My husband has other ladies

[Girl Talk]

I know my husband has other ladies. What do I do about this? We have been married 18 years.

[Forum Administrator]

Infidelity is not a root issue in a marriage; it is always a symptom of a deeper issue. However, regardless of the issues, the choice to be unfaithful is one that the offender needs to bear the responsibility of. That being said, you are not responsible for your husband's acts of infidelity. It is not your fault. He is responsible for the decisions and choices he has made. But, in order to recover and move on from this destructive behavior, both you and your husband must be willing to confront--with the support of Christian counselors and others who are invested in the success of your marriage--the underlying issues in your lives and marriage that are resulting in 1) his infidelity; and 2) you're putting up with it.  

Start from a position of strength. There is a saying, hurt people hurt people. With your situation, that saying goes for both you and your husband. You have undoubtedly been wounded by your husband's infidelity. At the same time, it is important to realize that there is something beneath the surface that is causing your husband to do what he's doing. You will need help to peel back the layers to see what is at the core of the problem. But before you attempt to assist your husband in peeling back his layers, you must first start with your own issues, and deal with your own hurt.

When you get on an airplane, the flight attendant usually advises the passengers that in the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will be made available. They always further instruct that you must attend to yourself before attempting to assist someone else. How can you help someone else breathe and live, if you are unable to breathe? First see to your own well-being. Focus on your own healing and recovery. Hopefully, with the proper intervention, your husband will also be willing to work towards healing and recovery. But if not, still keep your own healing and recovery at the top of your priority list. Start by making an appointment to be examined by a doctor for any sexually transmitted diseases, and be prepared to (and require the use of) a condom for any future sexual encounters with your husband until this is all sorted out.

Here are some additional steps you can take in dealing with this situation:
Refuse to participate in the destruction of your person and your marriage.  Make sure that you are not doing anything that enables (not causes) your husband to continue with his infidelity. Your husband needs to take full ownership of his actions, and he can only do that if you refuse to take any ownership in his actions. Start by:

[1]Communicating to your husband how his infidelity makes you feel. Your goal is not to try to make him feel guilty, convicted, ashamed or hurt; your goal is to communicate your feelings. Try to phrase your comments in a way that communicates what you need to communicate. It is important for your husband to at least know how his behavior is affecting you and your marriage from your perspective.

[2]Requesting change. You cannot control your husband's behavior, neither can you change him, but you have the right to require your husband to change. Be clear and specific about your request so there is little or no room for misunderstanding. E.g. "I would like for you to stop having inappropriate relationships with other women." Then make sure that your husband understands exactly what you mean by, "inappropriate relationships." Spell it out.

[3]Setting realistic and appropriate consequences. A lot of times people continue in the same destructive behavior because there is no consequence for their actions. You must set appropriate consequences--a prepared reaction--for your husband's behavior. Make sure the consequence you establish is something you can and will do. Do not threaten your husband. Simply and clearly communicate to him what you will or will not do if his infidelity continues. This will require some prayerful thought. If you have friends who you trust and who you know are committed to the success of your marriage, you can get feedback from them (or us here at Deep Waters). The goal of establishing consequences is not to try to control or change your husband, or to get even. Women often try to protect their loved ones from painful consequences, but resist this urge. Step aside and allow your husband to experience the effects of his irresponsibility.
 
[4]Holding on to your rights and honoring your responsibilities. God has given you rights and responsibilities as a wife. You have the right to be honored, nourished, cherished, loved, protected, provided for, and understood. God has also given you the responsibility to respect, love, and help your husband. Infidelity robs you of your rights as a wife and makes a burden of your responsibilities. Remember, it is God who has given you both rights and responsibilities. When it gets difficult, as infidelity will often make it, to honor your responsibilities, shift your focus. Look past your husband, and look up to the God who has given you these rights and responsibilities. Ask Him to help you to honor them. When you can't respect the person (your husband), respect the position: as your husband, he is still your God ordained head. Love the way God expects you to love, by doing what is in the best interest of your husband. Allowing him to continue with destructive behavior is not in his best interest (and yours either). Remember that help is not always hands on; sometimes it is hands off.

Allow time for adjustment. My guess is that your setting limits will come as quite a surprise to your husband. You've been married for eighteen years, and you did not get where you are overnight. Allow room and time for change to take place. If, over time, there is no change, remind your husband of the limits you've set, then follow through with your prepared reaction.

A word about divorce. While God allows for divorce because of infidelity, He does not command it. Divorce does not fix a marriage, it ends it. You have invested eighteen years, and I can only assume that since you are still with your husband, you want the marriage to work. Divorce should be an absolute last resort, and even then, a decision to divorce should be made prayerfully, with godly counsel, and with much deliberation. Do not focus on the ending of your marriage; focus on your healing, recovery and growth, and the steps above. Undoubtedly, this will not be an easy process for you, but know that God is for you and for the success of marriage, and so are we.
Some of these principles are discussed in the book Boundaries in Marriage available on the marriage resource page of our website (http://www.deepwaters.info/resources-marriage.htm).

[ke_mos2]

I can understand what you are feeling and thinking, but all I can say is pray and believe.  That has been the hardest part for me since I found out about the other woman.