Am I a sex addict?

[Forum Administrator]

7 Marks of Sex Addiction
from "Addicted To Love" by Steve Arterburn

It is easy to confuse normal sexual desire and conduct with addictive compulsion and gratification.  A person can have a stronger-than-normal sexual appetite and not be an addict.  Here are some characteristics of addictive sex that help distinguish the two.

1. Addictive sex is done in isolation.  This does not always necessarily mean that it is done while physically alone.  Rather it means that mentally and emotionally the addict is detached, or isolated, from human relationship and contact.  The most intimately personal of human behaviors becomes utterly impersonal.

2. Addictive sex is secretive.  In effect, sex addicts develop a double life, practicing masturbation, going to porn shops and massage parlors, all the while hiding what they are doing from others - and, in a sense, even from themselves.

3. Addictive sex is devoid of intimacy.  Sex addicts are utterly self-focused.  They cannot achieve genuine intimacy because their self-obsession leaves no room for giving to others.

4. Addictive sex is devoid of relationship.  Addictive sex is "mere sex," sex for its own sake, sex divorced from authentic interaction of persons.  This is most clear with regard to fantasy, pornography, and masturbation.  But even with regard to sex involving a partner, the partner is not really a "person" but a cipher, an interchangeable part in an impersonal - almost mechanical - process.

5. Addictive sex is victimizing.  The overwhelming obsession with self-gratification blinds sex addicts to the harmful effects their behavior is having on others, and even on themselves.

6. Addictive sex ends in despair.  When married couples make love, they are more fulfilled for having had the experience.  Addictive sex leaves the participants feeling guilty, regretting the experience.  Rather than fulfilling them, it leaves them more empty.

7. Addictive sex is used to escape pain and/or problems.  The escapist nature of addictive sex is often one of the clearest indicators that it is present.
Do you see yourself in any of these? Post your questions or reply to this topic.

[Prisca]

Nope, don't see me!!  

[Novelist]

After reading about the addictions to sex and gratification, I can identify with at least one mark and that is number 6.  In the past, I had 2 encounters besides my first and I felt empty, guilty, ashamed, and I felt worse than before.  Although I have those feelings, the point was for enjoying the sex for the moment.  Honestly, I was not in love, but just the feel of sex was something on my mind and I did it.  

It was a feeling of desire, pleasure, and a craving running through my body.  I never had no desire of masturbation but I have watched pornography before. Until this day, I am still struggling with keeping myself because I know I was wrong, but it was enticing and it still is.  How can I avoid or prevent myself from entering those sexual encounters again?  

[Forum Administrator]

As you have experienced, the tradeoff for "the pleasures of sin for a season" is guilt, shame, and the death of your spirit. The desire for sex is a natural desire, but as with any other natural desire, you must master it and not allow it to master you (see 1 Corinthians 6:12-14).
 
The victory over temptation is won in the mind. Control the mind (thoughts) and you'll control the behavior (actions).
To-Do: Philippians 4:8 provides us with an entire "to-do" list for the mind. Think on things that meet the criteria listed there.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

Review: Be aware of your thoughts and do not allow thoughts to run out of control through your mind. Some thoughts are your own; others are planted there by the enemy of your soul. When thoughts come that would defile your spirit or weaken your mental strength, you have been given power to cast those thoughts aside.
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ - 2 Corinthians 10:5
 
Renew: It's not enough for you to just get rid of your old way of thinking. You must replace your old way of thinking with a new way of thinking. This is what is meant by "renewing your mind." Here is where your familiarity with the scriptures becomes critical. You must use the truth of the scriptures to combat the lies that will present themselves to your mind.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. - Ephesians 4:22-24

Your body will crave the natural desires, but you have the power to choose what you're going to feed it with. When you start drinking a lot of water, initially, you have to force it. But after a while, as it nourishes you, your body will crave it more and more. So it is with the word of God. Initially, you may have to force yourself to read them. But after a while, as it nourishes and strengths you, your spirit will crave it. Because the word of God is both life, light, and a sword, when you are tempted, the scriptures you have put into your heart/mind will come to life, show you how to escape the "darkness," and help you to fight those temptations.

Your mind is like a computer: it accepts data, processes, and then gives output. Therefore, you must be careful about what you allow to enter your mind. Be aware of, and guard against things can arouse sexual temptation in you. If it's a certain beat or lyrics in certain music, switch the station or play something else. If it's certain scenes in shows or movies, change the channel or watch a different kind of movie. If you're more susceptible to being aroused by male conversation at a certain time of day or night, call back at a different time. If pornographic sites are a temptation to you while on the computer, block those sites or use a Christian Internet Service Provider that will block those sites for you. If you feed your mind with spiritual things (or things that do not defile the spirit), your mind will be strengthened, and you will walk in victory.

Recommended Resource: Temptation also has a lot to do with what you desire. You cannot be tempted by what you have no desire for. My response to the post I'm Struggling With My Singleness in The Lighthouse [Singles' Issues] category speaks to that regard.

[Nath]

HI

I watch porn on TV or I masturbate alot. After doing this I feel real bad, I say to myself your stupid and then I ask Jesus to forgive me. I am very tired of doing this, I'm seriously tired of doing this, I FEEL BAD.
I am married, I can't tell my wife that I do this. What should I do?

[Jesaira]

Good morning, everyone!!

No, I honestly don't see myself.  

Thanks for the information.

[ethereal]

Nath,

You have to understand this one thing: YOU have the power to just say NO! You don't have to do what your body wants you to do. I struggled with keeping myself pure in regards to my girlfriend until we just got PLAIN OLE TIRED! Tired of feeling guilty, tired of feeling frustrated, tired of knowing that we'd fallen short. AGAIN!!!! We just made up our minds that we weren't going to step  into that arena again until we were married. My Pastor said this once, "a made up mind is your strongest weapon". You also have to take steps to remove the "vehicles" of temptation. If you're watching porn on cable, call the cable company NOW and have them remove the channel(s) from your plan. If you have tapes, dvd's, magazines, etc, take them to the trash (if you have a safe place, I'd suggest you burn them ) "Think about, what you're thinking about" What are you doing, where are you when you masturbate? That's where you have to do your best fighting. When impure thoughts come (and they will come) all you have to do is call on the name of Jesus. LITERALLY. When you find that your mind is wandering, begin to say the name of Jesus OUTLOUD. The Word says, "at the name of Jesus, every knee must bow and every tongue must confess..". At that name lust, unclean desires, unholy acts, all of these things, MUST bow! If you've given your life to Christ, you have been given the instruction on how, and the power to,  win over the flesh. Please accept this prayer: Father in Heaven, please see your child struggling with what it isn't right. With what is an act that grieves your heart. I pray in your Son Jesus' name that you would deliver a supernatural strength, that "no" would be the easiest thing to say. I touch and agree with Nath that this behavior will STOP. it must STOP. Lord, help Nath to know you more and more and more, that your Spirit would be able to guide Nath. Father, make all the rough places smooth, all the crooked places straight. Show your child the Light at the end of the tunnel. We thank in advance for Nath's victory of the flesh and for victory in every other area. Iin your son Jesus' mighty name, AMEN.