What's Going On?

[keepmelord]

I have been in warfare for 6 years.  . I had been celibate for five years but was working on myself and allowing God to to purge and cleanse me from my past. This  process was challenging but very rewarding.  After this process, I felt free and good about myself. I saw myself the way God said I was and was able to walk freely in His instructions.  Whatever God told me to do I did it and saw the fruit of my obedience and watched lives change thus God got the glory from it. I ended up meeting this female and  we became friends. This friendship was weird because she had some unseen power and control over me. This was not a sexual relationship but somehow I began to listen to her over God and having to always defend my actions when the Holy Spirit would tell me to do things a certain way. I felt like I hit a brick wall. Volunteering in the community, in church, and my relationship with God stopped abruptly. I ended up making all the wrong choices. I met this guy and confided in my friend that i was going to leave this guy because he was tearing me down and claiming that he was a christian. I was also mad that I had spent five years preparing myself for my husband and getting off track with someone who was playing with me emotions. Again, my friend somehow convinced me that he didnt do anything wrong but I clearly knew better but somehow was caught up. I had a  sexual relationship with him. God had given me signs that I needed to end the friendship with this female but I was scared because she was a new christian and thought she may blame me for leaving her life and hate Christians. I ended up ending the relationship with both but it seems that I have been in warfare ever since.  I have been dealing with being homicidal, paranoia, losing my mind,  depressed, anxiety and now dealing with the latest homosexuality but it has been one after the other and it has been strong. I have never dealt with anything like this in my life before.  I know the relationship that I had with God would allow me to come against these spirits but now Im at the point that I cant even pray for myself. I am trying to understand what happended to me and why Im going through this treacherous ordeal. I blame myself for allowing them in my life because I was always careful about who I would allow around me. I didnt see this coming but I need I help. I feel like a sitting duck!

[Gracious]

Greetings keepmelord,

How are you?   I pray that you are ... yet holding on ... taking it day by day ... Amen?

Chile, I am sooo in awe with how you were able to pack a lifetime of emotions in one relatively short paragraph.  How did you do that ... easy to read too (as in ... it didn't take all day to figure out what was/is really going on with you spiritually.)

In order to embrace what concerns you, I took the liberty of separating your concerns this way:

The GOOD / The Jesus in you:

I had been celibate for five years but was working on myself and allowing God to to purge and cleanse me from my past. This  process was challenging but very rewarding.  After this process, I felt free and good about myself. I saw myself the way God said I was and was able to walk freely in His instructions.  Whatever God told me to do I did it and saw the fruit of my obedience and watched lives change thus God got the glory from it.

Nothing to say about this beautiful state of your being ... except to add that God blesses us & He remembers our obedience!

The Attack:

I have been in warfare for 6 years.   .
I ended up making all the wrong choices.
I know the relationship that I had with God would allow me to come against these spirits but now Im at the point that I cant even pray for myself.
I have been dealing with being homicidal, paranoia, losing my mind,  depressed, anxiety and now dealing with the latest homosexuality but it has been one after the other and it has been strong.
I have never dealt with anything like this in my life before.

Thank you for your courage in sharing - your honesty in addressing this season in your life that you've never walked out of.  I'm led that The Holy Ghost has graciously pointed this out to you, you have turned away fromm Him and as a result you are going through what every adult goes through. 

Here's my meaning:

Whenever there is a conflict between what God desires for us and what we "desire" for us, pangs of anxiety, desperation & yes, even depression APPEAR to consume us!   This is what I meant when I spoke earlier regarding:
"...Now, you've honestly addressed the season in your life that you've never walked out of."

Keepmelord, this place of confusion isn't new to you is it?  Surely this situation may appear different, but doesn't the confusion/anxiety/restlessness seem familiar to you?  My spirit is telling me that it does.  You've been here before.  And God is pressing you to learn the necessary lesson.  When devastation comes ... it is time!  Time to walk away from the old (e.g. emotional / spiritual bad habits) ... AND LIVE!  Live your life ... with meaning!  Leave a legacy of worth!
If you have forgotten your "how to pray", then READ!  Read that which was divinely left behind to inspire you (us all for that matter). 

Held in the 5th book of the Psalter (Psalm 139), you will find your answers.  If on your knees, you earnestly ask God to open your heart (and your eyes) ... He will do it!

You know, the one thing that I love about walking with God - here on earth?  He never shows himself complicated to us!  Wherever you are - JESUS is there - WAITING patiently to love you more.  The worse our circumstance - the softer His voice.  Strange huh?  But that's the kind of God we serve ... Strange, unpredictable, loving and eternal ... Amen?

And He is there with you!

Stop looking for a Friend, when the best one you will ever know - the One who promised never to leave or forsake any of us, is inside of you!  Let God fix that which concerns you.  Still yourself and allow Him to fill/fulfill the empty space that you've been trying to fill since you were a child! Dare to trust the only One who is Trust Worthy!  From your post, we know that you know how to do that ... and quite well I might add!

Only His Best is my prayer for your life,

Gracious