Struggling in my Marriage

[MrD]

I am really struggling in my marriage, seems like when I think I am doing something good it gets my wife angrier. She tells me that I don't listen to her. i will give you an example! We went to church yesterday, I went to the early service and she went the 10:22 am service, we had decided that we would go to the grocery store afterwards. Wel I was at the 10:22 service waiting for her, since I work at the CD ministry at 9:00 am service, So I waited for her to come into the 10:22 service in the auditorium upstairs, thinking she would come to it , when I found out later that she was at the service downstairs. Without knowing that I got out of service and went home thinking she was there, and when she wasn't I went to the grocery thinking she went there, I drove around the parking lot, and when she wasn't there I went back home, so i started to fix lunch, I pulled out a couple of steaks and got the george Forman out and proceeded to grill them, about 1:00 she came home with all the groceries in her hand, mad at me then when she saw the steaks being grilled she got that much more mad, because she said I knew she didn't like her food cold, or burnt, so she started screamming at me again. I am the the worst husband any woman could have.

[Forum Administrator]

Hi MrD. I'm going to give you some advice that I heard many years ago. He said, if you're sitting quietly and someone walks by and trips over your foot, apologize for your foot being in the way. What he meant was (and what I'm suggesting is) even when you do not feel or see that you are in any obvious fault, apologize anyway.

If you remember in my response to your previous post, I mentioned that when a person -- especially a woman -- is carrying resentment, even the little things will spark anger because in her mind whatever has happened is just "one more thing" that is added to her already long mental list. What that means is that you will have to go the extra mile to help her work past all these extra issues that are stemming from the root cause of her anger towards you. You are dealing with symptoms of a root of anger and bitterness that has been allowed to take root, grow and thrive in an environment of what to me was described as neglect and insensitivity.

You are dealing with an onion of a problem which means that even though it might make your eyes tear up, you'll need to hang in there and peel back the layers (with patience, gentleness, understanding, forgiveness and a soft answer when you're dealing with her wrath). In other words, now, more than ever, is the time for you to stand in your position as a godly husband and take the time to study and understand your wife and honor her. You have studied her enough to know that she is angry, but you have yet to understand her. This is the key to the breakthrough in your marriage. The Lord will help you to do this (i.e. understand your wife).

The situation you described could have been easily resolved any number of ways. You could have agreed to go to church together, or meet at a specific place at a specific time, or if you have cell phones you could have contacted one another to see where the other was. I do hope that when your wife came in with the groceries you ran over and took the bags from her. Or if there were other bags in her car, you went out and got them so that she wouldn't have to. And, you unpacked the groceries and put the things away so that she wouldn't have to.  These are simple but practical ways that you can relieve the burden from your wife and communicate volumes to her about your consideration not only for her feelings but her physical well-being.

Many people say communication is the key to a good marriage. I disagree. I believe the big 'C' in marriage is not communication but consideration... practice esteeming your wife better than yourself (Philippians 2:3). Without consideration, your communication will not be worth much. Hang in there. Just your willingness to post here in Deep Waters says to me that you want a change for the better in your marriage. You will need to work towards that end, but I know that you are up to the task because when you highly esteem and honor your marriage and your wife, you are about the Lord's business and He will help you and equip you to do His business.

I came back to add this info., when you have opportunity, I recommend that you visit the Deep Waters newsletter Deeper archives and read the following articles:

Trust Issues
Prioritizing Ministry
When A Husband Lies
Wound Care: Dealing With the Aftermath Of A Lie
Follow the Leader

How's that for homework? 

[1EagleSky]

Do you and your wife have cell phones? It would help ease lots of misunderstandings! Did you discuss the grocery/meeting up situation before either of you left for church? Like, for instance, 'If after service ends for me, and you come for the later service, and don't see me for 15-25 minutes, then I have gone to the store to get the groceries and headed home with them. After your service ends, come straight home.'

No matter how minute it seems, communicate with her, and she should communicate with you and not assume things. Also, did you apologize to each other?

[MrD]

Yes we did!