Need help

[Singer]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years.  We have a beautiful baby boy who is the bright spot in our marriage.  We've always had problems in our marriage.  He's always felt that I'm not in love with him and I've always felt the same way about him.  We recently had a conversation and he told me that he wanted to seperate and eventually divorce.  He said he could no longer live his life trying to please his parents (his father is the Pastor of our church) or continue to stay together for our child's sake.  I suggested that we get counseling but he said no.  I didn't really fight him on this because to be honest I'm tired and sometimes feel we should divorce.  I guess my question is, can you recommend any counseler's in the Washington Metro area.  I feel so alone right now.  Also, do you think a couple should stay together for the sake of a child? Since my Pastor is my father in law f feel like I can't talk to anyone and I'm feeling pretty down right now.  Any advice is welcomed!!!

[Forum Administrator]

The main thing that will hold your marriage together is not your child but your choice. Providing a loving, stable and godly environment for your child is of the utmost importance. But if you stay together for the sake of your son only, what will happen when he's old enough to leave home? What sort of environment will he be living in and growing up in with two parents who are only staying together because of him? When your child is old enough to realize what the reality of your living arrangement (and that's what it will be) is, he may feel a tremendous burden and sense of guilt. Your marriage should be more than just the postponement of a divorce, and it can be. Your son should not be the only bright spot in your marriage. Your marriage should be a bright spot for your son. One of the greatest gifts you can give to yourselves and your son is the testimony of being able to work through the root issues that are now leading you and your husband to a point of despair, and coming out with the kind of marriage where you will never have to question each other's love for one another.

You and your husband have a choice, and the choice I'm speaking of is not whether you should divorce or not. Divorce is never the solution to the problem because divorce (or the desire to) is a symptom of something else that is going on within one or both of you. It is that "something else" that needs to be addressed. The choice I'm referring to is whether you will love one another. You can love one another if you choose to, and God is there to help you do just that. There is a difference between loving someone and being "in love" with them. It's when we get caught up with being "in love" that we run into difficulty.

Being "in love" is feeling based, and feelings come and go based on our circumstances. Love, on the other hand, is a choice. The kind of love that God requires of you and your husband is agape. It is not feeling based. It is a choice to do what is in the best interest of the other. When you and your husband have an argument, you might be hard-pressed to tap into the feelings of being "in love," but you can still choose to love him and vice versa. It is this kind of love--agape love--that sustains and nourishes a marriage.

Based on the information that you've provided, I suspect that you have both been doing things in your marriage the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. But, it's not too late. Even though you have been married for five years, you are still newlyweds. Leave yourself room for adjustments. Albert Einstein defines insanity as, "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Whatever you've been doing in the last five years is not working. It's time to try something else. Your marriage is like your house, and if you find that your house is beginning to crumble, you must go back and check the foundation. God has given you both a blueprint for marriage and instructions (in His word) for how to make it work. If it's not working, go back to the instructions because they are your foundation and they are guaranteed to work. God has instructed you to love (agape) your husband. God has instructed your husband to love (agape) you. You've tried being "in love," now it's time to learn how to love one another the way God intended.

Patricia Ashley, one of our moderators, in her Experiencing A Fulfilled Marriage broadcast (available on tape/cd on our resources for marriage page http://www.deepwaters.info/resources-marriage.htm) once said that we will each give an account to God for how we have treated our husband or wife. When you and your husband stand before God, will you and your husband be able to say that you've done all you can to save your marriage? I encourage you and your husband to consider the five years you've already invested in the marriage, and commit at least five months to the counseling process. We will help you to find a Christian counseling couple that you can both be comfortable with who can hear and identify with both sides of the issues and help you to learn how to love one another... the right way.

Change begins with you (and I would say the same thing to your husband). I am not convinced that you need to divorce yourselves from one another. I am convinced however, that you need to divorce yourself from other people's opinions and from feeling-based commitment. Your husband is right in that he should not be trying to live his marriage to please His parents. He should, however, be living his marriage to please God, and so should you.

Feelings should follow decisions and not the other way around. Are you willing to make a decision and a commitment to love your husband? If so, tell him as much. Do you want to stand before God and tell Him that you've done all you can to carry out His blueprint for marriage? Do you want your marriage to be a bright spot for your son? Do you want to experience marriage the way God intended? If so, I encourage both you and your husband: don't give up! You can do this... both of you. Christ will give you the strength that you need. I am praying for you and your husband, and I ask others who will read this post to also pray for you and your husband. I will be in touch soon with the other information that you have requested.

[Singer]

Thank you so much for your reply to my post.  I emailed it my husband at work yesterday and when I got home from work he said "let's get some help (counseling), let's not give up, God's been to good to us to give up."  

I scheduled an appointment with the Counselors you recommended and will keep you posted on our progress.  Again, thank you for your prayers, you've been such a blessing to me.  May God continue to bless and keep you....Agape

Singer

[Forum Administrator]

I am rejoicing with you!   This is what Deep Waters is all about: helping people to make better relationship decisions. Kudos to you and your husband for making the decision to hang in there and do what it takes to make your marriage better! We will continue to pray for you both.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

[NubianQueen]

Would you please send me the list of counselors in the Washington Metropolitan area also?  My husband does not consider counsel from anyone at our Church to be "valid", since we are members of my home church and he feels all counsel will be based on everyone's love for me.

Thanks

[Forum Administrator]

Hello NubianQueen. A list of counselors in the DC-Metro area has been sent to you via private forum message. You have done well to seek outside counseling so that both you and your husband can be assured that the counseling you receive is completely impartial and where you can both be completely understood. We will continue to pray for you both and the good success of your marriage, and look forward to a victorious report!

[Singer]

Aleathea,

I wanted to give you an update on how things are going with me and my husband.  After you forwarded me the list of christian counslers I made an appoinment and at the last minute my husband backed out of going.  I was furious and decided (in my mind) it was over.  I could no longer live in a loveless marriage with someone who doesn't want to try to work things out.  We continued living together, not being intimate with on another and the only time we talked was when we talked about our son.  We even went on a family vacation for a week and barely spoke the entire time.  Once we returned from vacation he told me that he couldn't do it anymore and that he wanted to separate.  I was so relieved or at least I thought I was.  I wasn't really relived, just tired.  Shortly after that, we decided to tell his parents that we were going to separate.  His parents were so upset and his mother said "I refuse to believe that it's over.  Satan is trying to destroy your marriage and you're letting him."  She encouraged us to go to counseling before we do anything else.  

While all of this was going on, I was in the process of preparing to be apart of a women's praise and worship team for an up coming women's retreat.  In the days leading up to the retreat I made a decision.  I was going to really put my trust and faith in God and I was going to seek him regarding my marriage, which I've never done before.   That retreat saved my life!  The lord really dealt with me in the area's that have kept me in some serious bondage.  One of the most important things I took away from that retreat was that in all of these years (I'm 32)  I've carried around shame, guilt, low-self esteem, anger and unworthiness.  All of these things have ruined relationships in my life and it was doing the same thing to my marriage.  Someone said on the retreat that "Guilt in an insult to God" and "God Loves me anyway."  Hearing those words was a defining moment for me, not that I haven't heard them before, but for the first time they really had meaning.  In that moment, I was able to feel God's love for me, I was finally able to realize my worth.  For the first time while singing, God gave me the freedom and boldness to truly praise and worship him "unashamed."  It's been such and revelation and It's propelled me to start focusing on God more and less on the "faults" of my husband, which a lot of those faults have turned out to be my issues and "stuff."

The week that I returned from my retreat my husband went on a Men's retreat.  He came back a different man.  He hasn't shared anyting that happened on his retreat, but I feel such a closeness with my husband.  It's a closeness that we've never had before.  Of course I'm not foolish enough to believe that the retreats will fix everything in our marriage, but I do believe that we're on the right track.  We've taken the focus off of ourselves and have put the focus on God.  We're praying together, singing together and even reading the bible together....I'm about ready to burst just typing this.  God has truly blessed me.  I'm a living testimony that God will give you the desires of you heart.  

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Singer! I'm smiling from ear to ear after reading your update. I believe God for the good success of your marriage. I drew a little diagram in my response to the post I'm sinking to illustrate how as we (as husbands and wives) focus on getting closer to God, we ultimately draw closer to one another.

No, the retreats wont fix things, but a commitment from both of you to do things God's way and a willingness to work through any issues that may be keeping you from being completely whole will.

I'm excited for you both. Please keep us updated. You both continue to be in my prayers.