Telling the truth in love

[gracegirl]

Hey everyone,
As a saint, one of my spiritual gives is Exhortation and being of service to those in need. Well, a friend, or I should say colleague I've known for a while, asked me for my services in make-up. We set the time etc. and everything is set. She calls the day of before the agreed time to ask how close am I. I say I'm on my way. I get to the location, on time,  and she decides she doesn't need my services and decides to do make-up herself. I was HOT!! But didn't show it, to stay professional.  I was gonna let it slide until and here's the kicker, She gives me 8 bucks for gas and calls me later to say "thanks for coming down, I really wanted you there for moral support but I guess that's not your thing" Now I was really HOT!    No I didn't cuss her out, but I wanted to cause I felt like she took advantage of me and I've always sensed a lack of integrity from her since I've known her and she's a believer but I personally think she's bound in religious tradition. I emailed her and basically told her I didn't appreciate her lack of integrity and her being unprofessional among other things. She emails me back to say she didn't know I was so easily offended and my note sounded bitter. Just twisted everything and completely missed the point. It seems like these days you can't be nice to people without them trying to play you! I'm at the point where I'm just gonna tell it like it is and if you get your feelings hurt...oh well!!   I stopped communicating with her, so how do you tell the truth in love and still be firm?

[Forum Administrator]

Hello gracegirl. Before you can be truthful with anyone else, you have to be truthful with yourself (Matthew 7:1-6). If you are gifted to serve/help, give yourself to serving (Romans 12:7). Let what you do be sincere and without hypocrisy (Romans 12:9). God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7) so whatever you do, do it heartily as something done for the Lord and not for men (Colossians 3:23). If your motive in doing what you do is not to please God and because of your love for Him and for His people, don't do it. It takes honesty to say 'no.'

Speaking the truth in love does not mean using syrupy sweet words and soft tones. It means to lovingly express truth in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly (Ephesians 4:15). It means that you say what is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor) to those who hear it (Ephesians 4:29). When you do not do this, it offends the Holy Spirit of God who is in you (Ephesians 4:30).

You can be angry, but don't sin; don't ever let your exasperation, your fury or indignation last until the sun goes down. If you let anger linger (even anger that is provoked for the right reasons), you give opportunity to the devil (Ephesians 4:26-27). You don't have to cuss anybody out , and to speak the truth is not unprofessional. Everything that you do should be governed by your relationship with Christ: business, personal relations, and everything else.

If in going to help this lady you did so because you wanted to with the right motives, you have lost nothing because of what she did or did not do. (As a matter of fact, you gained $8.  ) You could still have gone your way rejoicing. It's like saying 'hello' to someone and then getting upset when they don't say 'hello' back to you. You should say 'hello' because it's what you want to do, to greet someone and be a blessing and a light in someone's day, not for what you expect to get back from them in return. It is God who rewards you for what you do for Him and as a representative of His (Colossians 3:23-25).

So there were two principles in play here: 1) your motive and spirit in doing what you did (which would affect your response to what happened); and 2) your response to what happened. It's never about the other person; it's always about you. If she's bound in religious tradition and lacks integrity, how have you helped her by how you responded? Why did you go in the first place? Have you exercised your gift of encouragement and helps/service? As I said, it's really all about you and your response to the Word of God. Be honest with yourself and then you will be honest with others.

[Sandra Mizell Chaney]

Dear gracegirl.

I Peter 1:22 state: "Having purified your souls by your obedience to the
truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure
heart.  First things first, ask yourself was my heart pure in this?  You
started out be describing your gifts and talents and how you wanted to be of
service.  However when you got there you found out that she did not need
your services.  You were upset because you felt she handled it wrong and she
was just using.  Even if that is the case, if your heart and motives were
pure there was no need to be HOT.  You knew this is how she conducts herself
because your comment was: "I've always sensed a lack of integrity from her
since I've known her."  You set yourself up for this. On some level you are
angry with self, because you knew the type of person you were dealing with
and you ignored it.

You sent her an email letting her know how you felt.  Was this after you had
time to deal with your anger or while you were angry?  Her email to you
stated: it sound a little bitter. It's possible that it  you could have been
a little bitter if you were angry while you were writing the email to her?

In order to deal with someone who has wronged us, our heart must first be
pure.  Ask God to search out your anger and bitterness and remove it so you
can speak the truth in love.  Also pray and seek God on the best time to
speak to the person who has offended you.  When God has ordered your steps
in the situation, you can do it in love and the person may be in a position
to receive it.  Love covers a multitude of sins.  Also recognize that they
still may not receive what you are saying, however they can respect you for
saying it , because it was said in love. You cannot change someone else's
behavior, however you can control how you receive it.

Laslty, you stated:  I'm at the point where I'm just gonna tell it like it
is and if you get your feelings hurt...oh well!!   Remember we reap what we
sow. Love begets love.   Ephesians 5:1-2 tells us to be imitators of God and
walk in love as Christ love us...... How many times have we offended God,
yet he still loves us and corrects in love. Don't let your anger towards
what she has done block your blessings. You stated one of your gits is being
of service to those in need. Continue to be God's servant by servicing those
in need.  As you are serving do it with a pure heart.

Blessings
Minister Sandra

[gracegirl]

Thank you ladies! There's a lot more to the story that would've been long and drawn out  to get into. But first and foremost don't get me wrong I didn't respond to her in a mean way, like I said I was very professional and blew it off when I left the location. It was the phone call and the comment she made that set me off because it was arrogant and insulting! When you make a drive to perform a service for someone and they dupe you, you'd be upset too.  My heart and motive was totally pure in this cause I love doing it and I was looking forward to doing her make-up .  "You knew this is how she conducts herself because your comment was: "I've always sensed a lack of integrity from her
since I've known her." You set yourself up for this. On some level you are angry with self, because you knew the type of person you were dealing with and you ignored it."
I've never worked with her in this capacity, we've always been social collegues and little things she would say gave me that sense, but I've known her to be "professional"which is why I was annoyed and surprised by her actions.  Her true colors came out which is why I said that about her integrity. Basically it was like a light bulb came on!  That's when I emailed  her to let her know how I felt about her comment. And it escalated from there because I called her on it.  I guess she didn't expect that, cause most people don't like to be called out when they did something wrong. True, the lord is showing me  myself on anger/bitterness issues. He's shown me the root of the problem and maybe this little incident was a test to see if I've grown, which I think I have to some extent cause the OLD me would've really cussed her out! But now my desire is to try to be right before the lord which is why I wanted advice on this matter and it has ministered to me. Thank you!

All God's Best