M/F Friendship & grey zone: worth the wait 4 m

[trustneverfear]

I need wise counsel, everyone.  There is a man in my life that I could love deeply if he would let me, but he won't let me in.  Yet everything about him practically screams at me "love me, please!"  Let me explain...

We have been friends (only friends) for some time now--over 5 years.  He is saved, single, straight, attractive, godly and sincere.  And a perfect gentleman to boot.  Whenever I am in his presence, I am at ease, and totally secure.  From time to time, he will say that he hopes that our friendship "will grow into something deeper".  Then at another time he will say that he wants me to know that he respects me, thinks that I am wonderful, and knows that I am I godly woman.

Then I don't hear from him as he drops off the face of the earth.  I know that he is busy and that his career is demanding, but NOTHING?  I find it hard to believe that if a person cares that much for you, they can't find the time to even drop you a line.

He has said to be in the past that he has a problem with getting close to people and letting people get close to him (no kidding).  He has already told me that he trusts me, that I know him so well, and that we are good together, as I know the way that he thinks.  After sharing all of this with me, he then pulls a disappearing act.

I love him as a friend, and could DEFINITELY love him a life partner if he would let me.  He seems to want to, but then runs away.  I know that I am not to pursue a man, and I have not.  He knows this.  However, I don't like having my heart and mind twisted like this.  I waver between anger at him for abusing our friendship, and then at myself for allowing my vulnerablity to show.

CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?  SHOULD I JUST WALK AWAY AND FORGET ABOUT HAVING MORE?  Is this whole thing even worth the effort?

Thanks.

[ethereal]

As long as you are sure that you haven't read more into his words than is actually there, I'd say that it's time for a serious heart to heart. It's not fair for him to lead you into thinking that he "may' have feelings for you and give you so much attentrion then hop on horse and break camp. It is quite apparent that something is going on inside of that maybe he's trying to work out. A lot of times, we as men tend to isolate ourselves when we have problems or are confused. We don't always realize the heavy burden that we put on the women in our lives who are looking to love us (not based on physical attractio or need, but upon a knowing in their hearts) b/c we may be having self-esteem or commitment issues. My suggestion again (heavy emphasis on suggestion) is that you try and have a real good talk with that brother ang where God has his head and heart. Once you know (regardless of what the outcome is) you can move forward. Keep me posted.

[Gerard Henry]

Sounds like you have a good sense of the dynamic of your relationship, which I would define as a close or intimate friendship.  Perhaps not intimate based on his fear of intimacy.  My suggestion is to be very clear with him how you feel.  ie: the abuse of friendship, vulnerability, etc.  The best motivator for a person to pursue their own wholeness/healing is the fear of losing the gift of a safe relationship such as you have described.  If you respectfully encourage him to seek some counseling (especially since he has acknowledged that he has this problem) and reassure him that you will continue to support him as a sister in Christ, he may pursue the healing he needs.  If not, inform him that you have to make yourself less available due to your own emotional safety....  That removal can also be a loving action to help the brother pursue healing, which is critical if he will have a healthy marriage to you or any other women.
 
God Bless,
 
Gerard

[Forum Administrator]

Hi trustneverfear. Allow me to share a couple personal stories with you: one about a friend of mine, and one about me.

A friend of mine deeply loved a man. She made herself available to him and she was willing to do anything (within reason) for him. He knew that she loved him, but he took her for time and attention for granted. He called or didn't call. He spoke or didn't speak. Whenever he called, she came running. He disrespected and disregarded the feelings that he knew she had for him. She remained on an emotional rollercoaster for several years until she finally got off the ride. She made up her mind that she was worth more than that, and as much as she loved him, she walked away from him.  She did not have any more hopes of him suddenly coming to his senses. She moved on.

A funny thing happened when she did that. When he realized how serious she was, and that she was no longer at his beck and call, he realized how much she really meant to him and the tables turned. He ended up having to try to win her back. Instead of her pursuing him, he then began to pursue her. It took a while for him to convince her of just how serious he was about having a relationship with her, but time and consistent behavior proved his intentions. They're still married today.

I share in my book, Though The Vision Tarry how at one point in my developing friendship with my now husband, I became frustrated with him. We had established our friendship, but he would often intimate of something more. When I asked for clarification, he could/would not give me what I considered to be a straight answer. It didn't take long for me to get tired of that, and I let him know that I had no interest in mixed signals or a shapeless relationship. I then shut off communication with him. Not out of spite, but to preserve my own mental and emotional well-being (and to clear the way from someone who could clearly communicate what he wanted ).

I, like you, was not in pursuit of him, but the loss of our communication apparently helped him to clarify how much he really wanted to be in communication/friendship/relationship with me. It took a while for him to "win" my time and attention again, but time and consistent behavior caused me to take another look.

I cannot tell you that if you turn away from this friendship, your friend will come running back to you with flowers in one hand and a ring in the other. But I can tell you that if you continue to do what you're doing--justifying his indifference; speculating about his reasoning; participating in and perhaps enabling his dysfunction--you will continue to have your heart and mind "twisted." Love him enough to give him what he needs, and what he needs is for someone to tell him the truth about his behavior and provoke and encourage him to change. What is unloving is for you to continue to accept that kind of behavior, for in so doing, he will not realize his need to change and/or take action.

I have been in an abusive relationship before, I can tell you from experience that it takes two things to continue an abusive relationship: 1) one person who continues to be abusive and; 2) one person who continues to put up with the abuse. A lot of your pain is self-inflicted, so in your case, you are playing the role of both the abuser and the one being abused.

No man fully appreciates a woman who makes herself too available to him, and no woman fully feels loved and respected if she has to ever wonder, "Did he really want me as much as I wanted him?" Walk away. Remove the burden from yourself. "Help mate" may be in your future, but "crutch" never will be... unless you allow it.

[mszeta]

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?? I was dating a man for several months when one morning I received a call from his supposed ex-girlfriend stating that they were still seeing one another. This was not a shock to me because he and I had not yet determined if we were going to see one another exclusively or not. When I confronted him, he stated that he still had feelings for this woman  but has the same feelings for me as well. I made the choose easy for him and backed out of the relationship. We went several months without any communication at all. The entire time, I have not been able to get this man out of my mind and dreams. He was everything I had prayed for in a man and more. Abotu a month ago I sent him a friendly e-mail. He responded politely. I know speaking with me is strange for him but we were good friends first. The problem is that lately I can't help but wonder if I gave up too easily. I put up no fight at all. Should I have? I never told him how I really felt and that I wanted him. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[Forum Administrator]

Hi mszeta. You did NOT give up too easily. You should NOT have had to fight for this man. Whether you told him how you really felt or not, the fact of the matter is that in spite of how you felt, he was still with his girlfriend. How much more hurtful would it have been for you if you had told him how you felt and that you wanted him? You made the right choice to walk away.

If he was everything you have prayed for in a man, let me encourage you to pray a little differently. Pray for a man who will be honest with you and who will handle his relationship with you with the utmost integrity; pray for someone who will make and honor a commitment to you; pray that you'll never again be with someone whose ex-girlfriend will dial your number and tell you that he is still with her.  

You deserve to be honored and respected. Don't accept anything less and don't compromise your dignity or integrity by going back to what you know wasn't good for you in the first place. Don't look at what you did as making the choice easy for him; you made the right choice for you. Remind yourself of that fact the next time he comes up in your mind or dreams. When you realize that you made the right choice, you'll not only be glad you walked away, you might even do a little dance every now and then.

[mszeta]

Thanks administrator. I really needed that confirmation.