On the Rocks!

[Novelist]

Life can be shaky sometimes and it will cause some bumps that we are not ready to handle.  Currently, my friendship is going through a test and I want to know is it worth it because we keep going through this test.  Honestly, it is partly or mostly my fault because I feel angry toward my "bestfriend".  This is a long story, but I will make it short as possible.  She has a friend who likes me, I like him, basically we wanted to meet each other, but never had a chance to meet due to special circumstances or ridiculous excuses he made and now I am disappointed because I felt like he lied and she lied to me about the whole situation of us being together.  For one, I was an idiot to fall for this guy and get captured in the thoughts of being with him.  For a moment, I felt like this was ordained by God because she told me that someone had prophesied to him about me, but I did not believe that anyway.  Now, everything is the same as the past few years, going through circles and back and forth.  How could my friend give me all of this information, then I take it to heart and she knew that I was taking this to heart, now I am broken because I cannot trust her or anyone again because of that.

When I first starting asking about him, he would ask about me and this was all through my friend.  She had all the answers from both of us.  She was a mediator.  Although I did not want things to be that way, it happened this way every time.  There were several occasions I was told that he tried to call me, come to my church, but missed me and I understand because I left right after service, he came to my house when I did not have a phone and lived in an apartment where you could not hear from the back, I mean there was so much involved with this, but I will stop there.  My issue with my "bestfriend" is that she continued to give me hope and tell me things that I was crazy enough to believe.  Surely, we are on the rocks.  She act as if she does not want us to meet and be together when she has the boyfriend already.  What is wrong with me being happy?  She may not express that, but she has mainly been the one with the long term relationship.  As far as I am concerned, I am not sure what to do or say anymore.  This is too much for me.

Everything was a lie.  I made a fool of myself and I regreat allowing my feelings to get so close.  This is based on everything is supposedly told her and wanted me to know that he still had feelings for me and was excited to meet me.  This is crazy! I know it is and I need to move on.  I know this does not make sense, but it is based on liking someone based on impressions and feelings without even getting to know him for myself.  It is beyond stupidity because I found myself hurt over someone I never met, but in my heart, I had a connection with him because I allowed myself to go there.  As far as my friendship, she should have stopped delivering the news to me about him and without thinking, I would be silly enough to be happy to hear about it.  All of this is preposterous! I have so much growing up to do that I need to go back to seasame street or somewhere and educated myself again!  I was counting on love that never existed and that is what insanity will do to you.  Love is on the rocks, nothing is steady.  For sure, I thought this was the moment I have been waiting for all of my life, but each time I was disappointed.

Emotionally, mentally, I have poured myself in this and now I am dry.  I will admit, it is my fault.  The next time I will know.