Contemplating

[a real doll]

I have been married 32 years - a teen bride. Needless to say, much has occured during my many years of marriage.  About three years ago, I discovered my husband was involved in an affair and I can not truthfully say that it has ended.

My attempts at any discussion is usually met with, no response, of let's just get a divorce!  After several times of saying this I have said ok.  However, I believe he is waiting for me to get the divorce.

I have had counselling sessions with my pastor and private therapist and my best friend.  I have given my husband the benefit of the doubt that he may be going through "Midlife crises", however, he refuses to attend counseling or talk to me saying "I'm not on his level".  He consistently leaves home at 4:00 a.m. for work but dosen't return until 8:30 or 9:00 p.m. every weeknight.

When he is home, he is usually in another room and when I enter he usually leaves.  When he does initiate conversation, it is usually a repeat of what he has said numerous times before.  Any comments I may make on the topic of conversation, usually winds up being an argument.

We have two adult children and one grandson who do not live with us.  I'm contemplating getting a divorce and am working to pay down some of my debt.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello a real doll. It always amazes me when I hear of marriages that reach milestones such as yours--in terms of number of years married--that then reach a point where one or both of the partners (usually one) wants to end the marriage and start all over again with someone new. Thirty-two years is a very long time to invest in a marriage, so you are right to consider very carefully what to do next.

There are two scriptural principles that come to mind as I read your post. The first is found in Matthew 18:15-20 which gives you a step-by-step approach for dealing with the person who has "sinned against you." First, you are instructed to go to the person who has hurt you (i.e. your husband) and try to work things out between the two of you.

If he won't listen, you are then instructed to take one or two other (impartial/objective) people with you and try again to work things out. The old saying goes, if the mountain will not go to Mohammed, Mohammed will go to the mountain." Since your husband seems opposed to going to counseling, in your case you will have to "bring the mountain to Mohammed."

If he still won't listen, you are further instructed to take it to the "Church." This does not mean getting up in the midst of the congregation and telling all of your business.  What it suggests is that God has given authority to the leadership in the Church to mediate civil matters among believers (1 Corinthians 6:1-8 ). It is to such leadership--whether it be in the form of pastors, counselors, deacons, etc.--that we are advised to take such matters. Make sure that whoever you "take with you" is someone that is wise, godly, someone who your husband will respect enough to listen to and someone who is capable of being objective and impartial for the benefit of both of you.

If at that point your husband will not hear "the Church," you are then instructed to treat him as an unbeliever which leads you into a whole other realm.

To deal with an unbeliever does not necessarily mean that you must walk away or give up. What it does mean is that you must still attempt to show your husband the love of God and the forgiveness of God. After all, it is the goodness of God that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). If that strategy works for God (and it does), that would be the best strategy for you to employ also.

That does not, however, suggest that you must be willing to put up with any old kind of behavior from your husband. What it does suggest is that you have a right to set appropriate boundaries in your marriage for what you will and will not tolerate and to set reasonable consequences for the violation of those boundaries. Adultery should never be tolerated. You are your husband's wife with all the rights and responsibilities that the position entails. (Please see my response to the post My husband has other ladies for additional details.) But make sure in your approach you are humble (i.e. open to the possibility of gaining understanding that you are not presently aware of), respectful (so that you won't have to fight his ego to be heard), and honest (not over generalizing and sticking to the facts).

Divorce, even in the case of adultery is not a mandate. The ultimate goal would be reconciliation. God only holds you responsible for what you do; your husband will have to answer to God for what he does. When God requires an answer of you for how you have handled your responsibility and stewardship as a wife, you want to be able to say that you have done everything you could for the benefit of your marital relationship.

I realize that more often than not there are situations where the husband just wants to end the marriage in spite of the wife's efforts to maintain/preserve it. That would bring us to the next biblical principle that came to mind found in 1 Corinthians 7:10-15. If your husband is an unbeliever, or if after following the principles of Matthew 18:15-20 is to be treated as an unbeliever and if he is determined to divorce you, "let him depart." It was for such instances that the certificate of divorce was instructed to be given (see Deuteronomy 24:1-4). However, the responsibility is on him not you to obtain the divorce. Confronted with that reality, he may think twice about it. If he does divorce you, according to scripture "[you] are not bound in such circumstances" (1 Corinthians 7:15). 

One of the things that will help you most is deciding in your mind what you want. If you want your marriage, by all means fight for it, but fight with the understanding that you must move onto something better than what you had in your marriage up to this point. There are many marriages that are restored from the brink of divorce. Yours could be one of them. There are issues within your relationship that have brought you both to this point. Those issues must be addressed jointly and individually. If your husband is unwilling to address the issues with you, address the issues that you can/need to address on your own. You cannot force him to change, neither can you make him want your marriage... he has to want it for himself. All you can do is what you can do.

Sometimes people are in a hurry to end their marriages because they are only thinking of the short term satisfaction/pleasure that they think leaving their marriage and/or being with someone else will bring. Even in the worst marriages, those who do divorce are often faced with the reality of the pain and grief due to the death of the marriage in addition to the burdens of divorce such as alimony and other financial concerns, new living arrangements, having to build new relationships all over again, loneliness, feelings of failure, guilt, and the list goes on and on.

As I said before, thirty-two years is a long time to invest in a marriage. Just as marriage should not be entered into lightly or unadvisedly, likewise, the contemplation of the ending of it should not be taken lightly or unadvisedly either. You have done well to seek out counsel. I encourage you even in the midst of all of this to commit yourself to your Faithful Creator and continue to do good. God will make every single thing work together for your good if you love Him, and love in God's language means doing what He says. Be committed to being obedient to God in spite of what happens in your marriage. Whatever happens in all of this, you shall not be destroyed, you shall not be defeated and you shall not surely die. Remember that. 

Further recommendations: Please read/re-read the following posts:
My husband caused a lot of pain being unfaithful

[Patricia Ashley]

It is possible that your husband is experiencing a mid-life crisis.
It is hard to say what is going on in his mind and heart. The only thing that you can judge is his actions, If he refuses to open up to you or get help through counseling. Your only recourse is to get help for yourself. You will need to grieve the relationship you once enjoyed with him. It is over! Maybe not forever but at the present time you are in a winter season.
First be restored and heal emotionally and spiritually.
Get a mature godly woman to support you, If you want to hold out, pray and ride this one out. It is worth it to fight for your marriage. In order to do it you need strength spiritually, emotionally and physically. So make taking care of yourself your first priority. If you see that he really want out, get yourself prepared by getting out of debt, getting good legal advice, and work through forgiving him so that you can heal and live.
I strongly encourage you to spend some quality time in prayer and ask God to speak clearly to you as to what you should do and when you hear him speak do what He tells you.


Grace, mercy, and peace be multiplied unto you from God the Father and Jesus Christ our Lord.

Joyfully,
Pat Ashley