I Haven't given up, but will I ever believe in him.

[ANewDay]

It's been almost a month since I wrote, and I haven't given up yet.  These last couple of weeks have been hard for me.  My husband have not left, even after telling him too.  It's real hard for me to completely believe, no matter how hard I try.  I can say things are a little better , we talk more, and we have even started praying together.  That's all good but still there is doubts in my mine , not that he don't love me, or that he don't want to be with me, the doubt is if he has stop what he is during and he means it in his heart.  He made a statement one day " That he would do anything to keep his family"  I don't think he know what he is saying half the time, or do he say it for me to be content.  I have ask him that question and he said no.  We are getting a house build and everyone is excited even me, but I ask him several times if this is what he wants and he said yes.   Sometimes I feel stupid because I am still with him, I feel that I should have left and because I did not that will  give him the right to do it to me again , I hope I am wrong. Maybe one day I will completly get over this but right now it is hard.  I Love my husband and enjoy every moment with him, but how long will it last.

[Forum Administrator]

Hi ANewDay. I'm glad to hear that you have not given up. I'm also glad to hear that you told your husband what happened and that he didn't leave. It sounds like you're both taking steps in the right direction. It is understandable that doubts will still come up in your mind, but you have to refute those doubts with the truth of the decisions that you have made. First, you have to decide if you will forgive your husband, then you have to decide if you are willing  to trust him. I say willing because it will take time to rebuild that trust, but unless you're willing to trust, the battle is lost before it is fought... and it will be a battle.

Forgiving your husband does not mean that you will not remember the offense. You will remember. But when you do remember, remind yourself that you have chosen to forgive him. It's a process. You forgive him for one reason and one reason only: God has forgiven you. At first you will struggle with forgiving him for what he's done in the past. As you continue in the process and God transforms your heart because of your obedience to Him, you will not only be able to forgive him for his past offenses, but you will be able to forgive him for future offenses... even before he commits them. That's how God forgives us and he instructs us to forgive others in the same way (Ephesians 4:32).

Trust is earned, and in your situation, both you and your husband will need to demonstrate consistent commitment to faithfulness over time. Question for you: if you think you are "stupid" for staying with your husband, do you also think he is "stupid" for staying with you? There is nothing stupid about fighting for what you believe in, and the unity of your marriage is a good thing to believe in. Keep in mind that this is all still relatively fresh, so it is understandable that it is difficult. You didn't get to where you are overnight. Time is a critical factor in the rebuilding of trust. Give it some time.

In the meantime, don't undermine your relationship with "what ifs." Don't look for/imagine/speculate about reasons to distrust him. That's like laying bricks to a foundation and you scraping out the cement in between the bricks before it has a chance to dry. That's an example of what the proverb speaks about when it refers to a woman pulling down her house with her own hands (Proverbs 14:1). Talk to him. Let him know how you're struggling where you are now, but also let him know what your desire is as far as where you want to be in your marriage with him. You will need to bear with one another as you grow through this. Be a wise woman: build your house. If your husband is trying to regain your trust and you continue to doubt him, he may become convinced that he can never regain your trust and give up trying. I do understand that it's hard, but try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Try to assume the best and not the worst. Don't be naive, but do stick to the facts and not speculations. 

As a reminder, here is a snippet from my previous response to your post When to give up?[/iurl]:

As far as your worrying about what your husband might be doing with the other women, surrender your control and recognize where your strength lies. God is in control and with Him, you can face and go through anything! Set your boundaries (as indicated in the post referred to above) and recognize that "you shall not surely die." If your husband doesn't change, you shall not surely die. If he leaves, you shall not surely die. If the worst you can imagine happens you shall not surely die! Whatever comes, with God's help you can face it and get through. Once you grasp that reality, you will not be scared anymore.

Remember also the awesome power you have in prayer. Keep your heart clear before God (Psalm 66:18) so that your prayers will not be hindered, and then PRAY! Pray for your husband. Pray for your marriage. Pray for yourself. Be specific and detailed in your prayers (Philippians 4:6-8). As the old song goes, "Tell Him what you want!" Why worry when you can pray? Worry can't change a thing, but God through prayer can!

I also added the following article to the Catch of the Day for your review: Forgiving The Unforgivable. I would strongly recommend the book that this article is based on, The Gift of Forgiveness. Whenever you're struggling feel free to use Deep Waters as a support. Sometimes it helps to write out what your feeling and hopefully we can help you to keep things in perspective. 

[Gracious]

Madame Forum Administrator you are TRULY an angel of the LORD


Hello...A New Day:

I'm receiving through your words, that not only were you hurt temporally (within your flesh)...but spiritually...DEEP...with your soul!!!

A NEW DAY...what I'm getting ready to share may at first glance, appear "RADICAL"...but I am going to step out on faith and pray that you receive these words within you spirit...because that is where you are hurting and where you are in the process of  receiving a healing...Amen?

Many saints fall away from those who share, regarding the spiritual realm (as opposed to and or along with...the religious) because this is an arena that man cannot reason (scientifically) away.

This realm requires a GODLY...LOVE- trust - faith - LOVE - and mo' LOVE...Amen?

The "human SPIRIT" in its essence, is a place that NO MAN (or woman) has the right to invade (as in physically abuse and or emotionally violate); that when such occurrences happen...All parties involved are left to grieve...yet this is another reason that we must pray for them that spitefully use/misuse us!!!

Here's my meaning:

There are forces within each of us...that "we" WRESTLE AGAINST CONSTANTLY:

(When we seek to do GOOD...evil is ever present...)

Women are trained from birth...to forgive (I'm speaking in a WORDLY sense) /ignore/deny...PAIN...for this in some SICK way, contends our "virtuousness" - desirability!!!

I believe this philosophy to be a terrible LIE (FROM THE PIT OF HELL!!!), because the truth is that... Your love/heart, your feeling/emotions, your faith are invaluable portions that both embrace & are contained within your spirit...and were placed within you, long before you knew another human being...and will travel with you long after this world comes to an end!!! 

Selah!

Should we fall into this trap of minimizing our pain (rendering "IT" as unimportant) we run the risk of compounding "IT" (our pain...making it worse by neglect) until we are so sick inside, that "IT" begins to take on other forms that interfere with our physical health (eg. high blood pressure - the plight of many Pastors, diabetes, cardio-infarctions/heart attacks, etc.)

Therefore, the TRUTH as I see it (for you) is that you have a right to feel/acknowledge anger, disappointment, abandonment, by the ACTIONS of your husband (...Both his and your current feelings regarding his actions) have jeopardized...your family!!!

Then (also as I see it) you must allow God to show YOU...the YOU (as in how YOU have sinned against your marriage )

What does GOD say about deceptions...(Let's us choose LIFE... within HIS "TRUTH":

2 Corinthians 4 (Amplified Version)

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1THEREFORE, SINCE we do hold and engage in this ministry by the mercy of God [granting us favor, benefits, opportunities, and especially salvation], we do not get discouraged (spiritless and despondent with fear) or become faint with weariness and exhaustion.
    2We have renounced disgraceful ways (secret thoughts, feelings, desires and underhandedness, the methods and arts that men hide through shame); we refuse to deal craftily (to practice trickery and cunning) or to adulterate or handle dishonestly the Word of God, but we state the truth openly (clearly and candidly). And so we commend ourselves in the sight and presence of God to every man's conscience

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(DEEEEP Breath)

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There is "Good News" in the truth (peace / the Light) the you seek !!!

The Holy Bible tells us that "Marriage" is the FIRST covenant between God and man...my bible also tells me that to be FIRST is a most HIGH (honorable) position...in the kingdom of heaven (the 3rd heaven). 

In marriage ceremonies, the "officiator" will often say something to the affect that... "this covenant ought not be entered into lightly"... few words...when put together...could be MORE PROFOUND!!

Could you have possibly conceived that before your bones were shapened within your mother's womb ("...14For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust..."Psa. 103:14), that GOD who KNEW you first...could have planted the kind of testimony within your spirit that would cast out demons!!!

(Should you AND YOUR HUSBAND make it through this storm TOGETHER...absent of anger, fear, guilt etc...can you see the testimony (tell it!!!) of "covenant unity" that the two of you could evoke?)

You do know that the SPIRIT of GOD (THE HOLY SPIRIT...THE LIVING WATER) is ever present and ALIVE within you...Amen? And, I hope that you also know that when you were birthed (through your mothers womb), you where "born into sin"...something that we ALL have in common with each other...Amen?

100% of the time...whenever there is an inner struggle... "IT" is because our mind (a fleshly agent) is not operating congruently (in DEVINE-GODLY harmony) with our spirit!!!...and we feel CONFUSED!!!

My bible tells me that GOD is NOT the author of confusion. Sooooooo, should you be in this "state of confusion"....KNOW THAT YOU ARE DISCONNECTED FROM HIM!!! AND that your soul will NOT rest until you are BACK IN THE SAFETY NET ...YOUR WILL ALIGNED WITH HIS WILL!!!... On your knees before the FATHER, asking for HIM to show YOU how to forgive FIRST...understanding nothing...reasoning nothing...challenging nothing...You are to assume the position of an automaton (a robotic state)...simply moving through time & space without reasoning...doing ONLY AS GOD ORDERS!!!

In other words...if you have children, a job, outside responsibilities...do them - take care of them; love your children, your husband...Amen? As you awake in the morning, begin to pray, and through your daily duties - pray & listen & allow your ministering angels to descend upon your circumstances...AND THEY WILL. (I did mention RADICAL ...ehhh )

Trusting THE Creator (GOD) to walk before you...will simultaneously lift the burden of indecision regarding all that is wrong / confusing in your life... "IT" is the anesthesia of "THE ALPHA DOCTOR" - Jehovah Raffia'... "IT"... ABSOLUTE TRUST in GOD will cause the enemy of your soul to flee from you (ALL hurt harm & danger), and GOD will perform HIS miraculous surgery on your hurting heart & bruised soul.

Lastly, have either or both of you considered counseling (with a professional that KNOWS the WORD of GOD & how to understand/operate spiritually...Pastoral care...etc.)

Only those who have walked through the valley....can have a testimony that will heal the heart!!!

My sista' through you, I'm beginning to understand that sometimes a testimony comes in phases/parts.

I am with you and intercede through prayer on your behalf.


God Bless You,


Gracious