What is forgiveness?

[Soulbear]

What is your definition of 'forgiveness'?

I found the following definition:

"Human 'forgiveness' is to be strictly analogous to divine 'forgiveness,' e.g., Matt. 6:12. If certain conditions are fulfilled, there is no limitation to Christ's law of 'forgiveness,' Matt. 18:21, 22. The conditions are repentance and confession, Matt. 18:15-17; Luke 17:3."

p.251, Vine's Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words

If you have a different definition of forgiveness then how do you deal with verses like Matthew 18:17 and II Thessalonians 3:6???

The Bible also says,"If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men."-Romans 12:18  This verse implies that it isn't always possible to live in peace with all men.

My family is stuck on mental, emotional, etc., abuse.  They think that power is more important than love so therefore nothing less then them abusing me constantly will appease them.

I have difficulty with Christians who feed into this.  They think that if you love the abuser then it will be possible to live in peace with them which is contradictory to what Romans 12:18 says.  My view is that I shouldn't be enabling people to keep sinning against me because supporting them to sin is wrong and James 4:17 says that they which know to do good and do it not is sin.

My siblings were brought up in an environment of fighting because Mom was too weak to get things from Dad. Mom taught her children to fight one another and they are still doing it to this day.

I've been trying to stop the cycle of abuse but I get the disapproval of man because they don't really believe that children would want to destroy each other. People take the side of the abuser a lot of the time because they are basing their beliefs on what they believe instead of what the facts are. They don't really believe that the children are so sick that the children want to break up the new marriage of their parent and have them divorced through using methods from law.  They also attack one another and haven't spoken to their Mom for 25 years and then my mom died.

If I base forgiveness on repentance and confession then relationships are reciprocol and complimentary but if you base forgiveness on giving special power to evil men then you can't obey the Bible to reject what people do:

Titus 3:10

ASV   A factious man after a first and second admonition refuse;
      
BBE   A man whose opinions are not those of the church, after a first and second protest, is to be kept out of your society;    BBE
      
DBY   An heretical man after a first and second admonition have done with,    DBY
      
KJV   A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject;    KJV
      
WBS   A man that is a heretic, after the first and second admonition, reject;    WBS
      
YLT   A sectarian man, after a first and second admonition be rejecting,  

[Forum Administrator]

There is a difference between forgiving someone and setting boundaries. Forgiveness means to cancel a debt--real or perceived--that someone owes you. Forgiveness has more to do with you and your relationship with God and less to do with you and the person who you forgive. We forgive because God has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32) and for that reason alone. If God can be gracious enough to forgive us for all of our sins, what right do we have to hold anything over someone else's head?

Allow me to make an illustration about forgiveness. Imagine that someone has offended you in some terrible way and that offense is like a huge boulder. While you have not forgiven that person, it is as though you are holding the offense--the huge boulder--over the person's head. It may be threatening and uncomfortable to the person who offended you to know that you are holding this huge boulder over his/her head, but the person who will be hurt the most is you. It will be your arms that grow weary and your hands that grow calloused and cut from holding this boulder. It is you who will be held in a state of bondage, unable to free yourself so that you can open your arms to fully embrace someone or something else. So it is with unforgiveness: the longer you hold on to it, the more painful it is for you. You will be the one held in torment.

The verse that you draw attention to in Matthew 18:17 deals more with church discipline than the issue of forgiveness (i.e. the church, especially church leadership, has the authority to mediate civil matters between believers). A more relevant portion of scripture is further down in Matthew 18:21-35. If you re-read this portion of scripture with the above illustration in mind, that might help you gain a clearer understanding of forgiveness as given in this passage.

Again, the verse that you draw attention to in 2 Thessalonians 3:6 has more to do with the disciplining of a believer. The hope in this verse and in the previous verse you mentioned is that the person being admonished become ashamed of his/her behavior, recognize the error of his/her ways, repent and return (and be welcomed back) to full fellowship. We are commanded to "admonish the unruly, encourage, the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone" (I Thessalonians 5:14). Your focus must be on doing what is right even if the other person is not doing what is right (2 Thessalonians 3:13-15).

That brings me to the other passage that you have mentioned in Romans 12:18: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." It is to be your focus to live at peace with others. It is true, that some people are contentious and cannot or will not live in peace. But as a Christian you can. Your peace is not contingent upon what the other person does; neither is your forgiveness.

There are certain situations that warrant boundaries, or setting healthy limits to what you will or will not subject yourself to. You can forgive and still have boundaries and just because you have forgiven a person does not mean you can still maintain a healthy relationship with them. For example, if a husband is physically abusing his wife and does not take any action to get to the root of his behavior and correct it, the wife can (and must) forgive her abuser, but she may not be able to live with him if he does not take the steps necessary to effectuate change. We are called to be wise. As for you, I would encourage you to make sure that you have a clear understanding of forgiveness--what it is and what it is not--and make sure that you are not holding anyone in a state of unforgiveness in the name of rejecting what they are doing wrong.

I would strongly recommend the following resources:

The Gift of Forgiveness by Charles Stanley - this book will speak in detail on what forgiveness is, what it is not, and why and how to forgive another person

Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend - an excellent resource for discovering why and how to set healthy boundaries.

You can find both of these resources on the http://www.deepwaters.info/resources-abuse.htm page of the Deep Waters website. If you are unable to get these resources, please request additional information and I will post some additional information on this topic for you.

I hope this information has been helpful. Feel free to respond and/or post additional questions.

[Novelist]

Forgiveness is more than mental, it is emotional.  When someone hurts me, I am emotionally wounded from what was done or said to me.  Therefore, it clings to the mind connecting to the heart, giving me a nasty memory and from those thoughts, my emotions arise.  Forgiving is difficult, but we must forgive.  In my heart, I wanted to let go of somethings so that I can move on.  Currently, I am in constant battle with forgiving because I will not let the hurt go.  Is there a difference between holding on, but forgiving or does it apply to forgiveness as a whole?  In the past, I have forgiven others, but I cannot forget.  When forgetting becomes a stronghold, does it mean I have not forgiven the individual?  In my mind, I had forgiven, but the memory resides.  Getting past the hurt is the process toward forgiveness.

Furthermore, I think forgiveness means to completely erase what was done, but forgetting is the hard part.  Truthfully, forgiving is when my heart is in it, but if I do not have the heart or I am not ready to forgive, does it mean I have to force myself to forgive if I am not ready?  People have mistreated me and I can forgive them depending on the amount of hurt.  To me, the deeper the wound, the longer the forgiveness.  It may be the wrong philosophy to share, but I do not recommend anyone to take this advice because this is my personal view on forgiveness in my life.  However, I have forgiven others from past hurts and were able to move on and that is why I have experienced forgiveness and unforgiveness due to the hurt I felt at the moment.

Now, I would advise others to forgive in order to move on because it held me from progressing in my life, so if you are going through unforgiveness, no matter what, even myself, I had to forgive whether I liked it or not.  Christ had forgiven me innumerable times from my failures and mistakes, so when I finally grew up, I had to let go of certain people and things in my life because I had to eventually mature past petty things.  Most times, forgiveness is showing love despite of how others mistreated you and I know that is hard.  Overall, consult God if you are having trouble with forgiveness and examine yourself.  I had to do that on several occasions because I could not forgive myself.

[bishopbiscuits]

Since the definition is here already, I'll share my thoughts on forgiveness.
......It is the choice that starts the healing process. It is so necessary, because we cannot avoid being hurt at some time or other. Misunderstandings, people's pasts/habits, stress, anger, fear, insecurities and level of maturity are all reasons why people have conflict. Biblical wisdom and an honest evaluation of self were a part of my journey.
......I am aware of how I judge myself. I have to learn how other people evaluate themselves. Regardless of what happens, I ask for Jesus' help to help me digest the situation, and to grow/move forward from it.
......I accept that no one is perfect. I try to take things with grace and let God show me how to respond.
......Forgiveness does not mean that you  become oblivious to whatever hurt you. You have to separate the act from the person who committed it, though.
The act is temporary but must be must be recognized for what it represents. Dealing with the person through which the offense occured requires an evaluation of the severity of the action, and an evaluation of the person.
Here is one instance where boundaries must be established/clarified through clear communication.  
 ......It does mean that you stay out of condemning the person, standing in the role of a judge/jury/warden in their lives. Because a piece of you is bound if you hold on to resentment. Even when we have the right to be angry, anger cannot take up long-term residence within us. Vengeance is not ours to entertain or put in action.
...... Anger is a natural reaction to being hurt or taken advantage of. A kind of red alert system. But it makes too much demand on us to  be heathily sustained. It is not a sin to become angry, but because it is a powerful reaction, if we are not careful it can lead us to sin.
.......Forgiveness takes place most easily when we can still grasp onto hope and faith. Know that this too shall pass. Acknowledge your feelings in prayer before God, and let Him in time restore us. Forgiveness is our choice to learn from but not be hindered by the past.

[Gracious]

Heaven knows that the WISDOM in this "thread", is DEVINELY ordered!!!

  May I share for a moment??? 

Yeah, I do know that FORGIVENESS is required of me scripturally, however during the valleys of my hurt/pain...FORGIVENESS is the last thing I desire (either for myself, or the other person(s)... :-/

Please, please forgive me, and please try not to hold it against me when I say: "I really...really don't like the process of FORGIVENESS...(too much gut wrenching work!!!")  :-/ BUT...Lord knows...it's necessary!!!

Yet the reason that I chasten to FORGIVENESS, is very simple (besides my religious convictions). Life has taught me that when another hurts/offends me, and I perpetuate their offense by either having a pity party (why me LORD), or pretend that what they did, didn't affect me (never let'em see ya' sweat...I'm the bigger person here???), or seek revenge by snapping at them for no reason (after the fact) or completely ignoring them (designed to whip them spiritually...not sure how effective that is anyway  ). I simultaneously weaken, because "I" supernaturally (spiritually) surrender my peace, my joy,  MY POWER... to the enemy of my soul.

In other words, that other person (or the devil working through that other person(s) ), gains control over my emotions. When I see them, I sneer, get an uncomfortable (burning) sensation in the pit of my stomach, can't pray, can't even fake a smile. Like it or not, that's the loss of my God given power...to another!!! I'm disconnected!!!

The only way to reconnect...for me to go back into the enemy's camp and take back what I've allowed to be stolen, is by entering into my prayer closet...have a lil' talk with Jesus...and by shedding ALL...EVERYTHING at the alter!!!

Then I understand, I'm ready (to do the WORK) to submit-earnestly AND REPENT...hear my heavenly Father, feel safe because my burden "stronghold"...is released/lifted!!! Next, ALL I have to do now is TRUST my Lord & Savior to walk before me...continue my spiritual submission, LISTEN and be ready to GO when He's ready to use me!!!

HMMMMMMM...there's something soul stirring 'bout those old church hymns:

IS YOUR ALL ON THE ALTER

"You have longed for sweet peace, and for faith to increase.
You have earnestly fervently prayed.
But you cannot have rest, or be perfectly blessed
Until ALL on the alter laid

Is your ALL on the alter of sacrifice laid;
Your heart does the Spirit control.
You can only be blessed, and have peace and sweet rest,
As you yield Him your body and soul..."

Whew!!! That felt pretty good...just needed to vent

AMEN!!!

[wisdancage]

I understand, I'm ready (to do the WORK) to submit-earnestly AND REPENT...hear my heavenly Father, feel safe becausedidn't affect me (never let'em see ya' sweat...I'm the bigger person here???), or seek revenge by snapping at them for no reason (after the fact) or completely ignoring them
I think you are 100% right on this subject & its a very good question which is you asked here.