Marriage Problem

[MrD]

Hello I am a new member, so this is all unfamiliar to me, the problem I have right now is that my wife is completley fed up with me. we have been married for almost 27 years. And over that time, I have let her do all the renovation of our houses, pay all the bills, cook and clean. (Because I am totally not handy with my hands), well it has gotten to the point where if I ask her anything she will come back and say well you should know where it is. And when she goes to work, and she comes in and sees that nothing has been done, since she left she gets angry, but she does not give me any list to follow as far as jobs that she wants me to do. I am afraid that if I start doing something she may have not wanted me to dothat project because she says that I am constantly destroying everything that she starts, So if she is not talking to me I can't find out what she wants me to do, we have some terrible communication skills. What should I do, she is ready to walk out of our marriage.

[Gracious]

Hello Mista' D (MrD),

Welcome, Welcome & Welcome to the family

Please know that GOD holds ALL the answers to any question that you can have. And YOU will hear them (from the HOLY SPIRIT) as long as YOU ... are faithful & obedient to HIM ... GOD SHALL DELIVER!!!

There have been times (recently even) when I TRULY NEEDED a friend and Alethea - our Madame Forum Administrator (GOD bless you sweetie) allowed GOD to use her to minister to my heart/my spirit!!!

AND...Docta' David Dupree - if it wasn't for him allowing the LORD to work through him, imparting wisdom in to my spirit - who knows what blessings I would have ignorantly walked away from!!!

Bro. Mr.D, I'm just saying, that I pray that you will come to us often & grow healthily ... & gain the peace you seek ... by listening with a spiritual ear to the Forum Moderators, as well as the Most Wise posting friends who are invaluable to us all!! Amen?

Know that you are not alone - your in HIS (GOD's) Safety ... HERE with us!!!

Before I can proceed ... please allow me to have more clarity regarding what you've shared by asking you some things... Amen?

Ok let's go:

Firstly, you've shared:

"...we have been married for almost 27 years..."

AWESOME in it itself (especially in these days & times)]

Next you've shared:

"...And over that time, I have let her do all the renovation of our houses, pay all the bills, cook and clean. (Because I am totally not handy with my hands), well it has gotten to the point where if I ask her anything she will come back and say well you should know where it is..."

Question(s):
Are you meaning, that your wife physically did all house renovations and or contracted to have them done solely by herself?  What were you doing while she was doing this???

Question(s):
When??? ... as in what time(s) of the day is it "when" you choose to ask her the questions that you do???

(eg. When she walks through the door in the evening, just before she walks out of the door to start her day ... while she is doing something else - on the phone, watching the television etc.)

What exactly is your role in your marriage??? (you did say that your wife: "...renovation of our houses, pay all the bills, cook and clean..."

Next you shared:

"...And when she goes to work, and she comes in and sees that nothing has been done, since she left she gets angry, but she does not give me any list to follow as far as jobs that she wants me to do..."

Question(s):
Currently, does your employment allow that you work from home??? (Do you work from home???)

Next you shared:

"... I am afraid that if I start doing something she may have not wanted me to do that project because she says that I am constantly destroying everything that she starts, So if she is not talking to me I can't find out what she wants me to do, we have some terrible communication skills..."

Question:
Do you have any "steal-away" time??? Time that is set aside just for the two of you - no phones, no distractions - just romance, cuddling, silly & fun times??? Time that both you and your wife set aside to simply focus on stealing away from the blessed burdens of life???

Do you and your wife "worship" GOD "together". How strong is the Faith aspect of your relationship???

Perhaps by answering these questions "we" / YOU might see clearer - where "specifically" the "enemy" is attacking your marraige.

Much love to you my friend,


Gracious

[Forum Administrator]

Hello MrD and as Gracious said, welcome to Deep Waters! There is hope for your marriage. As Gracious has indicated, 27 years is a long time but you want to do everything you can to ensure that your years together are fruitful and productive and not filled with frustration. There are some things that I have observed about women, having been one myself for all of my adult life  . Please allow me to share some of my observations with you.

First, most women do not want to be in charge in the marriage: they want the man/husband to take his position of leadership in the family. That being said, however, when the man does not step up to what she sees as being his responsibilities, she will often step into that role herself. This is not a good thing. What tends to happen is she begins to feel resentful towards the husband for having to do what she believes he should do or have arranged to be done (if he's unable to do it himself). Secondly, she begins to lose respect for and confidence in him. This tends to cause conflicting feelings within her because her desire really is to respect him. Another observation I've made is that initially the wife will ask the husband to do those things that she wants or sees that need to be done. If after asking for some time and not getting results, she may take matters into her own hands (which sounds like it may be the case in your situation) causing her to become resentful. Once that resentment lingers and builds, bitterness sets in. At that point, even the slightest thing you do may offend/anger her because the original issues (which caused her to step into a leadership position in the first place) are still unresolved in her heart and mind. This may be the reason why your wife is no longer speaking to you. She may in fact just be tired of talking and feeling/believing that she is going to get the same results she's been getting.

From what you have said, your wife is/has been carrying a lot of responsibility that she should not be carrying ("all the renovation of our houses, pay all the bills, cook and clean"). What I would recommend you do first of all is to apologize to your wife for having her carry the weight of the responsibilities. You are to work together with your wife as a team and you are the team leader. If you are unable to complete renovations yourself, then take the initiative to get/hire someone else to do it. If you can't cook, take her out to dinner or get some good take-out.

You are communicating with each other: you're just not saying to each other what you want/need to hear/see. If she won't verbally communicate with you (at first), keep on communicating with her, not just with words  but with action. Stop asking her what she wants you to do. That will only add to her frustration. She should not have to give you a list. She wants you to take your role as the loving leader of your home. She doesn't want to have to tell you what to do. Instead take the initiative to look around and see what needs to be done, then step beyond your fear and do it (or see to it that it gets done and done well). Don't only apologize with your words -- she may not believe you at first. Apologize with your words and then follow through with action. Let her see you doing your apology. If the dishes need to be done and she's tired from a long day's work and has to cook, then at least do the dishes. If she comes home and gets angry because nothing has been done, do something before she gets home. Make an effort! Don't just sit back and say you're afraid that she's going to get angry. She's already angry so what do you have to lose by trying?

Love is doing what's in your wife's best interest and her doing what's in your best interest. It is not selfish. Having her bear the brunt of the responsibilties in your marriage is selfish. Start looking for ways to show her love. Start looking for ways to put her needs first. Put your love for her to work and ease the burden off her shoulders. She is bound to respond positively. It may take a "minute" for her to believe there's a turnaround, but turn it around you must or even if you have 27 more years together, they will more than likely not be joyful ones.

Valentine's Day is right around the corner which gives you a perfect opportunity to begin to make amends. Cards and candy are nice, but positive change is better. Don't allow your marriage to slip through your fingers because of fear, pride, selfishness or any other such nonsense. Do whatever it takes to restore and then preserve the integrity of your relationship with your wife. It's not too late.

[MrD]

Hello Mista' D (MrD),

Welcome, Welcome & Welcome to the family

Please know that GOD holds ALL the answers to any question that you can have. And YOU will hear them (from the HOLY SPIRIT) as long as YOU ... are faithful & obedient to HIM ... GOD SHALL DELIVER!!!

There have been times (recently even) when I TRULY NEEDED a friend and Alethea - our Madame Forum Administrator (GOD bless you sweetie) allowed GOD to use her to minister to my heart/my spirit!!!

AND...Docta' David Dupree - if it wasn't for him allowing the LORD to work through him, imparting wisdom in to my spirit - who knows what blessings I would have ignorantly walked away from!!!

Bro. Mr.D, I'm just saying, that I pray that you will come to us often & grow healthily ... & gain the peace you seek ... by listening with a spiritual ear to the Forum Moderators, as well as the Most Wise posting friends who are invaluable to us all!! Amen?

Know that you are not alone - your in HIS (GOD's) Safety ... HERE with us!!!

Before I can proceed ... please allow me to have more clarity regarding what you've shared by asking you some things... Amen?

Ok let's go:

Firstly, you've shared:

"...we have been married for almost 27 years..."

AWESOME in it itself (especially in these days & times)]

Next you've shared:

"...And over that time, I have let her do all the renovation of our houses, pay all the bills, cook and clean. (Because I am totally not handy with my hands), well it has gotten to the point where if I ask her anything she will come back and say well you should know where it is..."

Question(s):
Are you meaning, that your wife physically did all house renovations and or contracted to have them done solely by herself?  What were you doing while she was doing this???

Question(s):
When??? ... as in what time(s) of the day is it "when" you choose to ask her the questions that you do???

(eg. When she walks through the door in the evening, just before she walks out of the door to start her day ... while she is doing something else - on the phone, watching the television etc.)

What exactly is your role in your marriage??? (you did say that your wife: "...renovation of our houses, pay all the bills, cook and clean..."

Next you shared:

"...And when she goes to work, and she comes in and sees that nothing has been done, since she left she gets angry, but she does not give me any list to follow as far as jobs that she wants me to do..."

Question(s):
Currently, does your employment allow that you work from home??? (Do you work from home???)

Next you shared:

"... I am afraid that if I start doing something she may have not wanted me to do that project because she says that I am constantly destroying everything that she starts, So if she is not talking to me I can't find out what she wants me to do, we have some terrible communication skills..."

Question:
Do you have any "steal-away" time??? Time that is set aside just for the two of you - no phones, no distractions - just romance, cuddling, silly & fun times??? Time that both you and your wife set aside to simply focus on stealing away from the blessed burdens of life???

Do you and your wife "worship" GOD "together". How strong is the Faith aspect of your relationship???

Perhaps by answering these questions "we" / YOU might see clearer - where "specifically" the "enemy" is attacking your marraige.

Much love to you my friend,


Gracious

[MrD]

Don't get me wrong I have done things i do put the dishes in the dish washer, I fold the clothes, and put them away. I take the garbage out, Mow the yard, sweep the floors things like that. But when It comes to fixing up the house, painting and the like, i fail in that area. Because there again I am afraid tht if i try to do something it may not be done thwe right way. I really do appreciate your advice you hit dead on to my problem. I am amazed. Thanks!

[1EagleSky]

How much do you know about your wife's relationship with her parents, particularly her father? Was her father present in the home, or were her parents divorced, the father didn't own up responsibility for his child/children and didn't visit or financially support the mother and child/children?

What about past relationships before you two were married? Did she have very negative relationships with ex-boyfriends? In general, were her growing up years relatively happy, or was it filled with mistreatment and unhappiness? Do you know if there was a history of physical or sexual abuse in her background? Did she experience lots of rejection from parents, siblings, other relatives or friends and acquaintances or co-workers?

Also, the same questions above apply to you as well.

Do you both have full time jobs? Is the pay level equivalent, or does she make more than you/you make more than her?

I have a suggestion for you that sounds a bit radical, but it may help.  Whenever you get a span of time when you can get away for a few days, do so. Let her know way ahead of time that you will be going out of town for a few days but here's what you do before you go. Do this after she's already left for work, OK? Here's the plan:

Before going anywhere, clean up the house. Don't worry about what she may say or think. Clean the house. Wash the clothes or any dishes that may be around. Take all the garbage out. Go to the florist or floral section of your local grocery store and purchase some nice flowers. Put them on the coffee table, so that when she comes in, she will see them. Buy the nicest greeting card you can find (don't get a cheapo card), that expresses your love and appreciation for her as a wife. Put some money in the card as well---at least $50-100. Put a single red rose on the bed and write a note, saying something like, 'To a beautiful and fantasic wife. I love you. I have a surprise for you!' Make sure the bed is made up before you do this

Next, around 11:30 am or noon, call her at her job. Say to her, "Honey, how are you doing? I was calling to hear your voice and let you know how much I love you." That's all you have to say. Let her speak after that, and don't interrupt.

If you know what kinds of foods she really likes, either get take out and put it in the refrigerator for her, or cook the meal yourself. Set the table up nicely, so that when she gets home from work, all she will have to do is warm the food up and dig in.

Now you should be packed and long gone way before she gets in from work.

After a few days of being without you, perhaps she will be more open to working on your issues together. Maybe she will see that all the blame isn't totally on you, that she has some areas of improvement to work on as well.

On your mini-vacation, spend time with the Lord to show you ways you can improve your marriage, as well as showing you where you may need to change. Also, make sure you do something fun during your mini-vacation! Attend a ball game, go to an amusement park, or whatever it is that you enjoy, so that you will be spiritually, physically, and emotionally refreshed when you return.

I hope this helps! Take care!

[David Dupree]

Mr. D,

Please please do not disappear out of town with out first telling your wife and getting her approval...not her permission.  When we fast it must be with the permission of the other if there is to be a season of physical separation.  Therefore, if your wife isn't consenting to the trip which in effect will be a few days that you are fasting from her, then don't do it.   


dd

[1EagleSky]

Mr. D and David Dupree,

Obviously, I'm not married, but I didn't mean the suggestion for a few days' separation to fast and pray in a mean spirited way. Also, I hadn't thought about the approval vs. permission from your wife issue. Very good point. Thanks!