Baby Momma Drama

[On_my_way]

I am married and a stepmom to an 8 year old boy.  Our son (my stepson) does not live with us.  Every since I met his mom there has been nothing but nastiness.  When I was dating my husband one of the first things I noticed was all the trouble he had with seeing his son and talking to his son etc.   He didn't want to let on to how bad things were, but eventually the truth came out.  He explained to me that he had been in and out of the courts and had been going through drama since the beginning. Basically, my stepson's mom appears to just be an angry, mean and spiteful individual.  I have never approached her in a rude or nasty way - I actually limit my conversation with her on those few occasions when we are in each others presence.  I normally have no problem ignoring nastiness from an individual but in this case our child is involved. It hurts so bad to see him hurting and to listen to the bogus lies she tells him and others (like his teachers, judges, etc) She never thinks about his needs and really endangers him mentally and emotionally (for example keeping him from seeing us, putting his education in jeopardy by allowing him to miss alot of school, telling him that we don't love him or we don't take care of him the right way, allowing him to wear unclean clothes...the list really goes on and on)  We hardly ever hear from our son and when my husband calls (which he does weekly) he usually gets hung up on or has to hear a rude comment.  She only calls our house when she needs something or when our son is in tears and she doesn't know what to do and even then she is always rude.  She never says hello or speaks politely.  We constantly have to remind her that she needs to call with respect or not at all.  I know that the number one commandment of God is to love one another.  I am really trying to love and be peaceful but it is HARD!  I pray for her, my family, and myself daily.  I guess I need HELP in my quest to be obedient to God's word with someone who is apparently consumed by the devil and whose every motive and mannerism has evil written all over it.  I know that we are not to sit, stand or walk with the ungodly - but what about ungodly individuals who are placed in your live for an indefinite season?  How do you find the strength or the means to love them inspite of?  Any guidance would be greatly appreciated!  

[Vikki Johnson]

You are dealing with several issues at once.  First of all, "His grace is sufficient" (1 Corinthian 9:12) to help you manage the madness.

Secondly, we are commanded in Matthew 5 to love them that hate us.  This is possible because loving others has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with what's in you.  "Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world" (1 John 4:4) and "you CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens you"(Philippians 4:13).  When your ways please God, He will make your enemies to be at peace with you. (Proverbs 16:7)

When you don't know what to do ~ do nothing and let God do His job.  Blending families is not easy.  I grew up in a blended family and when I was married, experienced a very similar scenario.  Your stepson is in the Lord's keeping. Continue to cover your stepson and your husband in prayer.   Children are very intuitive and resilient.

As it relates to interacting with your stepson's mother ~ don't.  Let his father do that until the Lord softens her heart.  Without knowing the whole story, I make the following suggestion only to let you know that your husband does have options ~ If there is concern for your stepson's well-being, maybe your husband needs to consider going back to court to revisit joint custody if possible.

Finally, God is working out something in you Sis.  Quite often, God puts what we need in people we don't like.  You are being stretched and your capacity is being increased for "more of God".  I encourage you to activate "the God in you" ~ if God be for you ~ that's enough because ALL things work together for our good (Romans 8:28 ) ~ even when things don't make sense.

[Patricia Ashley]

Dear On_my_way,

It is no easy task to have a working relationship with the kind of person you described in your Baby Mamma's Drama. Because there is a small child involved I would encourage you to work to find survival skills as you deal with her. There may never be a healthy relationship with her but you can continue to draw the lines and require that she respect you. Pray for her salvation and healing. Normally when people are as mean as you describe her as being, it is because they are in a lot of pain. They hurt so bad that they don't consider the feeling of anyone except their own, not even their own children.
 
It is important for you to forgive her and use every opportunity to encourage the child. As hard as you work to help the child I would encourage you to work just as hard not to give her any power over you. If you know that there will be drama be proactive and not reactive. Purpose to not let what she does or says find a resting place in your spirit. Know who you are dealing with and make the adjustments emotionally. Pray hard against any negative experience before you deal with her.

[deelee]

That is what I like about this site, Sis' Ashley and Johnson are right on the money. I have been in your shoes On My Way and no it is not easy, I also grew up in a blended family.  All but one of my children are grown and on their own (our youngest is 15). I helped my husband to raise his children from his first marriage and the baby momma drama was on from the start. Sister Ashley is on point with you learning to be pro-active in dealing with momma, and not re-active which would fall right into momma's hands. I will keep you and your family in prayer. Remember "NO weapond formed aganist me shall prosper"
Stay Blessed !

[On_my_way]

Thank you Sis. Johnson, Sis Ashley and deelee for your thoughtful responses.  I appreciate the positive insight you offered as well as the scripture references that I am already finding strength in.  I am going to continue to fight this ongoing struggle through prayer and obedience to God.  I refuse to allow the devil the opportunity to destroy what I know God has established in me and my family.  My husband and I are in the process of going through the court system and establishing a case to gain custody of my stepson.  This is a constant struggle-but we know who is in control and everything will work out in His time and according to His plan.  

It is comforting to know that I am not alone - I not only have God on my side, but also Sisters in Christ who understand where I am coming from.  Thank you again and please continue to pray for me and my family.