Am I a Joke to Him or What?

[Novelist]

Men, I need you to advise me on some things in this forum because I am lost and need clarity.  Firstly, I am going to be brutally honest about this guy and why I have dealt with him to begin with.  Now, here it goes.  I met him a few months ago because he was a friend of my neighbors.  After seeing him some of the time, we chatted and made eye contact.  For a moment, he would wink his eye, blow kisses, make me laugh, and he was very handsome to me.  As we continued to run into each other and talk, we finally exchanged numbers.  I had his number, but I did not call for a while because I did not want to appear desperate, although I had not been in a relationship for a while, he was one of the best looking men I have come across in a long time.  Moreover, we continued to see each from time to time and one day we were talking.  He made a point about, "I wish I could take you out or hang with you, but it is complicated right now"  I responded, "What do you mean?" Are you attached?" and his response was , "Something like that", so I asked him about the relationship and why would he say something like that when he is obviously still with her. 

Now, the same man who said those words about his relationship, he surely made an impression on me when he called to come see me weeks later or months later I would say.  To admit, I told him to pray about his situation and see what happens because I did not want to be in the way.  However, recently, he called my house, I was not home, so he reached me at my cousin's house and asked if he can come through.  I said yes and when he came over, we kissed and it was passionate.  We have this unbelievable chemistry, but after that, we did not talk ever since.  It was like a total turn off.  I don't know what he is thinking, but I feel bad because of what I did and also because he has a girlfriend that seem to be fading in and out.  I feel terrible and wish I could change everything, but I cannot.  Talking to him is difficult right now because he probably think I am easy and I don't want him to think that way of me.  Honestly, I have not been in a relationship nor went there with anyone in a long time, so I was impressed to see that he wanted to see me.

Out of all this, what are the possible thoughts of this man? and what did I do wrong?  I know the kiss does not mean anything because nothing will not materialize from just that.  For one, he is very sexual and he expressed that before.  Thank God, I did not go all the way with him because he showed another side of him that I have not seen before.  His endorsements.  It was raw! I will not say anymore.  Moreover, I just don't understand all of this.  I guess sex was all that he wanted from me.  I feel like a fool and as a woman I do not want to interfere in anything like that again! I am being honest with myself because I want the truth to show in all things.  I rather hear from men who are spiritual, educated, experienced, and know something about what a man's thoughts are toward a woman he possibly does not care for at all, not even me.

Please respond soon! I need to hear from you.

[David Dupree]

Hi Nov,

Let me apologize first if I missed something.  I read your post fast and need to respond rather rapidly.  However, I didn't want to "put it off" as getting back to this may be a challenge with my current schedule for the next few days. 

That being said, there are a couple things that you have to remember. 

1)   God made us not to be mind readers purposely.  Therefore, since you can't read a man's mind, then you must read your own mind.  At least you must read your mind that is the mind following the scripture..."Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus."  What I mean is this..do/think/say the God thing. 

2) Obviously, by telling you the things he did concerning his "woman" he was feeling you out to see if he could have his cake and a cutie pie too.   And this doesn't mean that he doesn't genuinely like you.  But, it is clear to me that he can't come correct because he does not have a correct or a doright mind. 

3)  Sure he did stay away for awhile.  But when he called and came by, did he say that he had broken it off with his "woman?"  I don't think so.  Just cause he can't get you off his mind etc etc ...and you can't get him off your mind, still those are not reasons to compromise.  You know he is not saved.  You know he has flesh issues.  You know if he breaks it off with his woman and you become his woman, he is not going to "respect" your celibacy.  He may tolerate it until he can "break you down" and YOU make the (wrong) decision to give him your body, but I doubt very seriously that he will become celibate himself for your sake.   

4)  Although he sounds like a very nice guy, I believe his spirit of lust is not conducive to your holy living.

5)  If the fact that he kissed you and hasn't called you since was a total turnoff...then turn him off!  Tell yourself that it's a wrap!


dd

[Novelist]

I appreciate your response and now I am receiving the message that he is not the one for me.  It was obviously a moment of lust.  My concern and worry was the thoughts he had of me afterwards.  Curiously, I was thinking of what is on his mind since we last seen each other.  Somehow I have developed this uneasy feeling inside because we were cool once upon a time.  Then, I would think, "Maybe he is busy getting himself together or "He is probably doing this to someone else.  I kissed him and that was an indication that I liked him, yet in my heart, I knew a relationship would not result from this.  From a man's perspective, I still don't get it.  If he is not ready for a relationship period or find himself unhappy in the one he is in, what doesn't he move on from her until he knows what he wants.  Answering that question may already be in existence because he girlfriend is a loan officer I believe and he mentioned that she makes money, so I am thinking he is there as long as there is money.  However, I think he is full of games and I knew this.  I was foolish to even associate with him to begin with. 

My feelings for him were obvious and I made a mistake by expressing that I liked him.  This is crazy.  My relationship with men are at a negative because I need to redefine who I am.  It has been tough because I never had a healthy relationship because I am unhealthy.  David, thank you for your candid response. 


Novelist.

[Breathedonme]

Novelist,

I am not a man, but we've discussed things similar to wanting someone in a different thread.

My only response is "be careful!"  The enemy knows your desires and what flavor your Kool-Aid is.

God allows us to see "red flags," so we won't fall into traps.

Any man who is with another woman (regardless to whether he says they are not sleeping together, or are about to break up (waiting to get his own place) is a HUGE RED FLAG!

Sistah, if he can do it to the woman he is with, he can do it to you.

Also, you told him to pray.  Is he saved?  Does he have a relationship such with the Lord that when he prays the Spirit of God can convict him to do what is right (just in case he was in his flesh as we all can be???).

Please forgive yourself and know that there are a lot of predators out there (both men and women) who are on a mission from the enemy (not knowingly) to set you up to destroy your relationship with God, your peace and your future.

If a man (or woman) is unhappy with a person in a relationship and plans to leave (and this brings us to another long story, but we won't go there in this thread), THEN WAIT UNTIL HE LEAVES AND GIVE HIM TIME TO HEAL SO YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON HE REBOUNDS WITH.

It will save you pain in the future.

[Forum Administrator]

Hey Novelist. I just want to jump in on this one for a "minute." You have received some wonderful advice! Chalk this off as a learning experience that you should never have to repeat. Here are a few more tips that might be helpful:

- If the first thing a man is doing when he meets you is blowing you kisses, that may be a good indication that it's primarily a physical relationship he's after.

- If the man says anything like "it's complicated" when the topic of relationship involvement comes up, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Furthermore, if he can't give you a straight answer to such a direct question, that should be enough shadiness to cool you right off. By telling him to pray about his other relationship, to me it implies that you are suggesting that perhaps he is supposed to be with you and not the other person he is/was involved with. That is a suggestion that you do not want to make. There is nothing to pray about except his salvation and you do not have to be involved with him or inform him to do that.

- Stop speculating about what this (or any man/person) is thinking. You do not know what he's thinking and you would never know for certain unless what is being thought is expressed. It is a waste of time and energy to try to read someone's mind. What should drive/motivate our behavior is what God thinks about us, not what (we think/speculate/assume) anyone else thinks about us.

- You should be concerned about your Christian witness because you represent Christ and you want to do that well. It is a poor witness to indicate that you are a Christian and then not do what you know to be the Christian thing. Don't let anyone say about you what Ghandi said which was "I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians because they do not look like your Christ."  It's not solely about how you are perceived by others (and I know you know this) because sometimes the way people think/believe a Christian should be/behave has nothing to do with Christianity. Do keep in mind, however, that we are "living epistles, seen and read of men" (2 Corinthians 3:2) and we need to make sure that we are giving people the right message to read.

- The enemy will set traps for you. Okay, so this time you caught a piece of the trap (or a piece of the trap caught you). YOU ESCAPED! You were overtaken in a fault. Now it's our job as your brothers and sisters in Christ to restore you with a spirit of meekness, and it's your job not to fall into that trap again. As Breathedonme has reminded you, forgive yourself. Claim 1 John 1:9 for your past and Romans 6 for your future. Even when we slip, stumble or fall, we are still in the race. Get back up, and keep on running! 

[Novelist]

To all of the deep waters forum, thank you for insightful, spiritual, and real advice.  I am learning each day about others and myself, though it is a journey, I cannot give up.  God is with me and by this event, I am soul searching.  Oftentimes, I want attention so much to wear I compromise myself and that is not right.  Whether I am a joke to him or not, I still have to represent myself better than that.  Through the passages of life, I have come to a road of various decisions, for one, I need to work on my relationship with Christ and rededicate myself to God.  Secondly, I need to focus on my mission and God's will for my life so that I can do a good work for him.  Third, my esteem and relationships need to improve.  In these areas, it is essential for me to re-establish myself and prioritize what is important.  You are right! I escaped and I plan to stay gone.  He was a breeze that did not last long and I did not need him obviously.  So far, it has been at least a month since I seen him and I have already moved on.  Everyone's advice was true, I need to forgive myself and recognize the enemy's traps to consume me.  In the midst of my storms, life is progressing.


Novelist.