He's staying out for the weekend

[Girl Talk]

Me and my husband are saved. He stops going to church. He starts staying out for the weekend and when I try to find out what's going on he doesn't communicate. And we have sex maybe 2x a month and it's getting worse. This has been going on for a while.

[Forum Administrator]

Me and my husband are saved. He stops going to church. He starts staying out for the weekend and when I try to find out what's going on he doesn't communicate. And we have sex maybe 2x a month and it's getting worse. This has been going on for a while.

There is hope for your marriage. Because you are both saved, you have a tremendous advantage because you have the assistance of the Holy Spirit to come alongside you and help you. Not only do you have internal help, external help is available through pastoral or other Christian counseling. Make full use of the help you have available to you.

The downward spiral you have described is not uncommon. Usually, when a Christian's heart is divided, church attendance is among the first to go. Your husband's not going to church could actually be viewed as a signal of hope because it demonstrates that he probably has some level of conviction or at least awareness of wrongdoing. His not going to church might be an outward manifestation of the inner conflict between his behavior and attending church/being a Christian.

Your husband may not be telling you what's going on with his words, but his actions are speaking loudly. Women--well most women--will instinctively protect those they love. We will love until it hurts. Now is a good time for you to love until it hurts, but not in the way you might think. I do not mean that you must demonstrate your love for him by putting up with his behavior. On the contrary, I mean you must love him enough to do what is necessary to bring about change and healing. Doing what is necessary is sometimes unpleasant. You must clean a wound before dressing it, or risk even greater infection. Cleaning a wound can be painful, but it promotes healing. Be willing to do what promotes healing.

Love in God's vocabulary, means to do what is in the best interest of another. That being said, you need to:

Love your husband. Love him enough to let him feel the consequences of his behavior. That is in his best interest. You do not, and should not, have to accept this kind of behavior. I'm not talking about divorce; I'm talking about you having the power to set limits to what you will or will not accept as a godly wife. God has given you rights and responsibilities as a Christian wife, and He will back you up in honoring them and requiring that they be honored. (Please see my response to My husband has other ladies in this same category.)

Love your marriage. Love your marriage enough to speak the truth. If your husband won't communicate, you still have the power to communicate the truth to him. Let him know how his behavior makes you feel. Communicate your heart to him. You may think that he already knows how you feel; that he should already "get it." But, the fact of the matter is, most of the time, men don't just "get it" when it comes to how we feel. You have to spell it out. Speak for yourself, and by that I mean, speak only of how you feel. Don't presume to know or speak about anything other than what you've seen and what you feel about what you've seen. Your goal should not be to try to change your husband's behavior--only he can do that. Neither should your goal be to try to humble or convict your husband--that's God's job. Take the time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Be prayerful and choose your moment wisely. If he is unwilling to listen, write a letter. If he refuses your attempts to communicate with him, communicate with someone else (such as a Christian counselor) who can assist and support you.

Love yourself. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself to the best of your ability, body, soul and spirit.

[*]Your body is the Lord's temple. Take care of it and protect it. Don't allow anything in it, or allow anyone to do anything to it, that is destructive. Since you do not know where your husband is going when he stays out for the weekend, who he's with or what he's doing, take the proper precautions. Get tested for any STDs and protect yourself. The stress of this situation will take advantage of your body if you're not careful. Eat well and try to get some rest and exercise. Go for walks and use that time to clear your thoughts and pray.
[*]Take care of your soul. Surround yourself with people who love you and who can be supportive of you during this time. Do not surround yourself with people who will only take your side. Surround yourself with people who care about both of you, who will encourage you, and who are invested in the success of your marriage.
[*]Take care of your spirit. It might be embarassing for you to continue to go to church when your husband is not going wit you, but go anyway. Build yourself up in your spirit. Continue to read the word of God. In it you will find strength and direction. Talk to God freely and often about everything you're feeling or thinking about this ordeal. When we are brokenhearted, God draws nearer to us (Psalm 34:18). Call on Him while He is near (Isaiah 55:6). [/list]You are undoubtedly suffering in this, and in taking a stand, you may still suffer, but take a stand you must. If you must suffer, suffer for doing what is right, and do not suffer in silence. Commit yourself to your Faithful Creator, and continue to do good (1 Peter 4:19). We are praying for you and for the success of your marriage.