The Jealousy/Envy Trial

[Novelist]

Hello Everyone,

I have not posted for months and also have endured some serious issues during my absence.  Simply life is not perfect, yet it can be beautiful at times.  I know this, yet I cannot stand the situations that I constantly face and I am not sure what is wrong with me.  Firstly, I have been undergoing so much emotional stress.  I have also gone through periods of withdrawal where I just want to stay in my shell and no come out.  I am not making excuses for my behavior pattern, but it has been a habit of mine for years.  I will become moody after while because I am thinking and analyzing things deeper than I should.  I have been feeling down about myself because I am not where I want to be.  I know jealousy and envy is wrong.  I want my loved ones to move forward in their lives, yet I am not moving at all.  I have worked hard to make things change, but I am not sure what God is doing in my life.  It seem like everything is on hold.  I am bitter and regretful from alot of things in my life and I don't want to blame everyone for it because it is my fault.  For one, I have been battling with insecurity and self esteem issues. 

I have been envying my cousin for years because she appears to have most of the things I would like to have going, not in the same order or exact, I just want things to happen for me too and it is taking too long.  Am I bringing all of these issues upon myself? I know jealousy can destroy lives and relationships because we had an encounter and she was very upset with me.  I admitted that she seem to have it better than me.  It was an emotional moment for us because she has been there for me and the same with me.  I would do anything to help her if I could and do even more.  I have been spending time with her daughter while she was at work and running errands for her when needed.  She has been a great help to me too.  Jealousy came in because she has a "Boo" and I don't.  I can see why.  I have to get some counseling because there are some things that are still in me that I must address now.  Most of the things I am going through, I did not ask for, but it is happening to me.  Why am I still battling with this at 28? I know I have issues like everyone, but mine seem worse because it is the same drama.  When will I get past all of the hurt and pain and begin to see more in me than just tears?  God knows, I want to be healed and move on and be happy.

My issue was holding anger and being anti social.  I want others to be happy and prosper, yet I am thinking of my progress as well.  This is the biggest deal for me.  Please give me some advice.  Should I get counseling and is it wrong even though I believe in God?