Life After Abortion

[Vikki Johnson]

My ten year-old daughter is the absolute joy of my life. She is a precious gift from God and I thank Him everyday for entrusting me with her. At the same time, I can't help but think how different my life would be if the other three--yes, three children--I conceived had been born and a part of my world. It makes me sad, even as I write this, to imagine "what could have been" if I was responsible for three daughters and one son at this time in my life.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I remember that period in my life like it was yesterday. I was a junior in college, on a full athletic scholarship, a member of the gospel choir, and my sorority was in the midst of pledging a line. I was excited about being pregnant. I was so excited that I was fearless and ready to defend my decision to have a baby in spite of what it would cost me. I was willing to walk away from my scholarship and from people's opinions, even the people who were the most disappointed in me. The baby's father wanted me to have an abortion, but I adamantly refused telling him that he could leave and never come back. The baby and I would be fine, even if I had to do it alone.

I remember the night I went into premature labor at 12 weeks. It was 1986; I was in the emergency room alone in the midst of losing a baby girl I wanted so badly that I made a conscious, sincere commitment to the Lord. In the midst of trauma, my relationship with God truly began. That night, God let me know that He was with me, even when the baby's father wasn't.

Years later, after the birth of my daughter, I got pregnant from someone whom I loved, but the relationship was a secret. It's ironic how "before accepting Christ" I was fearless, courageous, and willing to go through the fire to have my baby. But this time it was different. I was scared, alone, fearful, and bound by thoughts of shame, humiliation, rejection, intimidation, abandonment, and other people's opinions. What would the church think? I was over the youth ministry. What would I tell my Pastor and his wife? What would my family think about the "golden child?" The baby's father was caught in the same web of questions. He persuaded me that we both had "too much to lose" if I had the baby so I had an abortion. I aborted our son, another baby I wanted badly. The baby's father paid for the abortion and that was the extent of his involvement. As far as I'm concerned, I went through it alone. Once again, God let me know that He was with me, even if the baby's father wasn't.

At first, I felt relief. Then the thoughts of regret, anger, resentment, hurt, and loss began to periodically overwhelm me. What had I done? Why did I do it? I had an abortion so EVERYBODY ELSE would be okay. What about me? There I was "in Christ," where I should have been the most secure, feeling insecure and fragile. I wondered if this was something I would have to deal with for the rest of my life.

A couple more years passed and I was doing okay until I got pregnant AGAIN in yet another "secret relationship." This time, I thought about what I wanted and how happy this baby would make me. However, that did not last long. The baby's father and I were both married to other people. Too many people would be hurt. Too many lives would be affected and thrust into turmoil. I thought about taking my daughter, running away, and having the baby on my own. You know, desperate people do desperate things right? Who was I kidding? I could not do that either. So after much thought and discussion with the baby's father, I convinced myself AGAIN that aborting our unborn daughter was the best thing for everybody else.

The relief only lasted a few hours this time. Later that same day, the waves of guilt and regret began to wash over me and with that same intensity, lasted for the next several months. I remember attending my grandmother's funeral during this time and completely breaking down as soon as I saw her in the casket. Yes, I was sad that Sugarball was gone, but for the first time, I felt the anguish of conceiving but not having three babies. After that, I would only cry if no one else was around. I hid my pain from people. Once again, God let me know that He was there.

Eventually I cried out to God, telling Him how sorry I was for rejecting His gifts. I also told God that I needed His help because I could not live like that anymore. The guilt was secretly taking over my life. The first thing God did was "turn up" His love for me through my daughter. She was and still is my angel. The next thing God did was allow me to hear a Christian radio broadcast. I was driving to work one morning listening to Pastor Jack Hayford minister to women who had experienced abortions. I was stunned, but his words were very soothing. He then began to encourage listeners to request his book entitled, I'll Hold You In Heaven. That book was the beginning of my healing. The reassurance that I will see my children again is what provoked me to go after God with all that's within me. Each time I conceived, my children became a part of me forever.

I still have moments every now and then. The difference in my life now is that I fully embrace and engage the love of God, and the security found in that love. His love made provisions for my mistakes and bad choices. His love nurtures my children in heaven until I get there to be REUNITED with them. His love forgives me and enables me to forgive myself. I can't stop the moments of regret from coming, but I don't invite them to stay around either.

The last thing I did (and maybe this will help someone), is I created a memorial for the children I conceived that didn't make it here. It's not important what the memorial is as much as it is imperative that you create one. You can plant a garden, add charms to your bracelet/necklace in your child's memory, start a project or business. Whatever you do, don't act like it never happened, because it did. Honor your child's memory in a way that is meaningful to you. There are many options. The beauty is that this time, you can choose something that brings life.
I'll Hold You In Heaven is available on the Deep Waters Resources for Singles page

[forhim]

Elder Vikki you have openly shared on a topic that the church readily shuns and your words are helping so many silent sufferers. Your openess on the subject is a testament that God can give abundant life through His love. I love the point that you can be reunited with your seemingly lost gift. Be encouraged!

[stilllearning]

Thank you so much for sharing...this is probably the most encouraging thing I have read. I have also had two abortions in the last ten years, and every Mother's Day I am a total mess. It is also amazing how guilt can set up shop in our spirit, and we don't even recognize it until God shows us and desires for us to go to the next level. It is paralyzing. Your openess and wisdom is such a blessing, and I continue to be amazed at how much this website has made a difference in my life. Thank you and God Bless

[IEve]

Bless God for your willingness to be so open and honest.  I have had four abortions.  One after coming to Christ.  Like you I was guilt-ridden.

Then one day while riding to work God let me know without question that he forgave me and wanted me to forgive myself. I shared this testimony of forgiveness at watch night service.   Many women came up to me for weeks after saying how much the testimony had touched and freed them.  

Now, I am 34 years old and unlike you have no children.  I struggle to come to terms with the very real possibility that I may never have children.  I know God is a restorer and He does all things well.  Still, sometimes, guilt, fear and doubt creep in and I feel that not having any children would be my just reward for rejecting the gifts of God.  

At those times, I have to remind myself that the devil is a liar.  That God came that I would have life and that more abudantly.  That He desires to give me back all that the enemy stole.  Even if no child ever comes from my womb, it is well with my soul.  

I am an elementary school teacher.  For 7 hours each day, I love, nurture, and correct children as if they were my own.  I am about to take in a 12 year old whose mother can't bear the responsibility right now.  For the time that she is in may care, I will love her, nurture her, and care for her as if she is my own.  

God does all things well.  Halluejah!!