It Had To Happen

[Shorty]

   IT HAD TO HAPPEN   


On November 28, 2004 - I left my husband.  It was not planned. My life was physically threatened by my husband which caused me to leave with our son.

I have been married for twenty one years.  One probably asks how can you be married for so long and leave your husband.  I never intended to leave my husband even though I was no longer in love with him nor did I love him - our marriage had been dead for years.  (We both felt this way)  My reasons for staying - I didn't want to disrupt my son's life.  I was trying to stick it out for him and also for myself.  I had thought several times about leaving.  But I had also thought about trying to make our marriage work and my sister would constantly tell me that when God confronts you - you must be able to say that you did everything you could to save your marriage.

For the past few years our marriage had been dissolving at a rapid pace.  Last year, 2004, was the year from HELL - that God carried me through.  We started the year off on the battlefield.  I had surgery on Wednesday, January 7, 2004.  That Monday we were fighting like cats and dogs.  It only got worse from there.  We were literally arguing - I mean severe arguments every week.  I am a very emotional person - therefore I'm going to work upset, eyes swollen and on the verge of tears on a regular basis.  We would have a few days of calm then back to the battlefield.  I dreaded going home when he was there. 

My husband was an alcoholic and very controlling - although he didn't think so.  He tried to control my comings and goings.  Initially, I went along with this and one day the light bulb came on and I was fed up.  That made things worse. For the most part he wanted me to be where he was - even in the house.  If he was in the bedroom, den or wherever then that's where he wanted me.   It was as though whenever I wasn't at work - he expected me to be home.  And that wasn't working for me because I like being involved with my son and his activities and church activities - within reason.  And I also have a life - things that interest me. I felt obligated to spend time with him and I hated it.  I couldn't stand to be around him when he was drinking and that was when ever he wasn't working.  His routine was to come in from work and immediately pour himself a drink.  On his days off he drank all day.  When he started drinking - I immediately got mad - therefore an argument was just around the corner.  I didn't want him to touch me and/or talk to me when he was drinking.  Because he drank practically everyday - the times when he wasn't drinking were not good - because of my mind set.  The thrill was gone - I didn't love him and pretty much didn't want to have anything to do with him.  I had talked to him about seeing a counselor but he said no.   One time he told me to go and come back and tell him what was said.

In August, we traveled to Massachusetts to our niece's graduation.  The weekend after we returned he started threatening to do physical harm to me.  I didn't pay it any attention.  He was always drunk when he made these threats and I had no fear of him.  To me they were just drunken threats.  A couple of days later when he was sober I would ask him if he remembered threatening me.  Of course he didn't.  He thought I was lying on him.  He'd say  why would I hurt you.  I'm not going to jail for you and no one else. To his credit, some time during this period he admitted that he needed help and asked me to find him an AA meeting and he also agreed to go to counseling.  By this time I was pretty much fed up with our situation and had an I don't care attitude.  I felt like if he was sincere it was something he had to do on his own.  But I did start looking but I didn't find anything in time.   One night he threaten to hurt everyone in the house.  Told me to call the police cause he was going to do this, that and the other.  I didn't call the police - still I passed it off as a drunken threat.  These threats went on just about every weekend until the ultimate threat on November 28, 2004.  My husband threaten my life with a gun.  I never saw the gun.  We had be arguing all day, he had been drinking all day and when I got in the bed he told me he had a gun.  Due to his drunken state of mind, I had no idea what his plans were and I got up, got my clothes, my son and left.

When I left I called the police and told them what happened.  They were going to send a car out but I told them I was not staying there.  I was told that on the next day, Monday, I could file a protection order.  At that time I had no intentions of filing a protection order.  Monday, my husband called me soooo many times on my cell and work phone making what I felt were  threatening statements which lead me to file a protection order.

When we both appeared in court the judge granted financial assistance for me and my son (Thank God) and she ordered him to Alcohol Services and us to Family Services.  Family Services instructed us to do counseling - it was mandated by the court.  However, I didn't like the counselors they recommended so I asked and found a very good counselor that my husband was willing to pay for.

Let me back up for a minute.  God always looks out for his children.  In October, 2004, I went to a retreat.  At that retreat I met the Forum Administrator.  I honestly believe she was sent by God.  He placed her in my life at exactly the right time.  She has been with me throughout this entire situation and I truly thank God for her.  She has been an ear and a shoulder for me.  She has given me words of wisdom, words of encouragement as well as she has been a great resource.  I started corresponding with her privately through Deep Waters right after the retreat.  So when I left my husband she was there for me.  When I needed a counselor she provided me with several references to choose from.  She has been and has provided a wonderful support group for me in addition to the wonderful sister-daughter-friend and sister I already had as support.

I left my husband on a Sunday, that Friday, December 3, 2004, I attend Girl Talk.  While delivering the Word - the message for the evening - Elder Vikki Johnson looked directly at me and said "It had to Happen" and I bursted into tears.  To me this meant that I had done the right thing - that I did what I had to do.

My husband and I started counseling on December 28, 2004.    First, the counselor established that we both wanted to save our marriage.  That first session was the session from Hell.  What made me so angry was his flip attitude.  He wanted to forget the past and just move on.  It was as though he was saying, yeah - I messed up, I realized I messed up.  I'm getting my act together - let's deal with it from here. I was pissed.  My prayer after that session was: "Lord, I am so mad with that man.  Help me to get through my anger.  At this point I can't even look at him.  I can't even talk to him."  What I learned later was that he had started his alcohol classes and they teach them to admit, accept and to move on.

During the first month we had counseling sessions every week.  We talked about what happened the night I left - which he did not remember.  I played a tape of the messages that he left on my answering machine at work - which he said were embarrassing.  He apologized for whatever he had done to hurt me - which I did not accept.  I felt that he only apologized because he was told to do so.  However, God worked with me on that and I was able to accept his apology - and he has apologized several times since then. 

We talked about what we needed and wanted in our marriage.  Our sessions were very deep, very honest - something that we did not have in our relationship.  We dealt with everything.  In the past I was always trying to make sure that he was pleased - and not doing or saying what I felt or wanted or needed - which was very, very wrong.  I was more or less trying to avoid conflict.   After four weeks of counseling and a lot of prayer we were able to talk civil with each other.  I prayed for God to take my anger away and he did.  Once God removed the anger from both of us - we were able to move on. 

We went from telephone dates - learning how to communicate with each other to having actual dates on Sundays.  Something we had tried to do before but failed.  We also read a book titled The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In addition to the alcohol being a problem, we were not speaking each other's love language - our love tanks were empty.  This book was and continues to be very helpful to us. My husband needs quality time with me and the dates provide this.  Although this isn't the only quality time we have but this is our special time.  Whereas for me - I felt smothered in the relationship - I need ME time.  We are listening to each other and adhering to each other's needs/wants.

While we are in counseling, my husband is taking alcohol classes on Saturday that were mandated by the court.  He didn't like this because he doesn't like being forced to do something.  But these classes have been very beneficial to him and he now appreciates them.  He learned that he was on his way to an early grave.  That there are three stages to alcoholism and he was in the latter stage of stage two.  He actually thanked me for saving his life.  Through these classes he was learning to admit, accept and move on.  Therefore he was rushing me and getting mad because I wasn't moving fast enough.  The counselor explained to him that I needed time to deal with my hurt and anger which could not be rushed.

If there had been no gun involved I would have never left my husband and we would have continued in the rut we were in. His threats did not scare me - they were drunken threats and I didn't think he would hurt me - until he mentioned the gun.  Because he was drunk I didn't know what he would do with the gun.  He later told me that he had the gun out to clean it and just wanted me to know that it was there.  That he never meant to do me any harm. 

During one of our sessions, he said that although he didn't want to be apart from his family this was a good thing.  He was actually glad that the gun was involved because otherwise our situation would have continued and he would soon be dead.  (Something good comes out of every bad situation - thank God).  He actually said "It had to Happen."  He also said that even though he wanted us to come back - he wanted it to be when I felt safe and comfortable.  (See how good God is)     

On March 4, 2005.  I went to Girl Talk.  The message for me was don't go back to Egypt.  Don't go back to that same old mess.  Well, it's a New Day.  Our relationship is reborn, it's fresh and we know that the best is yet to come.  We now have an understanding of who we are individually and as a couple.  We are communicating with each other.  We know that marriage takes work and we are willing to continue working on ours.  I moved back home on March 25, 2005.  What better day than Good Friday to reunite my family.       

Thank you Deep Waters for taking the time to read my post.  I just wanted to share with you the struggles my husband and I have been through and let you know - no matter what you are going through - God is with you. He will provide you with the strength you need to go and grow through your trials and tribulations.  Indeed God provided me with so much information and the right people to be a strong support group for me.  It was either the 3rd or 4th day after I left my husband that I woke with the 23rd psalm alive in my spirit.  Indeed THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD AND I DID NOT WANT.  He took care of me and my son.  He provided everything we needed.  Although hell was breaking loose in my life and I had my moments - there was a calmness within me - he restored my soul.

STAY FAITHFUL AND PRAY.    PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS - DON'T GIVE UP

My husband is now a recovering alcoholic - he has been alcohol free since December 6, 2004.  We are still in counseling and he his still in alcohol classes.  Life is good and the best is yet to come.



Much Love,


Shorty


PS  JOY DOES COME IN THE MORNING     

[deelee]

Shorty, thank you for your post. I am reminded of the poem "footprints". GOD always provides even when we don't know it. "Our GOD is an awesome GOD". I pray that GOD continues to bless you and your family.
Stay Blessed Deelee

[Shorty]

Indeed he is AWESOME -

Thank you

[Gracious]

Hello Shorty:


Truly our GOD is NOT a MAN, that HE should lie...

HIS promises are YES & AMEN!!!

YES...HE shall provide for ALL OF "OUR" NEEDS...according to HIS riches...

...& AMEN...towards the book of Romans 8 :(KJV)

24For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?

   25But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

   26Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

   27And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

   28And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. 

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You have our hearts and are in our prayers,


Gracious[/color]