A Little uncertain and should he have accountability?

[jbritte2]

Hello,

Im dating this wonderful guy who I started dating 7 months ago. It is long distance. We have been friends for awhile first. He came into town to get away on a retreat to focus on God and read some books on how to be a man of purity. He expressed that he has looked at porn and hates it.

I respect him for sharing that with me. He proceeded to tell me that he came across porn because his non-Christian brother lives with him and down loads it onto the computer but tries to hide it from him. My boyfriend came across it and that is where the struggle began. The computer belongs to his brother and they share it. So with that, any computer program that tracks websites wont work (Covenant eyes.com)

I asked him to get an accountability partner and he said that he does not really look at porn and his pastor (of a really tiny church) does not have time to hold him accountable. All of his close friends are in other states. Again, his church is really small and he has a hard time finding accountability with his busy work schedule. He mentioned to me that he does not really struggle with it and he is fine. He is very much a gentleman toward me in our relationship sexually and we both desire to be pure and save sex for marriage. I would say we generally have a happy relationship

I guess my question is - should I insist he have an accountability partner? Should I insist that he make his brother have password controls on his desktop? How much should I be demanding of him in this area? Shall I just trust him and take his word? I feel okay but not great about all this. I guess I get a little irritated with his pastor or any church that does not hold some sort of sexual integrity support for its members...My boyfriend does get a little defensive when we address this.....Its just all a little unclear to me....Im open to anyones thoughts....

[Gracious]

Hello jbritte2 & welcome to Deep Waters.    

I've been a member here for quite awhile now, I've enjoyed the atmosphere here & grown tremendously from the wisdom shared. My prayer is that you will love & grow spiritually with us.

Now, my first thought while reading your post was ... "it appears that you are taking on a burden that is not for you to carry."  Your friend has an "issue" with pornography, he knows it, he's made you aware of it, and "apparently" he does not plan on doing anything about it ... OR ... he does not know how to (as in feel comfortable enough to) seek help!

I see what he's told you - blaming it all on his roommate & the fact that they share a computer?  Do you "really" believe him?  Why do you feel that he is so defensive when you broach the subject with him?  Aren't the two of you in a committed relationship?  You DO have the right to initiate a discussion with him about this ... ESPECIALLY since "HE" brought (shared) this with you initially.

My concern is for you at this point.  As in YOU placing more of an importance on the "wealthy places" that YOU hold within.  Meaning, YOUR LOVE is invaluable ... Amen?  You must KNOW this and treat it as such!  When something is invaluable to you ... you treat it with extreme care.  I believe that "love" is meant to be shared - NOT given-up or away!  Meaning, if you TRUST a man enough to be in a committed relationship with him, it (TRUST) SHOULD be reciprocated.  There SHOULD be several things that the two of you share "in-common", and one of them SHOULD be "HONESTY".  It should NOT be enough for you, that your friend "exposed" this pornography issue (that "he" has) with you.  Why?  Because "he" should "VALUE" your emotions (your heart) so much so that he would NEVER bring his "baggage" for you to compartmentalize (process)!  Why?  Because "he" should be aggressively seeking therapy (HELP) for this problem ... ON HIS OWN!!! And it IS a problem ... and it is "his" problem ... not yours! 

Next, and this goes along with the last paragraph.  You are not married to this man.  Therefore, you owe him nothing ... ACCEPT that which the bible admonishes as a Christian!  You do not "owe" him your heart (intimate feelings), your time, or your worry. 

When men are confused about an issue ... the very LAST thing that "they" feel that they need is another mother.  And every time you bring the pornography subject up ... that's probably what he sees. 

Soooo, what should you do???

You RAISE THE BAR with this man!  You set the standard!  You let him know in no uncertain terms ... just who you are, what you expect from him ... and lastly, where you see yourself 5yrs from now! (Do you know?  Have you thought about a personal 5yr Plan ... Every "single" woman should go to GOD & get one!!!)

Godly "Friendships" involve MUTUAL giving & taking. People are not issueless - we all come to each other with baggage of some sort.  BUT we as Christians are all called to live up to a holy standard ... Amen?  When we fall from it (as we all do) the responsibility of our healing is between "us" (that individual) & GOD! 

When we seek a mate (if you are a Christian) it should be because GOD has prepared you for that person.  And if HE has, then YOU will know it & have no doubt about it ... otherwise you are wasting your INVALUABLE time.  And you will pay for your relationship mistake(s) by having to re-do what SHOULD have been done FIRST - over & over again ... until you spiritually mature in this area (learn the lesson).

Prayerfully, there will be something I've been led to share that will help you.

GOD Bless you,


Gracious

[David Dupree]

Hi jBritte2 and welcome to DeepWaters! 

  My first impression upon reading your post is if the porn wasn't an issue, then it would not be an issue.   Therefore, although he seems to say it is not an issue, it should not have to be said if it really is not an issue.  The Bible admonishes to shun the very appearance of evil.  So even though your friend may know that the stuff is on the computer, he doesn't have to bring up those files or saved urls to those unsavory sites. 

That being said, I would suggest that you can encourage him to be accountable to someone..but to insist?  I don't think so.  If that does become a real issue that he gets "overtaken" in , then hopefully he can be restored in the spirit of meekness as stated in the Bible and get the appropriate help.  If you feel that you don't want to wade through the issues, and hang in there through the resolution, then take a walk.  What God has for you is for you!  Be anxious for nothing...  I won't reiterate all the words of wisdom that Gracious has so graciously imparted, but I hope that you take heed. 
Finally, if you haven't read my wife's book, I would strongly encourage you to read it as I believe it will speak directly to this situation and allow you to avoid some real life consequences of this type issue.  www.dathea.com/vision Check it out!!  :-) 

dd

[jbritte2]

David Dupree and Gracious,

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my concern. I have read your advice over and over again. I hope over time to be a blessing to others on this site. I will take the time to read your wife's book as Im hooked after the first chapter. Yes, I will be prayerful about my approach and as Gracious mentioned to "Set the bar high"....I guess its hard because I don't have evidence of anything he is doing but the appearance of it all looks wrong and not a community to foster trust. I just have read too many devastating articles, personal experiences through friends, and stats on pastors with porn and its overwhelming. I don't want to be paranoid but want to keep my eyes wide open and use discernment. I am very respectful to my boyfriend and really have not nagged him about this....Im waiting and giving him time.....but not too much time.....Im doing my best as well to be flexible and honoring with things that he has concerns (If I drink)...

I guess Im realizing how this situation really is impacting my ability to trust and Im seeking to figure out what is going on in the depth of my heart. I dated a pastor prior to this from Colorado Springs and was devasted over some lies he told me and eventually he had to step down from his pastor position. Also, in Colorado I experienced a horrible falling of a pastor that I was under for 7 years. I may need to go back and address these and work through any unforgiveness and not project onto my boyfriend.

Also, (my current boyfriend) 5 years ago dated a 19yr old (10 yrs younger) and it was unhealthy for two years. He confessed all of it to me. He said he has changed and he does try to honor me in this relationship as I can tell. I want to honor him the best way I can and as you said all relationships have issues....Im asking the Lord to search my heart so I can clean house as well.....

I guess this leads me up to my final question on this and it may be a mute point. I may have already answered my question.....My boyfriend leads a Sunday school and at this moment there is one member - a 17 yr old girl (pastor's kid). I think it is a healthy interaction and he sort of mentors her. Is this appropriate or is this a role for a female? Im just thinking out loud having come from a large church that is stern about male/female ministry interactions...

I pray you have a blessed day and thankyou for providing a safe place for people to air their thoughts...God bless you...