things he had to ask himself if he was willing to put up with these things if she never changed. You have mentioned "all of these women," and again "too many women make themselves available to him for prayer or just to talk to and they wind up infatuated with him." Whether this is within his control or not, it sounds like this is something you are not willing to live with. So in that regard, perhaps your decision to not be in relationship with him is for the best.

God has promised that He will not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11). Keep in mind that it is God who determines and knows what is good and not you or any one else. We run into problems when we decide what is good because our perspective is limited. That is why he tells us that we look at outward appearances but He sees the heart. That is why He tells us not to try to figure things out based on our limited understanding but to acknowledge and trust Him for everything so that He can lead you straight to your destination without all of the twists and turns of bad decisions. Your responsibility is to walk uprightly (i.e. continue to/do the things that are right in God's eyes). If you are walking uprightly and you don't have something/someone you want, you should come to the conclusion that God does not see it/him as good for you.

What should you do? Release yourself from the burden of this man's past mistakes in your relationship and forgive him: not because he deserves it, requests it, or even desires it, but because God does. You will never be able to embrace the "good thing" that God has in store for you if you are still holding onto the past. Let go of the possibility of what was and open yourself up to the probability of what will be as you trust God to be the giver of every good and perfect gift.

What should you pray for? Well, when Jesus was struggling with what he wanted to happen and the reality of what was happening, He said, "not my will but Your will be done." The key to getting the desires of your heart is to desire what God wants to give you. Talk to God about what you want and be specific about it. That's what He wants you to do (Philippians 4:6). And as you pray, also pray that your desire to please God will become greater than every other desire that you have because it is in the answer to that prayer that you will find your greatest joy, fulfillment and the end to your inner conflict.

[Butterfly]

Thank you so much for your advice.  The last two years have been a web of confusion for me.  When we have broken up, I have always prayed for God to send him back to me.  And while he did do that, I am starting to realize that maybe it hasn't worked out in the way that I desire(marriage) because this is not God's will for my life.  But I love him so much that I have a great fear of losing him forever.  I am praying daily that I have the strength to completely trust God with this entire situation and realize as you say; desiring what God wants for me will lead to the "greatest joy, fulfillment and the end to your inner conflict."

[David Dupree]

Hi Butterfly,

You should end your "web" of confusion right now. God is not the author of confusion.  And if your "times are in His hands" then you have to believe that you walk in ordered steps cause you trust Him with all your heart and are not leaning to you own understanding; therefore, He will direct your path.

You need God's best for you. That may not be what you perceive is the best.  Our ways are not His ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts.  Furthermore, the spirit of the prophet is subject to the prophet.  The simple explanation of that in this context is that your spirit is greater than your emotions.  Therefore, your spirit enabled with the power of God, can keep your emotions in check. 

"Ask the Saviour to help you, comfort strengthen and keep you, Jesus is willing to aid you; He will carry you through. "

dd

[Butterfly]

Since originally posting this, the man that I was speaking of has suffered a terrible tragedy...he lost everything in a fire.  Of course, after almost five years in a relationship and also a great friendship, I felt compelled to be there for him.   And of course, I have found myself drawn to him because it is hard to separate the friendship and the love.  However, that is the case for him as well as for myself.  I am praying to the good Lord for strength, but it is hard because we are once again speaking to each other on a daily basis, which of course I don't have to do, but I am led to do so out of friendship.  Any advice on keeping myself grounded in the Lord while being a "true" friend, but a true friend that is in love? 

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Butterfly. I am truly sorry to hear of your friend's loss. I would imagine that such an experience would take a great emotional and financial toll on your friend. I completely understand your desire to be there for him. Any true friend would want to assist another friend, particularly at such a time as this.

I want to share a gentle word of caution with you on two fronts. First, because you are still emotionally invested in your friend, be careful to "guard your heart" so that your assistance to him is with no expectation of anything in return. If you give/help with this mindset, you will gain satisfaction in the giving/helping alone and not have to face the possibility of any disappointment if he does not respond to you in a manner that you had hoped for/expected. When you give/help, do so with "simplicity" (i.e. without manipulation - Romans 12:8 ).

My second note of caution is try to remain mindful of his vulnerability and emotional/physical depletion as he goes through this situation. His tragedy is not your opportunity; it is his tragedy. Be careful not to color your interpretation of his responses to your consideration of his present circumstances as anything more or less than what they are.

The fact that you have posted this message indicates to me a level of inner conflict that I believe is there because you are still hoping for more from him than what you are receiving. If speaking with him daily is perpetuating these feelings then you may need to limit that level of contact. You have to be honest with yourself about what you can handle emotionally and otherwise.

A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity (Proverbs 17:17). The kind of love that you need to demonstrate at this time is not romantic love, but brotherly love. (Check out my response to the post What's your take on this? for more information about love and its distinctions.)

If you focus on demonstrating brotherly/agape love, this will help you keep grounded because agape love does what is in the best interest of the person to whom love is being demonstrated, and it does not expect anything in return.