my life...

[Boston]

I am new to deep waters. I just want to take some time to let you all know who I am and also to lay it out there maybe someone has experienced something similar and may be able to help me.

I was raised in the church with christian parents. When I was young ( before 3rd grade) I was being sexually abused by a female cousin. During that time my mom had a daycare and my little brother as well as one of the other young girls was being abused as well. The abuse was different. She perverted my innocence. She had me perform sexual acts on the other young girl and my brother...she had us kissing, touching one another and she had me engaged in oral sex. After so long of this happening I thought it was normal. I remember wanting someone to touch me. After a while I became the abuser of other children when no one was around. I did things to the little boy next door and continued to do things to my little brother. I am not quite sure when it all stopped...I belive I was in the 4th grade. I couldnt tell my parents about it. In my household communication wasnt there. There have been so much that happened with me that my family has no clue about. Its like living in a houseful of strangers. No one talks and no one really knows each other. Ive never seen my parents argue, or outwardly and freely display any other type of emotion whether happy or sad. So I have a hard time communicating and expressing how I feel with people. I remember once being upset and crying about something and I actually told my mom. I remember her response to me was what are you crying about thats nothing to get upset over. She said it as if whats the big deal. Whatever it was it was a really big deal to me and she trivilized my feelings so much that Ive never attempted to share my feelings with her again. I longed for that intimate and close relationship with someone so I found that in my first love Rock. We met when I was 11 and were involved with each other on and off until he was killed in 2004. He was my first everything....kiss, sex. We had sex when I was 12. At the time I was dating him I was an emotional wreck that I attempted suicide.  I cant quite remember what happened but I was in the 6th grade. I hated myself, my mom and life so much that I wanted to end it. On my was home from school I bought a bottle of Bayer asprin. I am allergic to asprin and know that it would send me into shock and kill me. So I went home and took 4 pills and nothing happened. I took 8 more and nothing happened. As I was sitting on my floor crying my thoughts were cloudy. I heard 2 voices...I dont remember what the first one said but I do remember the second one said "No, you cant have her. I am not through with her yet". When I heard it It sort of cared me and I looked around the room and no one was there and I was ok. I got up and flushed the rest of the pills and didnt even have a stomache ache. With all that had happened to me I was still craving love and Rock wasnt doing it. So I started having sex with more people. All during these experiences I was heavily involed in my church youth group. I tried to open up to a few of the female leaders but everytime I started building with someone they would leave. I attemptd it about 6 times then  I just gave up. Then comes high school. I really wanted to go away for college but I didnt because I didnt want to leave my church youth group and rock. Which is something I regret doing. During my senior year (age 17) my church youth group had to sing at an out of state youth rally. S they had us fasting and praying.. I was doing it. I was focused until I get a letter in the mail. It was from the teen clinic...they found abnormal cells during my pap exam. It said that it was HPV (genital warts) surrounding my cervix which could be cancerious and I had to have a procedure to test the cells. I was so scared. I thought I wasnt going to be able to have kids and my hair was going to fall out. So at the youth rally I went to the alter for healing. When I came back home and had my follwup appointment the HPV was gone. There was no sign of it. During that time I made a list of all the people I had sex with and realized it was about 40 (which is hard to admit because here I am 11 yrs later now I know that number is closer to 100). So ive gone through life...living in the dark without any true intamicy or friendships. In 2003 Rock and I were talking seriously about marriage. I was in college so I wanted to wait. He was ready to get married and move down south and start over. He was tired of living his life ( he was selling drugs and  had been in jail 2x's). On April 28th 2004 we had breakfast in the morning and he took me to work. I spoke to him later that night he was suppose to bring me some money to pay the car insurance. He told me he would be at my house in about 10 minutes he was at the top of my street. When we hung up something didnt sit right with me so I called him back and he didnt answer. Then my doorbell rings and its the police. They are questioning me about who was driving my car and that that individual was shot. Then took me to the crime scene and the shirt he had on was on the ground and my car was running with the door open. They held me for what felt like forever while he was diing. He was shot 3x's. That night my heart broke. My best friend was gone, the only person who really knew me was gone. His family put all the pressure of the funeral on me. I had to plan the whole thing. I was hurt bad but my family didnt understand because they had never met Rock. They never knew we were dating so when he died they couldnt understand why I was so upset. While I was planning his funeral other women started to appear. Saying that they were his girlfriend. One even showed up with a child claiming that it was his. This really hurt. He lied to me. I wondered if he ever really loved me or was serious about getting married. He was buried on May 5th 6 days before his 25th birthday. So I was hurt bad and again found comfort in the first man that would listen wihich happened to be Larry. Our relationship was short by august 17th  I was 7 weeks pregnant and having an abortion....our relationship ended immediately. So on top of the pain I am already in, I now have guilt. My child would have been 3yrs old this march. Mothers day is really hard for me. Even though my child isnt here I am still a mom. In 2005 I went with a friend Charles to visit his brother in jail. Charles hadnt seen him in 8years. When we were leaving his brother asked him if it was ok to talk to me. Charles told him it was ok. I ended up of course sleeping with his brother. Charles and I began to spend more time together and he revealed that he has been in love with me for a long time. I came clean and told him that i slept with his brother. It hurt him bad but he forgave me. He then told me that his brother was HIV positive. I went and got tested and was negative. But it destroyed his relationship with his brother. We still ended ip dating after all that. We discussed marriage and everything. This was the first time that  truely saw marriage & children in my future. He was a great man, saved and i have known him for over 6 years. He really helped me mature spiritually. He showed me that Christians arent perfect. He loved me unconditionally. We broke up because he doesnt trust me because of what happened with his brother. He had no clue that I was even talking to his brother let alone sleeping with him. I still am in love with him but a few weeks ago he told me he was interested in seeing someone else. That hurt me bad. I felt so rejected by him....he didnt want me. After I was revealing myself to him he didnt want me. What makes matters worst is that Charles and I started a business together! So i am with him everyday and it hurts. i am lonely now that he isnt around. I feel like at my age (28) I will never meet anyone as great as him....it has me doubting that I will ever get married or have children......So that me in a nutshell. I know i need help. Just writting this was theraputic. Any thoughts?

[Gracious]

Hello Boston,

And welcome to the forums!

Don't know if anyone's responded "privately" to you ... but please know that even though we've not responded openly to you ... you are in our prayers --Amen?

It is good to tell your story the WAY you've chosen to share it. And I thank GOD for your strength!!!  There are many who've not seen half of what you have ... and gave up!!!  But ... GOD has shown you HIS GRACE!

Not one of us would be here, were it not for the GRACE that HE has shown the Saved among us & the MERCY that HE (GOD) has shown the "lost" -among us!

For EVERYTHING that GOD has seen you through in your life, simply look to heaven & say HALLELUJAH!!!  Maybe not so much "thanking" HIM for the abuse you've experienced ... BUT ... being GRATEFUL that you are ALIVE and able to tell-it!!!  And you owe your endurance to GOD!!!  Without HIM ... sista' ... you would have been looong forgotten!!!

There is a reason that GOD has spared your life!  And I'm led that you know this!  You are blessed!!!  You are MORE than a conqueror ... YOU are an OVERCOMER!!!

Some of us look to others for our healing ... and that's OK!!!  But the ONLY thing that will give you peace is DELIVERANCE!!!  And ONLY GOD can give that! Only HIM!!! 

A person can be an alcoholic & or a drug addict - go through a twelve step program and become a functioning productive member of society.

( that's what I meant when I said that "Some of us look to others for our healing ... and that's OK!!!") ...

BUT ... for the rest of THAT person's life ... "they" MUST accept the yoke of oppression that the devil has cursed them with, because they must walk in a "recovering" role ... NEVER FREE!!! ...  ALWAYS ENSLAVED!!!

When you obey the WILL of GOD as a CHRISTIAN ... YOU humble yourself & PRAY - seek HIS FACE - TURN from evil (that which was done to you & THAT which you have done) ... THEN ... GOD will hear you from heaven - HE will forgive you - AND HE SHALL HEAL YOU ...HE WILL DELIVER YOU!!!   And when GOD DELIVER's you ... it will be as if the abuse / the PAIN ... NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU!!!   

After you've been DELIVERED ... SET FREE ... you will be able to tell your story without feeling as if you could cry & then die ... GOD WILL RESTORE YOUR INNOCENCE!!! ... You will be able to think about your past and NOT ... WISH that you were someone else or question GOD (why me?). And you won't HATE those who've abused you & allowed your abuse!  CHILE, YOU WILL BE FREE!!!   WHY???  BECAUSE GOD's GRACE WILL HAVE DELIVERED YOU ... AND "THAT" WILL BE YOUR TESTIMONY!!!

"DELIVERANCE" IS NOT UNDERSTOOD BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW JESUS!!!  I can hear in your words that you KNOW JESUS!!!  Sweetie, go to HIM ... RUN to HIM!!!

Boston ... please, please forgive me ... 'cause this is one time that I "truly" didn't mean to go on & on  ... and I don't want to insult ANYONE who has been led through a 12 step program ... but the GOD that we serve is so much MORE than whatever we can do for ourselves!!!   

Think about what I've shared & pray about it more ... Amen?


With "much" love from my heart,



Gracious

[Boston]

Thank you Gracious..

You are the only person who responded to me. It means a lot because I feel like no one is listening to me so your response was needed as well as those PRAYERS!!!

I am working on these issues. Starting in March, I am doing a prayer-centered 12-week intensive healing & training group for those seeking reconciliation in their relationships, gender, sexuality, and ethnicity...so definately keep me in your prayers....

[Gracious]

Boston my friend, you are most welcomed!   

Don't be discouraged by the lack of response you've gotten ... what you've shared is DEEEEEP & I'm convinced that there is healing in your story for ALL who will listen ... no matter their circumstance!

My prayer is that GOD will send an UnderShepherd to you that will help to guide you on your journey ... Amen?

Boston ... Come to us often ... we are always here & we are really good listeners   You'll be surprised how many the Lord will encourage to reach out to you!!!


And YES!!! The prayer wheel is-a-churnin' & a-turnin' here on your behalf


Gracious 

P.S.

Are planning to take a leadership role in the "12-week intensive healing & training group", <OR> are you going to participate as one who is in need of help?

[Boston]

Thanks again...

I do not plan on taking a leadership role in the healing & group training. I am going to get help. But I believe GOD has something else planned for me in this class. I have been told that I have the gift of Healing & Prophecy. I have also been called an Encourager of Nations. Just before new years I had a dream that I was pregnant. So I am about to birth something...

About 10years ago I had this dream...

There were a group of girls and they were all beat up. They looked as if they had been in an intense battle. I was standing in front of them and I had scars. As I began to tell my story to the girls there wounds began to heal and they got up and began to tend to my scars and they began to heal as well. 

So well see what GOD is going to do...

[Forum Administrator]

That is an awesome dream!

[Boston]

yes it is...


I had that dream over 10 years ago and I never forgot it.....