afraid to tell spouse my true feelings

[integrity]

I got married at age 19 and divorced 4 yrs later. We re-married 2yrs after that, which totals 10yrs. The truth is that I have never completely felt the way that I should about my wife. My son is who I really love. My wife is 34 and I am 29. I am also a minister music and my wife is a minister. We have been like night and day when it comes to my music since day one, but it won't be admitted. I am tired of hearing that I feel the way that I do because of problems or the devil is playing with my mind. Please tell me just how many excuses you can come up with in 10yrs as to why you don't want to hold your wife after making love. The feelings have never totally been there. The Holy Spirit is the only one that has help me stay sane. Please help me.

[Forum Administrator]

What's the difference between being "in love" and "love?" The first ("in love") has to do with feelings; the second ("love") does not. You said your son is who you really love. Have you ever thought about what it is that makes you love your son? Is there something your son has done to earn or deserve your love? How is that different from the love, or lack thereof, that you have for your wife? Do you love your wife? Before you answer, let's talk a little about love... biblical love.

Biblical love has nothing to do with feelings: it is a decision--an act of your will--not an emotion. Biblical love does what is in the best interest of another--even if you don't feel like it. Biblical love is sacrificial: it is putting the needs of someone else above your own. Biblical love gives without hidden motives or expectation of anything in return. Biblical love is not conditional: it is not based on what the other person does or does not do. Biblical love is allowing yourself to let the love of God flow through you to someone else. There is no fear in biblical love.  (A review of 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 and 1 John 4:18 might prove helpful).

Your feelings are important. More than likely, your wife already has a sense about how you feel. There are reasons why you feel the way you do, and these reasons should be addressed in a safe and productive way in a safe and productive environment. If you want to work some things out here in Deep Waters, you're welcome to do so. Christian marital counseling for you and your wife is also an excellent option.

The good news is this: the success of your marriage is not dependent on feelings; it is dependent on the will. Love is an act of your will--it is a decision you make. What you decide will affect what you do, and (eventually) affect what you feel. You have invested 10 years in this marriage; you made the decision to marry. You are empowered to make the decision to love. Are you willing to make that decision?

It's important for you to know that you are not without help. You are carrying a burden, but you are not alone in this. God is willing and able to help you maintain the commitment to love that (I hope) you will make... and not be miserable while doing it. God will help you and bless you as you make a decision to be obedient to Him.

[Forum Administrator]

by Dr. James Dobson

QUESTION: Is it possible to love someone and not feel it?

DR. DOBSON: It certainly is--because love is more than a feeling. It is primarily a decision. Married couples who misunderstand this point will have serious problems when the feeling of love disappears for a time. Couples who genuinely love each other will experience times of closeness, times when they feel apathetic, and times when they are irritated and cranky. That's just the way emotions operate. What then will hold them steady as their feelings bounce all over the landscape? The source of constancy is a commitment of the will. You simply make up your mind not to be blown off the limb by fluctuating and unreliable emotions.

COPYRIGHT 2004 JAMES DOBSON INC.