When to give up?

[ANewDay]

I have been married five years, and most of those years my husband has been unfaithful to me.  The last year has been the roughest  for me , because I myself have commited adultrey.  My husband have no idea , one because even though he has hurt me many times I don't want to hurt him, and two he don't expect that kind of behavior from me.  We have two  sons (1&4) who means the world to both of us, and only want the best, but this is getting out of hand.
Shortly after ending the affair I was having I found out he was having one too.  I have caught him twice with this women, and the last time I went to jail, because she press charges on me for starlking.(I never did no such thing) if I went around it was  for my husband not her. the first time he told me he was not seeing this lady anymore but that prove to be wrong.  Right now I don't know what to do things are better for me for as stress wise, but I am really hurt that my husband would let things go this far.  This women works with my husband and It's hard to trust when she is always around.  I am very scared  of this outcome, I tell my husband all the time that if that is were he wants to be he can go, but he want.  We go the church every Sunday and I don't think he feel any remorse.  Yes, I do feel bad about what I have done and know one in this world will ever come before my husband, but I can't say he feel the same about me.  Yes he is trying to make things work, he say he want his family and that he do love me.  He works at night and I work in the day time and it's hard to trust when I'm not around.  Please give me some advice to overcome this anxiety I have about this issue.  All I want is a faithful, christian husband.  And their is no doudt in my heart that I can be that faithful christian wife.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello ANewDay. Welcome to Deep Waters. No matter how young or old a marriage is, as I said in my article Trust Issues,

"Trust is vital to the good success of a relationship. It allows us to feel secure and gives us hope. When we trust, we do not feel suspicious or threatened; we are able to believe the best. We build trust based on our expectancy of the one with whom we are involved to be faithful. We must be faithful to the integrity of our relationships: not only sexual integrity, but also the integrity of our word, our financial matters, our actions in and towards our relationship, and even our very thoughts. The building and maintenance of trust should be a consistent goal in our relationships, and if trust has been broken, a consistent commitment to faithfulness over time will be required in order to regain that trust. trust is vital to the good success of a relationship."

If you are serious about your commitment to your marriage--and I believe you are--you must be prepared to do what it takes to rebuild trust and regain intimacy. That starts with a commitment to change and honesty. Your marriage can never be all that it can be while there is a cloud of deceit hanging over it. The question you have not directly asked is whether or not you should confess your affair to your husband. In your particular instance, I believe you should and here are some reasons why.

You have indicated your desire and willingness to "be that faithful Christian wife." If you do not tell your husband about the affair, what would happen if your husband should at some point ask you if you've ever had an affair? A couple options come to mind: you could lie (indirectly or directly) and say/suggest that you have not had an affair; or you could tell him the truth and say that you did have an affair. If you lie, you will introduce yet another level of deceit into your marriage. If you wait until your husband asks to tell the truth, you will prove yourself to be someone untrustworthy. Either way, you will defeat your own cause of rebuilding trust and regaining intimacy in your marriage.

If on the other hand, you confess the affair to your husband you open up several opportunities. First you remove the burden of secrecy, guilt and deceit that you are now carrying. You have the opportunity to tell your own stuff the way you want to tell it and for the reasons you want to tell it. Confession brings healing (see James 5:14) not just for yourself but for your relationship also. You also open up lines of communication and give room for the opportunity to not only discuss the affair (yours and his), but also to discuss the reasons why the affairs happened in the first place. Adultery is a symptom of something else happening in the marriage on a deeper level. You'll need to get to the root of the problem.

The thought of confessing is scary I'm sure, but you have to face a problem before you can fix it, and you have to take responsibility for your contribution to the problem before you can begin to address your husband's contribution to it (Matthew 7:2-5). There are consequences for our actions. You are already suffering from some of those consequences. But if you must suffer, why not suffer for doing what is right? Free yourself up. Confess your faults to God first: He will forgive you (James 1:9). Renew your commitment to being "that faithful Christian wife" armed with the understanding of the level of honesty and integrity that is required of you in order to keep that commitment. Then confess your affair to your husband and have the courage to face the consequences. Give your marriage a chance to be healed. If you want God to work through you for the healing and restoration of your marriage, remove the blockage so that His love, healing and power can flow through you.

Do not think that because I have not spoken to what you have said about your husband's infidelity I am ignoring that issue. I am not. Once you have set yourself free, you have a responsibility to confront your husband about his infidelity. (Please see the post My husband has other ladies for more details about that.) But what is most important is your responsibility before God. God will not ask you about your husband: He will ask you about how you are conducting yourself as a godly wife. Likewise, God will not ask your husband about you: He will require an answer of your husband for how he treats you as his wife. You cannot take responsibility for his actions, only your own.

As far as your worrying about what your husband might be doing with the other women, surrender your control and recognize where your strength lies. God is in control and with Him, you can face and go through anything! Set your boundaries (as indicated in the post referred to above) and recognize that "you shall not surely die." If your husband doesn't change, you shall not surely die. If he leaves, you shall not surely die. If the worst you can imagine happens you shall not surely die! Whatever comes, with God's help you can face it and get through. Once you grasp that reality, you will not be scared anymore.

Remember also the awesome power you have in prayer. Keep your heart clear before God (Psalm 66:18) so that your prayers will not be hindered, and then PRAY! Pray for your husband. Pray for your marriage. Pray for yourself. Be specific and detailed in your prayers (Philippians 4:6-8). As the old song goes, "Tell Him what you want!" Why worry when you can pray? Worry can't change a thing, but God through prayer can!

I've sprinkled scriptural references throughout this post. Please look them up and read them. I will also be posting some additional relevant information in the Catch of the Day category that I believe will be helpful to you.

This is "ANewDay" and there is hope for your marriage. Some of the strongest marriages are those who have weathered storms of adversity, infidelity, tragedy, etc., and some of the strongest people are those who have put their trust in God when they face the same. When to give up? When you have no hope, then give up... but as long as there is God, there is hope! 

[Forum Administrator]

Hello ANewDay. Two new articles have been added to the Catch of the Day that may interest you:

The First Steps Toward Healing [Recovering From Adultery]

Avoiding Emotional Adultery