Christian Dating Services....

[purity]

Would you use one? 

I didn't really give this too much though until lately. Christian dating services are popping up every where even in the church (believe it or not).

Should one use a Christian Dating service? I always keep in mind FIND and the emphasis the Lord put on that when he referred to a man finding his wife. That's just me. Hopefully I'm not being overly spiritual 

What makes them different from any other dating service?

Is it the fact that CHRISTIAN is stamped on it?

I'm not downing them just wondering what's your take on it.


Purity......

[Forum Administrator]

Hi purity.  I talked a little about "he who finds a wife..." in the post Deciphering the hints, aka does she like me?. Here is a snippet:

Proverbs 18:22 says He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. Have you ever thought about that word find? At first glance, we might be tempted to think it means something discovered that was sought after or searched for, and that is indeed one of the meanings of that word. But there are many other meanings also. Here are a few:

To come upon, often by accident; meet with.

To come upon or discover by searching or making an effort

To discover or ascertain through observation, experience, or study

To perceive to be, after experience or consideration

To experience or feel

To recover (something lost)

To recover the use of; regain

To succeed in reaching; arrive at (e.g. The dart found its mark)

To obtain or acquire by effort

To decide on and make a declaration about (e.g. All the jurors found him guilty)

To furnish; supply.

To bring (oneself) to an awareness of what one truly wishes to be and do in life.

To perceive (oneself) to be in a specific place or condition (e.g. found herself at home that night; found himself drawn to the stranger.)
The scripture does not specify which "find,"  so perhaps it could be any of the above. I've heard of some brothers who "acquire" their wives' affection "through [much] effort." Others were busy doing other things and weren't really "looking" but "discovered" their wives along the way. Some "perceive" their wives "after experience or consideration." Some through "observation." Only God knows how you'll "find" her.

My point was/is that there are many ways that a man can "find" a wife.

That being said, as far as Christian (or other) dating services, I cannot make an overall general statement about them because I would suppose that each one has its individual purpose and design based on the ideas of the visionary. You may have noticed that I promote eHarmony on Deep Waters. I very carefully select what is promoted here because I want to make sure that what is promoted is in line with what Deep Waters is all about. I do not, however, consider eHarmony a "dating" service.

eHarmony is designed for people who are serious about finding someone to marry. Marriage is the goal of eHarmony, not dating from one person to the next. I promote it because I have personally found the counsel and methodology of its founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, to be godly, insightful and extremely helpful. I also promote it because it forces people to first gain a better understanding of themselves via the Personality Profile (which I also strongly recommend). It also limits your contact to people whose personality profiles are compatible with yours (which forces you to make selections based more on character than superficial qualities). It helps you to ask the necessary questions and promotes communication at a deeper level than most would encounter in simple dating scenarios. One of the best ways to meet someone is by recommendation of someone else who knows that person well. That is in effect what eHarmony facilitates. They don't put you in a forum of people with hopes that you might find someone with whom you may be compatible (as perhaps some other dating services do); eHarmony instead takes the time to dig into your personality (via the personality profile and other questions) and then recommends you to others that are most compatible with you based on the profiles presented.

So, as I said to a group of ladies recently, it is true that he who finds a wife finds a good thing, but God did not specify how the finding will take place. The Bible also says, "seek and you will find." Who's to say he isn't "seeking" through a service such as eHarmony? So in that regard I say, be findable and that means more than just being in a place where you think "he" might be looking. It also means being prepared to be found and being worth finding. Whether you choose to use eHarmony or some other means, the most important thing to remember is that God has the final say. With that as your guiding principle, you are free to use any resources available to you as long as they as based on and support the principles of God's word. 

P.S. If you're interested in checking out eHarmony, click here: Personality Profile (which, by the way,  is FREE) or click on the appropriate eHarmony banner at the top of the forum page.

[purity]

Thanks Forum Administrator for your reply! You're always on point!!

Likewise I have found Dr. Warren to be very helpful in his knowledge of relationships. No question about that! I have also taken the personality profile (which I found out about here at Deepwaters). Although I did not pursue the site any further I did find the personality profile to be extremely helpful and so true. I learned some very important things about me so that was a good thing!

Thanks for your insight! Maybe I was a bit narrow-minded about the Christian Dating services. I would never want to knock the vision God has given anyone!

Purity~

[Forum Administrator]

You're welcome. I'm sure there are varying opinions/perspectives when it comes to this subject. I'm glad you found mine helpful.

[Gerard Henry]

Hello Purity...

I am old school generally speaking.  You are right in your thoughts but some
may say that by putting your information out there is not actually trying to
"find" a mate... rather, being in a position of being found.

I believe that often the energies of singles can be invested in so many
powerful areas that advance the kingdom of God that time devoted for a
relationship is non-existent.  It is often in the process of pursuing your
purpose in God that 'he' will find you and you will be found.  You want a
purpose-driven brother anyway.  It helps with compatability issues.

If I had to endorse a particular service, it would be eHarmony.  They have a
strong counselor's background and biblical foundation.

So, that's a perspective...

Gerard Henry

[Theresa McFaddin]

I definitely ditto what my brother Gerard has stated.  I am not real familiar with the eHarmony site, but I am familiar with it's creator, Dr. Neil Clark Warren.  I have found his books to be very balanced, wise and biblically sound.  He takes the "fantasy" out of the equation and focuses on singles being healthy.

But I as Gerard stated, I believe that getting busy will run you into a man with like focus.  Be the single that is properly committed to Christ first.  In addition, make sure you are healthy too, so that when you are found... the relationship will have endurance, and you will keep your attraction focused on another healthy single.  This will keep you focused and not get you off track, which is what happens to many relationships.  People can often get so into just finding a "person" that they forget to find the "right" person!

Blessings!

[Lotusblossom]

Well, I am a little tired, but felt compelled to make a comment regarding dating services.  I agree that God will prepare the right man for you, but we must be prepared to recieve him as well. Being the perfect Christian will not bring you the perfect Godly man, the church is filled with disfunctional souls that is why we go, to feel redeemed and ask for God to place us on a path that is right in his site.

Ladies, we face a whole new world, and many men and women are lost in the world of dating, me too!  I have found that as a young single person, I am faced with such challenges as: men wanting to be women, lesbianism, perversion and unhealthy traits of sexuality.  We are consumed with things that are far off from what a relationship is. Today we face being alone in our middle ages before getting married.  I have been asked why I don't date, or have been accused of playing hard to get.  Ignorance of some never fails. Choice... if i don't stand for something, I will fall for anything, and I have.  As a person who choose to live with integrity, I want to be a better person,  I want to reach for a future of hope, knowing I have gain something from my past.  Both Men and Woman are guilty of looking for fast gratification.  No one wants to invest in one person, that's too much work, well reality is IT IS WORK! This doesn't mean be a stiff Christian> I found their is freedom in serving the Lord and it has help me cope with issues of the heart and life in genral.  I am learning the value of who I am and who God is preparing me to be, for the right Man, not a riightous man, or pefection, but and man who seeks God first, so that he can remove those things from his past, in order to build a future to take on a wife.

And yes I agree, a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, even the Bible says that, however we are faced with the ugly truths, that a lot of men want other men, and you even have those men who take on a wife, but still find solice and comfort from a man.  Why?

These dating sites I have found is a breeding place for people to hide behind the truth, and its done under the false pretense its a Christina site, well surprise there are some bad christians too.  Even on the Christian Sites I have found men to be less than Chrisitan like, or they sale themsleves to be something they're not.  Leave the sales pitch for CARS and REALESTATE! If you advertise you are available, then why are you still married, or in divorce? etc issues.  Its sort of sick and many of us are afraid of rejection. You're not ready!Maybe the men that responded to me, were just not the right type of men.  Also if someone spells out to you what they are looking for, if you're not that, then don't waste someones time.  Its amazing the lies and extremes people will go to try and get the best one, knowing that they have no good intentions.  Who wants to date like that!

I am certain all have taken a look in the mirror and know that you are not everything to everybody. I found on these sites that Men of all ages would email me, old, very old, and nothing of what I described I liked, why?  Becasue of their egos, they feel they have what i want.  But what I also found is that, men are very picky of women. Even if they themselves are not so attractive, they tend to go after the woman they can't have, and women we tend to settle. 

I had to get a reality check.  These sites are not for me! I think that both men and women who seek healthy relationships, need to continue to become healthy, stop trying to find your other half and become a whole person.  We need to stop falling in love, and stand up in love, knowing with it comes responsibility, and when you step up to say this is the one, you don't have doubts because you have discussed with him/her your past, your issues today, and the future you wish to build as individuals and as a couple.  Anyway,

Even with all this said, I say it is harder than ever. I don't have the answers, and I am doing my part to clean up own my life.  If I am doing this, then I shouldn't have to accept someone who hasn't done the same.  I don't need a wounded and broken mate.

How do you even begin to date someone?  When is the right guy the right guy?  How do you know who's honest and true?  Although I would like to find that special someone, I am doing some work on myself.  Through my experience of success and failures, I now have a greater understanding of what it might take to be a wife, a friend,  a partner.  No one wants to admit they fail at relationships, but to me I think if you learn something from them, you will possibly have a chance to get it right next time around.  But that's called dating! Today's dating is all about sex!  I have compromised in this area
many times before in my relationships and found that It didn't get me any closer to finding that right guy.  I found that it set me back, and I had to re learn lessons that I should have learned before. Now how stupid is that, but we all do it, LOL!  As I began to find value in myself and how God is working in my life, it has changed my views about many things.  Reagrdless of when he comes I have definate opinons of what I feel I will accept in my life, how will be able to express it more effectively, I've gain better listening skills, and don't have to keep learning this over and over again. I don't have to be a victim, and I can live a healthy full life having friends, family, and relationships while on this journey.
Whomever finds me and I choose to share his life with me.

And once again, I say this... Stop looking for your soulmates, and look for people who seek God in their souls.  No falling in love, stand up so you don't have to look back with regrets. And you want another whole person, so you are to complete partners and you can weather the storms, even if half of you blow away, smile!  Don't be afraid to seek counsel and healing to improve a better you.  Well, I am sleepy now so unfortunately I am going to close with wishing us all blessed days ahead, and may that special someone meant for each of us be given unto us right on time, Amen!

Light out, nite nite!
Peace 
 

[bishopbiscuits]

Lotusblossom ,
........I don't see any problem with pursuing another avenue to meet people. I do take issue with people choosing to be deceptive, though.
........I did join at one time a couple of services. Eharmony, and one that shall remain nameless. Eharmony's process was pretty thorough, and it allowed for better screening of potential matches.
.......The other had a nice sounding name, but I came across enough that did not add up, that I left it alone.
......I don't believe that the path of meeting is as important as what people choose to bring to the table of fellowship. It is one thing to join becasue you are just needy, another thing if you are interested in a complement to your life,  with God being actively involved in your selection process. Finding enough good qualities to make someone of interest makes them just that; an interesting person to you.
.........Over time, you must still evaluate relationships that have potential, regardless of method of introduction. Try the spirit by the Spirit, watch, and pray. On yourself, and the relationship.
.........To some the answer will be "no", to a few "maybe-wait." No matter how the relationship starts, there is still time and work, and revelation to take place before you can get to the "yes." 
..........So, I appreciate your experience, because I have come across some of what you have. All services are not the same. However, the members are what the service has to offer.
........I still feel that a Christian dating service can be an asset. There is no perfect prescription for meeting people, but what people choose to bring to their fellowship is what's most important.

[Lotusblossom]

>> bishopbiscuits

I agree with what you are saying, however, deception is not good for whatever reasons, not that laying it all on the line will give you that golden moment I just feel if you are choosing to say hey I would like to meet someone who has x,y,and z, qualities, but your truth is not that, then you defeat the purpose.  I say, wherever God sends us to meet someone, then so be it, because with anything there are risk, you have to take risk in life

Regardless of the present state of being single, I know what God has promised me,at the same time I will do what I can to prepare myself, you can't wait until you are in a relationship to do this.  When its right hopefully we both will know and will be ready.  If a man knows what he wants it should not take yrs of dating her to know, not if you have spent time getting to know each other. I think the key is to enjoy and have fun, because when you find that person, it should not be difficult, Love isn't hard, painful and difficult, not when its of God.  I think we need to get the fantasies out of our heads and face what is real about ourselves and that person we love.  Yes trials will come, but it is how we choose to weather the storms. This can divide you, or you will stand united.  Both people if serving the Lord will know what is required by God to have this person and a healthy lifestyle.

This is not to say people shouldn't always work on the relationship, but I think women for the most part tend to have a mind set of being rescued by Mr. Right, but the truth is we need to stand in Love knowing that marriage though bonded by love, it is a business, and you have to put the work hours in to make it work.  Both People .
You cannot fall in love with potential, not as an Adult, this works when you are in high school and college, not for a solid marriage. If a Man is not ready to take on a wife, he needs to stay single.  We think we can change a man, but he is who he is, and they usualy tell us who they are, but we think we can fix him, NOT! It is only through knowing the Lord will he gain a better understanding of what is required of him to be a mate, husband, partner.  I know that men have a great weight on their shoulders because they are taught to not show their emotions, to be the leader, be strong, but sometimes they are weak and need someone to uplift them, and encourage them as well.  We both need to lay aside our egos and titles and handle the business, marriage takes both people to give of themselves.

FYI: Hey have you notice I am practicing using the emoticons, Smile
I appreciate you instructing me on how to use them.

Anyway, I think you are on the right track when you say Christian
dating is good, but we need actual Christians that live it,  it will make the road better.  We all have our short comings, but its much more pleasant when two people come together with that understanding.

My view even about marriage has changed, but from all the people that have spoken to me about relationships both couples who have been together over 40 years, people who only for a few years and others who divorced, from a diverse cultures and background and varied faiths, have said that if they thought about relationships the way I do at my age , then they would have done better in marriage.  I don't have the answers to perfect divine order, I am just one soul who choose to make the journey and I hope to have learned something from that which cross my path.

So, on that note you have a blessed and frutiful journey, and thanks for sharing your thoughts and insight with me.  Never to late to learn something that at least makes you think    

[christianthought]

Hello all, it's been a while since I weighed in, but I just HAD to do so, as I am thinking about this topic myself.

I just think that God can bring the right person when the time is right.  I am in the middle of wanting the right person and trying to pursue God's plan for my life, which includes continuing in ministry and returning to school for my M.Ed.

I have a little extra money set aside, and there is a couple of dating sites that I have been thinking about paying for, in order to write back and forth with people (some who have already written me!) 

My mother feels that the internet is not meant for that.  On the other hand, one of my friends say that he know someone who met his wife online.

I think that getting busy with your purpose and destiny is more important, and that in the process, God will send the right person when the time is right.  I THINK this, but still am not sure, as I am in the situation, and not through it.   

[Gracious]

"...eHarmony is designed for people who are serious about finding someone to marry. Marriage is the goal of eHarmony, not dating from one person to the next. I promote it because I have personally found the counsel and methodology of its founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, to be godly, insightful and extremely helpful. I also promote it because it forces people to first gain a better understanding of themselves via the Personality Profile (which I also strongly recommend)..."

TRUE WISDOM!!! AMEN!!!

Posted by: Gerard Henry  Posted on: March 22, 2005, 04:37:48 PM[/b]

"...It is often in the process of pursuing your purpose in God that 'he' will find you and you will be found.  You want a purpose-driven brother anyway..."

To the point my brother...AMAZINGLY INSIGHTFUL!!!...especially "FOR" them that are single -n- searchin'!!!

Posted by: Theresa McFaddin  Posted on: March 31, 2005, 12:21:51 PM

"...Be the single that is properly committed to Christ first.  In addition, make sure you are healthy too, so that when you are found... the relationship will have endurance, and you will keep your attraction focused on another healthy single.  This will keep you focused and not get you off track, which is what happens to many relationships.  People can often get so into just finding a "person" that they forget to find the "right" person!

Blessings!"

Yes!!!...Those "pearls" are definitely blessings of affirmation for me...

Thank you!!!


Dear Purity:

Thank "YOU" for introducing this thread...

From you all (moderators & members), I am able to look at my own relationship with OUR Heavenly Father (first), even more clearly. Through all who've posted I see bits & pieces of where I was, where I am now & where I am aspiring!!!...Appreciating the atmospheric tone (spiritual - honest, inciteful & LUUUVING) of this thread / of this cite!!!

Though I have Mr. RIGHT for me...there are areas in my life that need work!!!... Amen?

Hopefully...the way some have encouraged us to understand the difference between "clean & unclean vehicles & vessels" - Dating Services vs. Vehicles committed towards finding someone to MARRY... AND...making SURE we are healthy BEFORE we engage in looking...SHOULD give folk' like me & them that are single & searchin'...HEALTHY / POSITVE food for thought!!!

"Learnin' how to "wade" in  Da'...DEEP WATERS

Thank ya' LORD!!!

Gracious