Serious issues

[manofgod]

Hello gentlemen (and ladies that might read this),
   This is my first post, and I am sorry that it is so serious, but I am having some problems that I believe will cause bigger problems if left alone, and since a reliable friend suggested this forum, I thought it wise to utilize it.
   To the point:  I am an Associate Minister at my church, however I deal with masturbation and pornography regularly.  I have been struggling with these issues for almost 10 years, which seems to especially problematic as I am not very old (under 30).  I have been dealing with these issues for my entire adult life.  I regularly minister to people, and the overwhelming majority of the time, the day before I minister, it is easy to be strong.  Any other day is another matter altogether.
   I don't want to necessarily forfeit or postpone my purpose and destiny in ministry, but I cannot allow myself to be viewed as God's man and live a double life.  I have also been single for an extended period of time, which makes the situation especially perilous.  Over the last two days, by God's grace I have not indulged myself with any online indiscretions; however, a young lady friend of mine came over, and I participated in an indiscretion (not sex, but not far from it).
   I want to be free to be used by God however He wants to use me; this appears to be THE serious blight on my record.  I am a little apprehensive, because God is using me, and it appears that I may be "promoted" in regard to my ministry in the near future, and I don't want to be the pastor of a church dealing with this sin.  I find myself hesitant to minister on sexual addictions because I have one (at least, that's what I think it is, in addition to it being a self control issue).  I definitely need any help that can be offered.  Thanks for reading my long post.  :-/

[bishopbiscuits]

Dear Manofgod,

......Welcome. Your post wasn't long at all.  My heart goes out to you, because I know that the struggle is real.
....... There is no quick fix, but you are at a point where you can begin a turnaround in facing this issue. How? By becoming more proactive in your understanding and approach towards your desires.
....... If you go to an emergency  room, and have anything stuck in you, the first thing they will do is clear the area around the wound, clean the exposed part of the wound, get an x-ray or scans to see what's below the surface, then execute a plan to remove the foreign object, and seal the wound. After that, the body may be in discomfort for a while, but it will recover.
 .......1.CLEAR YOUR AREA.  This involves the removal of all physical material in your home whose purpose or effect is to tempt you into impurity. Destroy vhs tapes/dvd's, change the available channels that you receive!  Clean house, and don't justify hanging on to something with the thought "I don't really need to get rid of this one thing. I can resist the temptation from this, because most of it isn't part of my temptation." That one little part will draw you back when you're not paying good attention!
 ........2.REPENT AND PRAY. Pray confessing to the Lord not just the sin, but whatever issues, thoughts, or feelings that come up. They may be connected to your desires in unexpected ways.
.......The great thing is, whatever we bring up from the depths of our hearts, GOD CAN HANDLE IT! Set aside some truly separate, uninterrupted time to cast all your care upon Him. Don't get caught up in being formal or pretty with your words. God wants total access to our hearts. He  has no fear of what He might find in us(He knows already),  and is to the utmost able to  meet every unmet, or misfed need of our hearts.
 .......3.REVELATION. Get ready to take notes! When we get still, and are ready to hear from God, He begins to teach us about ourselves. Sometimes we need to just be aware of what is presented to us and given out by us to begin to truly recognize our environment and our heart. God will show you insight on both.
....Sometimes  instant replay of a moment with a spiritual sensitivity is the means by which revelation occurs. For instance, I am 30 and single. Sometimes I am busy and forget that I have desires for physical and emotional intimacy. I'll just be going about my day when a LOOK OVER THERE! WHAT? HER! WHAT ABOUT HER? moment comes. Being caught off guard, I would pause for a moment, not necessarily looking at someone any longer, but I am then fighting the temptation to entertain temptation!
........One day, at a supermarket I saw someone and this tide started coming in again. My mind was lit up with a sky full of ideas ranging from loneliness, intrigue, to just random possibilities. But this time something was dropped in my spirit. "You can let it go." She was not the "answer" that I 'felt' I needed while in a  moment. And when I focused on that for a moment, the anxiety and struggle went away at that time.
..........If you have ever been tired of waiting, or had a lack of hope that began making you desparate in any way in your desire for a mate (or sex), Satan has been paying attention. Seeking what he can hook into your desires, weave into your wants, and turn these things into what seems like needs (while distracting us from the One who meets our needs).Then he looks to set up a "Panic attack", with your own thoughts, desires, and the things of this world as his tools.  
..........Even good things and relationships can be perverted/twisted into forms tht God did not have in mind. So we must be watchful and keep a "first aid kit" of the Word and rhema revelation available for such a time as this.
 ........4. BE DILIGENT and LET the PURGE TAKE ITS COURSE. Purification is a process that we must work through. Things buried in your spirit and mind may come out during this time. Let God give you wisdom, strength, and the courage to put these things in perspective. Though your past may have grieved you, don't get into a self-condemnation trap! GIVE EVERY THOUGHT AND FEELING  TO GOD. Every thought in this area  that has not been released to Him can become the beginnings of a new stronghold, and in time cause the rebuilding of old ones. By His Word and His Spirit determine how you should perceive and minister to yourself, as a creature no longer a helpless victim to the enemy's assualts, but MIGHTY THROUGH GOD!
 .......5 TAKE IT DAY BY DAY MOMENT BY MOMENT. This is not about a quick fix, but a lifestyle change. You will continuously have to determine what does and doesn't belong in your life. Becoming reshapen, refined, and developing a lasting peace in an area that gave you strife. Be faithful, watchful, and patient.
........Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning!

..Some other Posts that may be of encouragement:
Pure springs: Am I a Sex Addict?
Pure springs:Topic: Maintaining Sexual Integrity
The Lighthouse [Singles Issues]:The Life of Singleness
Jump right in: Masturbation
Pure Springs: Recalcitrant

Be encouraged, brother

[David Dupree]

Hello ManofGod and welcome to deepwaters.  

Thank you for your openness and honesty concerning this issue.  

BishopBiscuits has very concisely responded to you.  But I do have a couple of things that I would suggest in addition.  

I refer you specifically to study Hebrews chapter 12.  But for now let me focus on 12:1.."Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,"

I would admonish you to do the same.  Since you have so many people, known and unknown, counting on you, (your physical cloud of witnesses) you need to LAY IT ASIDE.  Meaning you have to be very proactive in this situation.  So if you know you like to go to porn sites on the internet-block them and stop it.  Tell yourself that the "Greater is He in me than he that is in the world" will not allow you to go to those sites any longer.  My brother, God wants you to be a success story.  God wants you to overcome this challenge.  He will give you the help to do it.  As the old folks would say, if you make one step, He'll make two.  

If your member is telling you to masterbate, you tell your member that your spirit man says no and that is who is in charge. Why let the little head rule the big head?  p.s. all those stories about you having to do that are untrue and your member will not fall off if you don't. :-)

If a ladyfriend comes by who you know is a willing participant in "close to sex" butnotintercourse activities, tell her that you must keep your temple pure and shun the very appearance of evil (sin).  Then apologize for misleading her and have repentent prayer with her.  Then continue to appreciate her friendship.  If she meant to be a friend, she will adhere to the set boundaries.  If not, she will dissappear.

You have to remember these 3 points my Pastor preached in a sermon once:
1) let the weak say "I am strong"
2) BE strong
3) because greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.

You must know that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness.  II Corinthians 12:9.  Therefore in your weakness you will find the strength of the Lord.  That way we stay humble and know that we cannot arrive lest the Lord brings us to the destination.  Unless the Lord builds the house we labor in vain who build it.

On down in Hebrews 12 at verse 4 it says that "Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin."  Meaning you have not resisted your sin to the point of recalling what Jesus' shed blood on the cross was about--empowering you to strive/overcome every temptation.  The scriptures even tell us that with every temptation there is a way of escape.  I Cor. 10:13 You must escape.  

Now check out verse 9- "Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?"  

Don't let your member or your "alleged addiction" be the father of your flesh, but be subject to correction by the Father of your spirit.  

You have the victory, if you want it.  

n.b. I am concerned, however, that you are near to come up for a promotion to pastor and are carrying this infirmity.  If you don't want this infirmity to carry over into your soon coming congregation then you must work to overcome it now!  As I am sure you are aware, most pastors that fall make the news not because of monetary concerns, but due to sexual improprieties with the parishioners.  Strive to not let that become your lot.  Overcome now and then work to stay in an overcomer's posture (on your knees) lest you fall prey to the temptation which is sure to come once the enemy sees that you mean business in fleeing sin.

Finally, my brother, recall back in Heb. 12:1 the clause which says "let us run with patience the race set before us."  Be patient with yourself and with God in this process.  That doesn't mean take your time in setting yourself apart from your infirmity.  But it does mean IF you have moments of failure, be patient with yourself and get back up again. But keep striving to be free.

dd

[Dennis Sawyers]

ManOfGod,

In addition to the wealth of information and support that has been provided to you from the brothers who have responded already, I'd like to encourage you from the book of Jude.

Verse 23 three admonishes us to hate even the garments stained by sin--be tough on your sin (merciful on the sinner).  Make no ocassion for the flesh.  If you find significant difficulty with overcoming the computer pornography, give serious consideration to getting rid of the computer altogether until you are able to walk in deliverance.  It is possible.

With regard to masturbating, you need to make yourself accountable to someone who is godly and full of integrity--someone who won't passify you, but challenge you to stand strong.

Verse 24 says that God is able to keep you from falling.  This is a powerful truth.  For more than 11 years now, the Lord has kept me out of romantic and sexual relationships with other men.  At times it has been difficult, but His keeping power is so very real.  I bless His righteous name for how He has helped me to honor my testimony.  I'm not miserable.  I'm not ashamed.  I'm FREE!

The Lord has gone further and given me desires for a woman.  These aren't conjured or otherwise fake.  I've been married for more than a decade.  I have three beautiful children, and The Father has given me the grace and strength to be commited and faithful to my family.

While your issue may not have to do with homosexuality, it does have to do with perversion--perverted or unintended views of sexuality.  God is able to keep you from falling and present you faultless.  He can work so wonderfully in your life that your own garments will no longer be stained with sin.  No one will be able to tell the depths of sin you have been in because the work of God in your life will make you completely new.

Hold on man, and know that you have a life line in the deep waters.  Reach out anytime.

Much love to you,
Dennis

[Gerard Henry]

The issue of pornography is not uncommon among males at some point in the
journey into manhood but must be aggressively confronted or it will become a
destructive force throughout their lives.  So I want to thank you for having
the courage to share your struggles with us.

Let me highlight a few things to increase your sense of urgency:

1. Yes, the enemy wants to use this issue to muzzle your spiritual authority
and integrity
2. He wants to taint the anointing upon you to minister to others with a
residue of lust and perversion.
3. He wants to create an insatiable appetite that will make it difficult for
your future wife to satisfy you sexually... thus breaking the flow of
intimacy in your relationship.

The key thing that destroys lust and perversion is love.  I don't know if
you have any biological sisters but if there are any women in your life that
you truly care about, how entertaining would it be to watch them in a
pornographic movie?  If you love them, your heart would grieve... because
you recognize the defilement and violation taking place.

Now you can't operate at that level of love if you are not tapped into God's
love shed abroad in your heart (Roms 5).  This comes through consistent
intimacy with Christ.  Might I suggest that you may be more concerned about
this struggle based on how it can impact your REPUTATION and MINISTRY vs.
your Intimacy with Christ?  Understand that you were created to worship and
will bestow your affections somewhere.  Demons are literally seducing you
away from where your worship is to be directed.  So now, while you
understand how to operate in ministry and be a vessel blessing God's people,
you're feeding off a false sense of intimacy with demons through the vehicle
of pornography.

Those spirits will intoxicate you to the point where the appetite craves for
more.  The thing you must do now is take steps that weakens the power and
literally closes the door that invited those spirits to have a place in your
life.  Here are some recommendations based on my own experiences on both
sides of the table.

1. Commit to fast for a period of time as an act of repentance for the sins
participated in.
2. Repent for pride, fear of exposure, idolatry (placing lust & perversion
over the presence of God)
3. Renounce, literally state from your heart: "I renounce the spirit of
pornogrophy, perversion, and lust in the name of Jesus.  I break every tie
estabished and close every door, in the name of Jesus!"
4. Visualize yourself closing those doors and covering it with the blood
Jesus shed to purchase our forgiveness and deliverance from those
strongholds.
5. Begin to celebrate and praise God for the victory He has given you in
Jesus Christ (Please note that this should be a natural response as you
would sense the presence of God flooding your soul, washing you clean from
the perversions you have embraced.)
6. Tell a close trusted male friend (peer in ministry) what you are walking
through and the sincere need for accountability.
7. Have that friend come to your home and set passwords in a security
software that prohibits pornographic activity on computers.
8. Remove any cable stations (HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, etc.) that airs
pornography of any form from your televisions.
9. Refrain from watching music videos or anything that will stimulate the
desires for pornography.
10. DO NOT ALLOW ANY WOMEN IN YOUR HOME without another person present.  
Even when you are courting you want to have strong boundaries that doesn't
allow you to be in a compromising position.
11. Lastly, share your struggle with a spiritual father and inform him of
the steps you are taking.  If he says you need to slow down regarding
ministry, do so....

God is after YOU more so than what you DO for him.  He doesn't want
ministry to become an idol either... so don't worry about that.  You want to
discover Jesus as the LOVER OF YOUR SOUL.... trust me, when you have
intercourse with God....  nothing can compare.

Peace and Blessings,

Gerard Henry

[christianthought]

Wow...very wise responses (Like I expected anything less).  I know that I am weighing in a little late, but I have a couple of questions and comments about some of the steps suggested by Brother Henry.

I would have to say that the big one would be accountability.  I have noticed, and maybe it's just me, but there is definitely a different culture in predominantly African American churches as opposed to predominantly White churches (I was trying to think of a more oblique way of saying that).  One of the big things (and there are too many for me to talk about) is accountability.  As a person in a similar ministry role, I have confided in more than one brother about my personal struggles (which aren't necessarily that different).  Out of all of the people that I have spoken with, everyone has been relatively open to what I had to say, and have in turn opened up to me.  But nobody maintains the accountability.  There is no follow up, periodical or otherwise.  I have a problem with that.  I would like to say that it is just men, but I don't think so.  "Cultural differences" perhaps?

Secondly, another thing that I know is that if you are looking for something, then you will find it (I tell people that all of the time).  Maybe having internet isn't good for some people.  But that isn't really the issue.  This issues are the desires that we have.  If you don't submit the desires, then even if you eliminate one outlet, they will find another, ie inviting a young lady over for "indiscretions."  If you are looking for pornography, then you can get it online, even with filters, because that is what you have effectively set your mind to doing.  It occurs to me that one would have to put effort in going to God with his motivations and expression of his desires, and not necessarily the desires themselves.  I know that somebody has prayed for God to remove their sex drive.  I can tell you that this doesn't work!  

One thing that is working for me is guarding my thoughts.  I monitor what I hear and see, but I have even started monitoring what I thing about.  No "unauthorized thoughts," because that fuels the direction in which your life is going.  Like another post said (I think) chastity and celibacy are not the same thing.  Celibacy is outward, and chastity is inward.  If you are merely attempting to be celibate, but are really looking for an unauthorized outlet for your sexual energy (since you are single, there is no "authorized" sexual activity, btw), then you will find it.  Because that is what your mind is set upon.  But as you starve the thoughts that reinforce the actions that are undesireable (to say the least), then you are in essence combating the real problem.  Behaviors are determined by thoughts, not vice versa.

Lastly, the main thing for me has been to get in the Word.  I believe that we can initiate "good habits," or stop "bad habits" temporarily, but it takes the discipline of reading the Bible to maintain any sort of lasting victory.  People that I have talked with say that they battle their particular temptations for the rest of their lives, so it's never like you were before you had to deal with that issue.  Without the power of Holy Spirit, you can't maintain any victory in your life, and I don't believe that you can be led by the Spirit if you never read your Bible.  Why do you think that SO may Christians have SUCH a hard time doing something as simple as reading even a couple of verses everyday?

Wow...that was way longer than I intended, but I wanted to put a couple of these things, especially accountability, on the table.  Maybe I am looking at it wrong, but of course I don't think so.  I guess I am just wondering how definitively and completely handle an issue and affect lasting change in a person's life (both mine and others)...even when people follow the steps we all give.  Because, having walked through a "serious issue" myself (and still walking, mind you), I know how easy it is to be free for a while and then fall back, or to feel discouraged to the point of dispair, to want to give in and give up, and to want to feel how it is to not be in bondage to something.  Maybe it's just me, but I am on something of a journey to find the power behind the words to change my life and the lives of others.  Because the issues brought out by the Man of God are more prevalent than we all think...

[christianthought]

Oh, one more thing.  I'm not saying to stay completely away from women, but you have to check even how you hug in church, because a simple hug on Sunday morning can trip you up for the rest of the week.  I don't think that we really look at the correlation between our influences and our behaviors.  Every behavior in which we engage has an influence.  So if you want to stop masturbating and looking at pornography (which I believe are two related but separate issues), then you have to ask Holy Spirit to reveal and sever the influences.  But you have to want to do that.  

Going too long again...flee youthful lusts.  Run away from the situation.  If Holy Spirit convicts you or makes you aware of a potential situation (which He will do), run away.  Don't even think about it.  Just run away. Youthful lusts is one of the few things that we are told to run away from.  

[jbritte2]

Hello,

Im sorry but I have to be assertive with this. As a female I want to STAND UP AND APPLAUD YOU.......Your response was a relief... I have given up hope...The biggest reason why men in the church fail in this area is because they dont hold each other accountable...James 5:16 - We need to confess our sins to one another and provide grace and point each other to the Word.

I have counseled and see so much devastation in marriages and personal lives. Its a secret sin....It has no symptoms except failed relationships and betrayal.

THis aint a race thang. White/black/asian/mexican - its a man thing.

Why, someone else why do you not hold each other up? Im tired of ministering to women and see them in tears picking up the pieces. This is one of the biggest devastations to the American Church and its not really preached from the pulpit? Its like you have to go spend alot of money to go to a special organization to get help.  There are even ignorant pastors who suggest that if wome relieved their man sexually it will all be okay - separate issue...Im heart broken....Accountability is the key....

Men of God - where is it?

[vevolander]

hi,

i also have trouble with masturbation.. maybe 15 years or so and almost everyday.
So when I fought it and able to stop for almost half a year, i was exuberant, but fellow friend who fought fell again, and I began to see a hole of past and start to fall also... not as bad, but its there... and i hated it...

its more like self defence system of enjoying lust...
but I try to see it as painkiller that isnt effective...
just a moment it feels good, but a lie... its not healing my problem... which maybe things subconscious that driven me unsettled and confused...

i read "Inside Out" by Dr. Larry Crabb... and i think he is right on the spot of the issue. It is not the masturbation that the problem lies... it is where our hearts and the why behind it...