Cheating Husband

[imuncertain]

I have been married for 32 years and about 4 months ago, I found an e-mail from my husband to another woman professing his love for her.  I confronted him and he said it was just "internet talk".  I also noticed that there were numerous phone calls to the same phone number on my bill.  I started monitoring the phone bill and over a 4 month period, over 500 calls were incoming or outgoing to that same phone number.  I was also able to get 3 or 4 more e-mails (before my husband deleted them) that included him telling her how much he loved her and how wonderful she was.  I confronted him again and told him that his lies and deceit had to end.  He said that nothing was going on and that he didn't think that he was doing anything to hurt me.  He was smart enough to try and cover his tracks but I still had enough information.  The person he was e-mailing is not the person he was calling.  We talked and cried and he promised to not do anything to destroy our marriage and that lasted 48 hours.  He is back on the phone and I've found 4 new e-mails.  I have 34 years invested with this man and I respect my marriage vows but I don't know what to do next.  I told him that this issue was making me physically ill and I guess it doesn't matter.  I welcome any input and suggestions.  I'm at my wits end.

[Gracious]

Hello imuncertain & WELCOME to the Deep Waters Family

Truly my heart goes out to you as you try as best you can, to somehow "deal" with this devastating betrayal from your husband.

32 years living with & loving & sharing yourself with your husband seems like a "lifetime" to most of us ... Amen?  I'm sure that there is much wisdom (advice) that you yourself could share with us concerning "the how to's..." of marriage.  Simply to be able to say "I've been married for 32 years" ... speaks volumes (to me) regarding the kind of faith & character that we all ought to aspire towards!!!  Yes, my precious sister, YOU have quite an accomplishment within you!!!!

The Holy Spirit has moved me to speak to you about your "mountain" this way ...

Of course we know that the institution of "marriage" is just & Godly & good & is what most Christians are supposed to aspire towards ... Amen?  Through it, we are trained to rear our children (the most precious of all resources).

BUT ...

What "they" don't tell us  ... Something we only learn AFTER we say "I DO" (& the HUNEYMOON fades) ...is that ... "At the most inoportune times "Marriage" can turn into one looooooong never-ending therapy session ... Amen?  Meaning, "all-of-a- sudden-out-of-the-blue" ... these "strange" - unwelcomed - hard to understand feeling/emotions (spirits) RISE from within us & before we know it, we find ourselves taken-over by them!  Many of us married folk do the exact opposite of what we're supposed to do ... "we SHUT DOWN to our spouse", we go inward - we HIDE ... AND WE LIE"!!! ... to ourselves, each other & to our CREATOR!!!  Yes!!!  We separate ourselves & pull away from the very people that GOD has joined us together with. 

THEN ... WE SELF - MEDICATE!!!  We BINGE!!! 

We OVER ... eat, drink, smoke, pop-pills, shoot-up, etc.  & we fornicate (through intercourse, pornography etc).!!!  We sin against our own bodies!!!

X'CUSE me for a few paragraphs Holy Ghost!!!

My sister, if you were to try to get to the bottom (the root cause) of the situation by asking your husband the typical question "WHY" is he acting this way???  I would almost guarantee you that he couldn't & wouldn't tell you!!!  Because either he honestly doesn't know and or he is too fearfully confused to figure it out!!!  Which leads us to this all consuming  LUV-IT / HATE-IT ... gender specific non-clinical term I've coined as the "MAN-THANG" or  "MAN-BAG!!!

Sista' ... let-a-nutha'-sista' "pull-yo'-coat" (if I may) & walk with me on this "MAN-BAG" thang'!   Men do sum a da' dummest, stupidest, hurtful, wanna' clock de' nots thangs ... that coulda' ever been done!!!  (Can I git a witness!!!)

Why a man would knowingly throw away a "good woman" (which I'm sure that you are), a 32 year marriage & all that history (some of the best years of your life & his) that goes along with it, makes absolutely NO sense!

Now I will say this, we women aren't that much better because we instinctively make matters worse by doing what "WE DO" ... which is ... snoop, pass out guilt, yell scream & have fits & here's the worse thing we do ... we attempt to discipline our own husbands as if they've been unruly children & then if that doesn't work ... we mysteriously "whip-it-on-um" -BETTA" than the way we THINK they like it ... in some "desperate" attempt to jog their memory; make them remember what it is that their jeopardizing with their harmful behavior?

WHEW!!!  OK ... BACK TO GOD!!!

How do you handle this???

You do what YOU were created to do!  You remember who YOU are, WHO's you are & who made YOU!!!  The happiest you've ever been with your husband, can in no way compare to the ecstasy that you can live in - that will last you on through to an eternity!!!

As much as you may desire ...  YOU cannot control the will or the actions of your husband ... nor should you want to!  Your husband has his own mind & he will do as he wishes!  Regardless of how much it hurts you!  (Perhaps your seeing this now?)

Prayer works!!!  Sound spiritual council works!  Where is your Pastor?  Do you have one?  You do NEED one you know, especially now!!!  You know that GOD led to here because the "carer's" of this site are wise & spiritually connected to our Deity (e.g our Forum Admin. & her husband & moderators & posters!!! )

This may sound heartless, but  YOU must concentrate on your own mind-body & spirit - you can not help anyone who doesn't want to be helped (your husband, as evidenced through his persistent abuse towards you & your marriage).  My sister, you alone cannot fix him ... only GOD can do this!  If or when GOD decides to use you in this situation ... how will you know ... if you are preoccupied emotionally, by your environment???

Jesus is the lifter up of your head!  Seek him first!!!!  Breathe deeply and remember your strength, remember how far GOD has brought you, remember how HE saw fit to spare your life - when HE could have easily taken it away!!!

YOU are your greatest testimony ... even in the midst of your pain!!!  Bless GOD every moment, let HIM saturate your thoughts & HE will exchange your pain & your fear, for peace & HE will reunite you with your JOY!!!

God bless you my friend & I'll be praying your strength.


From my heart,

Gracious

[Forum Administrator]

Hello imuncertain. You are welcome. Thank you for sharing. Before I share another word, I want to share this scripture with you that has been a backbone of strength for me.

Hebrews 13:5-6 says (in the Amplified version - emphasis mine):
5Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]

    6So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?

I encourage you to let these verses steady you as you go through this storm. Commit them to memory and remind yourself of these promises that God has given.

It is said that it takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to destroy it. I believe this to be a true statement. Your husband has some decisions to make, and I pray that he will make the right ones. Both of you will have to ask yourselves, "Do I want my marriage to work, and am I committed to doing what it takes to make that happen?" Whatever the answers to those questions might be, you will be all right because God is your Helper. Never forget that. Understanding this reality will enable and empower you as you deal with this situation.

I've posted an article Hope For The Broken Marriage that I believe will be helpful to you. Hope is a powerful thing. As long as you keep it in the right place -- not in your husband; not in your marriage; but in God -- you will not be disappointed. We will be praying for you and we're here if you need to post again (and again).

[imuncertain]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.  I have been a part of someone for so long that it is hard to be me.  From all the advice that I have received, it is time to trust in God and be the person that I need to be.  As you said, I cannot change my husband, only he can do that if he wishes.  I can change myself though and look for the positives and greatness all around me.  God bless you all.