Is Remaining Single Selfish?

[Shulamitegrl]

Like most folks I've been challenged a lot in the area of relationships, esp romantic relationships.  To make a long story short a brother  I knew from years ago joined my church winter of 2004 and our friendship rekindled...several months later he told me he was very interested in me, wanted to date, get to know me better and that his intentions were eventually marriage. I was interested but cautious because of past relationship disappointments but I didn't want to judge him based on my past and so I agreed to date and get to know each other exclusively.

Long story short, we've never been on a date since then. He works very late hours, we spend no time together,  (i'm not exaggerating)  at one point I was doing all the calling, finally I even stopped that because I was talking to the voice mail more than him. Since I'm working on Sundays now, the only time I see him is when he and I volunteer on the same nite to work with teen ministry. Needless to say I'm very disappointed and i feel that old rejection WHICH has led me to seriously ponder this conclusion: I'll just stay single. It's not that bad. My own space, my own schedule, come and go as I please, no one else to adjust or cater to, no one else's attitude or emotions to be careful not to offend...oh yeah and less drama!

Is this selfish? OR Is God allowing my frustration with romantic relationships to provoke me to stop desiring this and to separate myself for Him only?  Does anyone else sometimes get tired of all the emotional upheaval and feel maybe it just wasn't meant to be and that singlehood is the best & only option? 

[David Dupree]

Hi Shulamitegrl, 

You pose one question, but you raise three issues.  Let me see if I can provide some assistance with all issues. 

First of all, you were friends with this guy for years.  You did not indicate how many dates that you have been on though.  Did you go on any at all?

Do you know this guy to be a person of good character?  I feel like you do.  Therefore, my impression is that you had no reason to doubt what he said to you.  If you did have a decent friendship, then you probably know that it probably took much for your friend to approach you concerning his interest in you and potential intentions. 

But you have to back off a bit!  More than likely, this guy may be feeling like he has to get some things in order right now to come correct.  On the other hand, all of your "pursuit" may have turned him off now.  Heck, he may have been frightened by his own words to you. hahahaha
Regardless of which way it is, you should not feel very "disappointed"--at least not yet.  You are speculating as am I. :-) 

Relax.  Do you believe that you walk in ordered steps?  Do you believe that the Lord is directing your path?  Do you believe that God will give you the desires of your heart because you have delighted in Him?  Then just take a chill pill.   You need to believe that God is working it out for your good.   The songwriter said "whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul."

Second, you are sending too much negative energy towards your situation by dwelling on the failures of past relationships.   That old rejection stuff is from your past.  It doesn't have to be a part of your future.  But you have to make a commitment to not be "haunted by the failures of your past."  You are right-you should not judge your "friend" based on your past.  And just because things did not go as YOU imagined they would once you agreed to date him, still don't bring your past into it.  Do you know this guy as a friend well enough to give him the benefit of the doubt?  (sidebar...I hope that when you see him at the teen ministry that you aren't giving him attitude.) 

Where is God in this?  What are you perceiving in your spirit concerning your friend's statement to you? If God is in it then God will work it out in His time.  Sometimes you need to just WAIT.  Check out my wife's book..."Though the Vision Tarry-Waiting for My Promised Mate."  The old folks would say to you, "baby, when the outlook looks bad, then stay with the uplook. Look up and see God." 


Third issue:  In all things we must do them for the right reasons.  If your singleness is divinely appointed and orchestrated, then you would walk in it without disappointment and bitterness although you may resent your lot for the while. But just because of the rentention of disappointment and resentment from previous relationships, I believe that you desire relationship.  That is a good thing.  Not all of us are called as Paul the apostle was.  Is it selfish?  Well, if you are doing it because of your frustration etc., then yes, it is.  You are harming yourself more than anyone else. 

Just because you focus on the things of God does not mean that you have to give up your desire for a God-given mate.  You just get to a point where you realize that your wholeness/singleness is in God and not in a mate.  Furthermore, I could give you countless testimonies of persons who will give the story of how they were focused on God/church etc and not a mate when that special person literally just dropped into their life.   Yes, separate yourself for Him only, but be open to what He has for you in His time and in His way.


dd 

[Gracious]

Posted by: David Dupree  Posted on: Today at 11:53:33 AM 

"...Just because you focus on the things of God does not mean that you have to give up your desire for a God-given mate.  You just get to a point where you realize that your wholeness/singleness is in God and not in a mate.  Furthermore, I could give you countless testimonies of persons who will give the story of how they were focused on God/church etc and not a mate when that special person literally just dropped into their life.     Yes, separate yourself for Him only, but be open to what He has for you in His time and in His way..."

WISDOM ...Amen...Amen...& Amen...PREACH!!! my brotha'  PREACH!!!

I'm a livin' testimony... 'cause that's EXACTLY how GOD blessed me (with the kind of man that I knew not, HOW to ASK for, yet IS exceeding abundantly above anything that I could ASK or THINK...truly GOD has touched him with a HEART for mine)...When I least expected it...SHORTLY...YEP, not long after I... "...separated MYSELF for HIM only, yet was open to what HE (GOD!!!) had & has for me in HIS time and in HIS "WAY"..."

Graciously...THANKFUL!!!

[Novelist]

After reading your post and the evaluations of the forum, I believe that you want a relationship.  Maybe at this time a relationship is not in your vocabulary, yet you are indecisive as to whether you are selfish or not.  Although you have been burned from your past, it is fear that is preventing you from receiving new relationships as is.  Yes, the past has influences on how we encounter new possibilities.  Making the choice to remain single is solely your choice as long as you are not concocting a way to obstruct someone from pursuing you.  At times, we can be selfish because we were hurt before and we refuse to give anyone the chance to hurt us again.  In view, I believe you are not selfish; you are simply guarding your heart, yet it is difficult for you to receive the true feelings or words from your friend and you do not want history to repeat itself. 

I believe you have a great heart.  You do not want a relationship based on your past.  Which David Dupree mentioned in one of his postings, "If your singleness is divinely appointed and orchestrated,  then you would walk in it without disappointment and bitterness.  Not to say that you are bitter, but I believe that in due season, God is going to bring his purpose to pass for you.  I think you should focus on God, yourself, and make room for potential dates if possible.  You have my blessing and I pray that all is well for you.


Novelist.

[Shulamitegrl]

THANKS EV'RYBODY!! Your responses were so sincere and from the heart! WOW... i'm a lil overwhelmed right now... 

Where do i start? No Bro. Dupree, we never dated before in the past and still have yet to...and he did show up out of the blue...so i wasn't even expecting his arrival. I don't think he knew where I was fellowshipping. I almost sure he didn't. But I guess he could have asked someone. But I hadn't talked to him nor seen him in so long and my circle of friends had changed quite a bit since the last time we saw each other...??  I do know that he went through a very painful breakup of a 2 yr engagement...which is why he asked if we could keep our relationship 'quiet" b/c too many people were in the mix the last time when that failed...but then shortly after making that agreement, he chooses to confide in one of the biggest gossips in our congregation...someone he knew back in grade school and he swore this was his 'buddy' in 5th grade, he didn't listen to me when I tried to explain that this person was not who he thought they were anymore and he stood a good chance of getting into some major drama if he chose to become "tight" with them... that's another story and yes when the drama started, he was smack-dab in the middle...

But anyhoo, I'd like to be very honest here and say that  there are a lot of other factors and insight that I left out b/c i didn't want to go on and on. Factors that I believe the Lord showed me from the beginning so that I wouldn't plow full speed ahead without considering these things.  Bottomline, he's not the well-mannered, crazy for Jesus, guy I used to know. His focus and conversation for the most part consist of gossip, esp. about pastors and people in the community that he knows the 'dirt' on, how much he spent on whatever latest clothing he's wearing, and his circle of friends are people who instead of encourage him to pursue God, they use him, pump up his ego and encourage a very compromising lifestyle.  I tried to hang out with him and his crowd and constantly walked away feeling as though I had too compromised my own witness as a Christian. I tried to reason with myself, maybe I was being too "holy"...but I eventually decided that I just couldn't be with his crowd...no matter how much i wanted to be with him...and for whatever reason, one-on-one time with him was not an option...eventually he began to ignore me when around certain people, even treat me like one of the guys, no special treatment, like you would show someone you were seriously dating --- and his conversations consisted of what so-and-so said about "us" (i.e. so-and-so says you baby me, so-and-so says you aren't real about your feelings...etc) ...After a few weeks of trying to pick arguments out of me (apparently someone suggested to him that he try and make me angry b/c it's not possible that I could be that mild-mannered all the time) and I refused to be talked to in that manner, I asked him if WE were alright and what was going on with this behavior. He mumbled something about having a lot going on. So I stopped calling. that was 5 months ago. 

There's more, but it's too much to share. I knew the 'old' him and wanted very badlly to ignore what I saw happening. Initially when he first showed up, we prayed together asking God for His direction as to why our paths were crossing again. That was even before anything romantic began. I believe I got my answer. Much of what he struggles with now is so parallel to what I've been through until it's scares me sometimes. I had then and still now a very strong witness in my spirit that I was to help him through it.  I believe that my lustful heart for more clouded my original resolve as to what God wanted and thus, here i am.  I've written letters, and tried to talk to him about what I see happening to him as well as my feelings he remains silent.

I agree that I was too available, too open, too needy, too EVERYthing in the beginning. But God in His mercy made sure I saw everything up front and that slowed me way down. He calls now whenever he gets a notion, doesn't bring up the fact that he hasn't heard from me in months, just askes questions like "why haven't I heard from you all day..?" and I'm thinking "try for the past several months..." He recently moved into his new apt and he's asking me once a week, "when are you coming to see my new place..." and I'm thinking "not sure if I really want to come by...." guess that's not the best attitude to have but honestly but I feel unsafe around people who ignore issues.

After confronting my own selfish heart, and repenting for being so demanding that my "dreams come true" I've been able to find the grace to just let it go. So that's  that. I'm assuming the role of 'friend' and if it is God's will for anything else, like you all said, He'll work it out.