In Serious PAIN, HELP!!!

[try1God]

I am in serious pain..  I just found out that my husband of 7 years had an affair 4 years ago and a child was born out of that sin.


I had been get feelings off and on for about two years that something just wasn't right. I was feeling that my husband was cheating.  My husband has always been quite and keep to him self about allot of things.  Two years ago the feeling that I felt were so strong that I took a days off from work to look for some thing that would give me evidence to what I had been feeling.  I prayed to God Why am I feeling like this.  God why do I feel so insecure.  After the second day I found a hotel key card and a photo. Of corce I confronted him about it. So he made up a lie and left the house when he got back I ask him for his phone. He would not give it to me.  I knew then that he told a lie. 

At that point I told him that if he wanted to be with me and our child that he needed to stop what ever he was doing and stop it NOW.  After that we went on about. I still had my doubts and fears that he was cheating.  HE was never the type to stay out all night. He is active in the church. He showed me love.  We laughed we talked.  He never shows the typical signs of a cheating husband. But we always had a problem with Money But I thought Who DON'T

We pulled our Credit reports and I saw on there that he owe child support.  I was sick.  But I thought that maybe this was incorrect. So questioned him about it. And He lied.  Two day ago I had decide to dig deeper into. I found out the mothers name and call her. I was very tactful and was not wild. But what she told me made me so sick that I got dizzy.  She also told me that she did not know until two years ago that he was married.  She also said that they no longer have a relationship and that she has not seen him since earlier this year. 

My husband says that he knows that He messed up bad but he doesn't want to leave me or our child.  I know that God Says to Forgive but How do you Forgive when your hurting so bad!!!

[Gracious]

First my sista,

Welcome!!! Welcome!!! Welcome!!!

I'm very saddened for you because of what you've had to endure.

And my prayer is that you not take "his" indescetions on - as your own!!! Yes, even though an innocent child became the fruit of "his" indescretion, which adds on both a Financial and moral responsibilities for your houshold which does include your husband (again, as this will affect your relationship with him and your own children), your husbands indescretions are NOT yours.

Meaning, your husband will have to answer to GOD for his adulterous acts. YOU will have to answer to GOD regarding the righteousness of your actions ... Amen?

Personally my dear sister, I believe in "The Process". In the book of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 GOD's WORD speaks:

Ecclesiastes 3 (KJV)
(A Time for Everything)

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

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Such is the "Life" Process ... Amen?

Hatred is a debilitating killer because not only do you surrender your divine spiritual POWER to the object of your hate - you surrender your health to this hate as well!!! NOONE is worth your Salvation ... no not even your husband!!!

However, GOD never said that you couldn't get MAD / ANGRY ... Halleluhah!!! Oh yes, GOD speaks that in our "Life Process" we do have the right to be angry - we just are not allowed to stay there (FORGIVENESS is apart of the process too). Our anger can only be for a season - never said how looong that season had to be ... or how many knots to clock on his stupid - watermelon - head (LOL ... just kidding ... no need to go to jail too ... fo' da' man ... Amen?)

Seriously,

Spiritual holes due to life circumstances are placed before us ... to "grow us" to "challenge us" towards a deeper relationship in HIM!!! Yep, Sweetie I know, doesn't that sound sugary ... but it is sooo true.

Some questions for you:

• Do you have a church-home, do you trust the walk of your Pastor & his/her help-meet???

• Counseling for you & him   Most times the guilty party will try to back-out!!!
  
  ( huh, let 'em!!! & pray for them ... surely by now you should have realized that YOU don't hold the burden of contolling grown people ... if you did, brotha'man would not have gone astray ... Amen? Again, THAT is on him ... YOU need to get help - spiritual help for YOU, so that YOU can cope with him & the rest of your life through a new set of "trust lenses")

• What would you say to some "me-me-me-time" Think about it, as in what this me time would be, and how you can fit this "you" time into your schedule - doesn't have to be cost prohibitive ... Amen?

************

Lastly, we women have been equipped with spiritual sensors, these sensors were placed within us - for our own protection. When your spirit tells you something (now notice, I didn't say our egos or insecurities, I spoke of our spiritual sensors) know that this is how we earthen vessels receive from heaven - GOD cannot lie or distort any message HE sends us ... trust and know that if "it" (GOD's messages of Discernments) comes to you ... "it" is to be received for YOUR protection. Never be afraid of the message - TRUST GOD more, and know that HE will NEVER put upon you, more than you can bear!!!

May GOD bless you & continue to keep you my freind, and I will PM you a prayers of encouragement from time to time.

Please let us know how your doing Sweetie.


Gracious [/color]

[David Dupree]

Hello try1God! 

Wow!!  Geez!!  What a situation! What a dilemma! 

    Far be it for me to be able to tell you what to do.  I can tell you this though:  I have a cousin who had a child out of wedlock.  I don't know how his wife found out--whether he told her or whether he was busted through child-support or what have you.  I do know this, he was committed to his wife and their three kids.  And his wife was committed to him as well.  Therefore they were able, somehow, to work through it all.  Was he saved?  Naw!!  She? not sure..she did start going to church more regularly after all this. 

I do believe though that her forgiveness was a catalyst for him to be able to forgive his father for a lot of things that  he had never resolved and make peace with his father before his father passed away.  And now he regularly attends church. 

Forgiveness is a powerful emotion/weapon/tool.  If/when you use it, do not use it to have a "one-up" on him.  Do not use it as a weapon. 

From your post, it doesn't sound like you are through with the relationship.  But I do urge you to follow all the great advice given by Gracious. 

Try not to see this as an opportunity to "woe is me" and depress yourself.  But ask God what can you learn.  Maybe you and your husband can reach other heights of love that you haven't reached before.

It has been said that Time heals all wounds.  Don't forget though that also Time can wound all heels.  So take your time, and don't use that as a method of punishment.  Use it for you.  Not for him/against him.  Yes he has been a heel.  Yes you have more than you bargained for.  Yes now you will have monthly reminders of his indiscretion or however often child support will come out of his check.   Yes, you may even be asked to allow the child to visit summers etc.  Yes, you may even get into a scenario where the child may wish to come live with you. :-)  But you can still be an overcomer!!! And do it with grace.


Just remember that as a Kingdom kid, you first and foremost represent Jesus on earth.  That child may not get the presentation of the gospel elsewhere that you give as a sermon in your shoes.

Maybe from this your husband will develop the lifestyle that should accompany his churchlife.  You just let your light so shine! 

Maybe due to the financial dilemmas you may not get to have certain things, go certain places, etc. for a while.  But your sacrifices will be noted by God and not overlooked by your husband if he has God in him at all. 

You didn't know rain was coming, but you can still put up an umbrella. Put on that umbrella of worship to go along with your garment of praise!  So what you get a little wet.  The old folks sang a song that said, "Stay in the storm and it won't be long, you will anchor by and by."   

I will be praying for you as you endure this life-changing situation.

ddupree

[try1God]

Thank you both for your words and I am going to use them.  I am still healing and I know that it will take only God and time to help me heal.  At this point I'm looking toward forgiveness because I really don't want to lose him and the time that we have together. Also my main thoughts are on our children that we have together.  I would never want to deprive them of there father.  Yes we do have a church home and I trust my Bishop.  Our next step is to see him for counseling and guidance.   No, I don't want it to be over but MY Mind (and flesh) keeps telling that you are crazy for staying with this MAN. One thing that I can say is that I'm done crying I'm not going to cry about it any more it not worth my tears.   But I still get angry I feel like I might be angry forever.  Just when I feel like I'm letting my guard down I get angry again and remember what He did to me am our family.   I feel like we should be starting over from scratch...

[Gracious]

You know my Sista' ...

I can't help but admire your strength!!! And I truly mean that!!!

I mean, the fact that you have & have had the presence of mind to listen/allow GOD to lead you here (to us), with such "truthful" transparancy. For me, this shows that you ARE - ARE - ARE learning how to keep GOD FIRST in your life by listening to your "spiritual sensors" (the HOLY GHOST)  ...THANK YOU LORD!!!

Yes my friend ... YOU ARE BLESSED!!! Even though you may feel "lost & out of control" at times ... KNOW THAT YOU ARE BLESSED & YOU ARE STRONG!!!

Yes ... GET ANGRY  - for this is your bruised spirit, allowing it's SOURCE (our FATHER in heaven) to heal you. Though you may try, I'm led to caution you against beating yourself-up by saying things like ... I'm not supposed to be angry ALL the time ... I'm supposed to forgive him!!!

(Now regarding what I'd just mentioned - I'm speaking about today, tomorrow, next week & a month-a-Sunday's ... Amen?) 

YES ... those things ARE true (in their SEASON... Amen?) ... YES, you are supposed to forgive him ... BUT ... this can ONLY happen (true forgiveness, that harbors no ill-will) ... when YOU (through GOD's grace) are READY ... and not ONE moment before then!!!

(remember "The Process" & know that GOD ... has this situation ... Amen?)

Who knows how long "The Process" will take - That's between YOU & your COMFORTER (the HOLY GHOST) ...  For with FAITH, you can & WILL be LOOSED of burdens, BUT you will NEVER lose in your race for the victory!!!

...Because the DEEPER your relationship with the FATHER / the more you TRUST HIM ... the sooner you'll overcome - you'll WIN!!!

Next, this "me-me-me" time, I'd suggested to you ... this is your "breathing-time" - your escape time ... which will help to quell the bitterness that you feel, so that you "won't" be angry 24/7 ... Amen?

I do see that even through your pain, that you have a true heart for GOD ... sooo FORGIVENESS (as long as you strive to maintane a walk of Holy-Spirit-filled obedience) will come!!!

Yes, I'm with you my sista' ...though I do FIRMLY believe in the sanctity of marriage (as our Holy Bible illustrates), I too believe as you (and perhaps this is my carnal common sense), why through away, turn your back, walk away from the "history" that both you AND your children have made with your husband!!! If you feel that there is a chance to HELP to save your marraige ... GIRL - GO - FO' - BROKE!!!

Yes, I've been praying that you would seek counseling TOGETHER with your husband (if he will come) - with your Pastor ... AND ... his wife!!! 

Again, please try not to be too discouraged should your husband be resistent to this form of spiritual healing ... you see, your husband's issues (believe it or not) do not begin, nor do they end with your relationship (your marriage). He has what ALL men have ... YUP' ... "that MAN BAG" ... full-a -STUFF ... traumatic events, failures, brokeness etc.

True enough, "not ALL men cheat" (regardless of what's in their MAN BAG  )!!! And, it is also NOT up to you to play psychiatrist for him ... Amen? Heck, you got yo' OWN BAG a stuff to deal with right about now ... Amen? And so far as I can see ... YOU are doin' it whaal!!! 

Encourage yourself (you ARE fearfully & wonderfully made ... with the divine STRENGTH & spiritual obedience of Esther)!!!


You CAN do this - YOU shall WIN - You SHALL overcome ... even this!!!


Gracious