SINGLE PARENT BURNOUT!!!!!!

[SEEKINGAPUREHEART]

I'm new to this sight, but I feel the need to get some feedback from any single parents male or female.  I am the single Mom of 2 beautiful children.  Lately though, I feel so burned out.  I find myself constantly yelling at them about something and really not wanting to be bothered.  It's very difficult to work all day and then go home and start it all over again.  I do realize the Jesus has called me to minister to my children.  It is very difficult when I constantly give out and receive nothing back in return.  I have be praying about it. There are some days I feel like running away.  Have any of you experienced this and what solutions helped get you through it?

[ethereal]

I'm divorced and see my children every weekend and even though it's not as much as a 7 day a week parent, when I have a hectic day on friday and then pick them up, it can be a little crazy. A lot of times. especially with young children (u didn't mention your childrens' ages), their constant dependcy on you for every little thing can be maddening. Do u possibly have any relatives or friends tha tu feel comfortable leaving the children with? If som I'd strongly encourage u to take advantage of their services at least one evening a week. Give yourself time to recharge, time to allow God to minister to U! Also, ask God to show you if there are any hidden frustrations or anger in your heart. Stress really serves to expose these things, just in a negative manner. Ask God to redeem the time for you. The Father is not remiss is keeping His children in the safety of His arms.

[SEEKINGAPUREHEART]

Ethereal,

Thanks for your feedback,  I have a 12 yr old and an 8yr old.  Unfortunately my family is on the other side of town from me.  My children are involved in extracurricular activities during the week, so that makes it difficult to find someone to watch them.  They do go with their father every other weekend.  But most of that time is spent taking care of things that I can't get done when their home.  I really need God to minister to me in real way.  I'm involved in ministry at church and I've even thought about taking a break from everything for alittle while.  I will definitely be God lead before I make any decision.  I have beeen praying nd asking God to show me what is really going on with me.  Please keep me in your  prayers.  And future insight would be welcomed.

God Bless

[Forum Administrator]

Hi SEEKINGAPUREHEART and welcome! I'm not a single parent, but sometimes I certainly feel that way. I work from home and have my nearly 3-year old son at home with me. I can relate to everything you have said. At one point, I was so burned out, I was looking for a hotel to check into just so that I could get some rest! After my son was born, my theme song became (and still is) "I Need Thee Every Hour!" 

What I have to keep reminding myself and what you need to remind yourself is that you cannot be the best mother to your children and neglect yourself. You have to get adequate rest or you will be irritable (and easily provoked). You have to eat right so that you'll have the energy to do all that you need to do. Praying and exercising are two great stress relievers. And you have to have some "you" time... without feeling guilty about it.

Your children are at an age where they can be of help to you. I'm sure they can see that you are stressed. I believe you would be surprised at how willing they would be to help you (e.g. around the house, allowing you some "free" time, etc.) if they realized how run down you are feeling. Sit down with them and let them know that you want to be the best mother to them, but you cannot accomplish that if you are not at your best. Ask them to suggest ways that they can help you be your best (e.g. helping around the house, not fighting with each other, giving you less to fuss about, etc.). Get them involved. I'm not suggesting that you in any way make them feel responsible for your well-being, but they are old enough to be involved in the process of creating a better home environment for the family as a whole... including you.

Try to structure a daily routine that allows you (and your family) to get done what must be done, and allow yourself some flexibility for the other things that you would like to get done. Start prioritizing and differentiating between the necessities and the desirables.

Try to take advantage of the time when your children are away with their father. I understand the desire to try to get things done that are harder to do when the children are at home with you, but try to use that time to do something for you. Force yourself to do it. I know it's hard, but take some of those hours when they are away and get some down time. Sleep. Take a walk. See a movie. Go to dinner. Have some fun. Take a long soothing bubble bath. Get a massage. Read a good book. Listen to some music. Do something for you!

God does want you to minister to your children, but you must be filled up first before you can pour out. God will give you what you need to minister to your children and you must use also use wisdom. You are not superwoman. Know your limitations. Know when you are most vulnerable. Plan accordingly.

Parenting can often feel like a "thankless job," but remember that children are God's inheritance. You are taking care of what belongs to Him and He will reward you richly for that. You are doing well to remain prayerful, and we will be praying with you. It is obvious to me that you deeply love your children. Try to enjoy them as much as you can. Hang in there! It will pay off. Take one step at a time, one day at a time. Do the best you can and then RELAX!

I've added some information in the Catch of the Day on Ways to Reduce the Stress of Single Parenting that I hope will be helpful to you.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
- Galatians 6:9

[Forum Administrator]

When I checked my mailbox, a friend had forwarded the following to me. Surely not coincidence.
Avoiding burnout
Word for Today
wft@christianconnect.org.uk

"...I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS LOW...!" PSALM 142:6 (THE MESSAGE)

We talk about the straw that broke the camel's back. But usually the load is not the problem; camels were built to carry those - it is the overload. Whenever David bottomed out he told God, '...I've never been this low...' Before you reach that point, here are some
suggestions:

Lose the red cape. You are not superman (or woman!). Dr Faye Crosby says 'Learn to recognize your pressure release points so that your mistakes do not get blown out of proportion. Mismatched silverware at a dinner party does not signal the end of civilization. Handing in your report a day late will not push the company into bankruptcy!' In other words - lighten up; do not worry about the small stuff!

Acknowledge your limits. Jesus did not try to personally minister to every person in Israel, so how come you think you can do it all? When you are planning your schedule build in a little down-time. The daily grind can deplete you, but a few minutes of quiet time with God can refresh and refocus you.

Just say...no! Usually we feel guilty and worry that people will not like us if we say no. The problem is, when we do not, we end up resentful, not liking ourselves. Dr H B London writes, 'It is easy to say no to a root canal or colonoscopy. It is more difficult to say it when things are interesting and enjoyable. Yet, even if everything we are doing is enjoyable, if we do not learn to say no, overload will overwhelm us.'

[IEve]

This way so on time and I bless God for it.  Glory to his name.  I'm an elementary teacher.  I teach in southeast, Washington, DC, a depressed community. My children and their parents come with all the baggage, luggage, trunks associated with a depressed community.  I work long hours usually from 7 am until 5 or 6 pm.  I also coordinate a mentoring program through the school.  

I have a twelve year-old and five (almost 6) year old living with me Monday - Friday (supposedly).  Its 12:40 Saturday and they are still with me.  My sister who is suppose to have them Saturday and Sunday -- just Saturday and Sunday-- went to breakfast with her boyfriend.  

When I get home I have to help the kids with homework, get dinner, and get them ready for bed. Mind you I have no kids of my own.  I have become and instant parent of two.

The twelve year old and 5 year old argue like true siblings, which get on my last nerve.  The twelve year old is jealous of the five year old and at time regresses and acts younger than she is.

I was just holding on so that I could have the Columbus Day weekend to rest.  On Friday, I was so irritable I was snapping and my kids all day, which of course made me feel guilty.  No I want to slap my sister who skips through like without care or burden. I both of these children because of her refusal to be a mature, responsible adult.  

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

From one Super Mom to another Super Mom, rest assured that you are not being selfish, neither are you doomed to spend eternity in hell for the way you feel.

The problem with being a Super Mom (Dad, not forgetting the single fathers) is that we forget that we have not been called to be SuperParent, the newest edition of the Justice League of Super Heroes.

I had to come to the realization that while I--with the HELP, grace and mercy of God--can handle whatever God sends my way concerning my 12-year old son, I was never required to do or BE everything I THINK he needs and deserves.

Understanding that as single parents we put undue pressure on ourselves to make up for what we subconsciously feel is our fault--that we could not create/maintain/establish a two-parent household for our children. So we push ourselves into the SuperParent mold and we try to be the omnipotent/omniscient/omnipresent covering for our children--this will bring about BURNOUT. God never told us to do that...that is what HE is for.

I know what parental burnout looks like, feels like, smells like and walks like. There were days when I had considered packing bags--mine, and just leaving my son behind. What worked for me (and I'm not saying this will work for you, but it did me) was:

1. Being honest with myself AND God. I literally told God how I felt at the place of BURNOUT. And I had to be honest. Unfortunately my place of burnout coincided with my son's onset of puberty/teenage attitude (the enemy reall knows how to work it). So I had a lot to get off my chest. God was gracious and merciful unto me because pondering the moment now, I was out of control with my feelings of anger, neglect, and insufficiency. I got it out, and off of me. The first weight lifted.

2. I listed those things in my life which I was involved in. This is where God revealed to me my personal transition to SuperParent mode, "Wonder Twin powers activate" ...NOT. There were things on my list that I thought I was doing for the betterment of my son, but then realized that not only was it not affecting my son positively OR negatively, but my son didn't give a second thought about the fact that I was doing it. Weight number two eliminated.

3. With God's guidance, I deleted those things on my list that were NOT NECESSARY to the spiritual walk of myself or my son. Keeping in mind that there are natural activities that are essential to our spiritual health. WE MUST MAINTAIN BALANCE.  I had to understand that I AM ONE PERSON, and I CAN NOT DO IT ALL. Weight number three gone.

4. Again, with God's guidance, I reprioritized my list. When I went back to review the order of things, God had me place myself BEFORE my son (picking up on Aleathea's point). If you don't take care of you first, there will be nothing left to function for your children. I am 33 years old and I had a stroke in February--which the enemy never meant for me to recover from--trying to be SuperMom and not just a super mom. God will allow us to be laid down in order to show us us. Weight number 4 anihilated...God is GOOD at what He does!!!

4a. I HAD TO CREATE TIME for intimacy with God. This is where your strength comes from. Stolen moments are one thing...but in order to function as a super mom you need SECRET PLACE time with God. You cannot minister to your children until God has first ministered to you!!! Weight number 4.5, gone.

5. WALK IN IT. It's okay to say NO. Our children will not spontaneously combust if mommy is too tired to do the next thing on a schedule that we set without God's guidance. The first time I told my son I was too tired, I expected a fight....but he understood. He even made me a cup of tea so that I could relax. Our children are more understanding than we sometimes give them credit for...and they know when mommy's unbalanced. But like all kids...they will demand/expect as long as we keep giving. Weight number 5...gone and I am restored!

Going back to the point I made earlier about BALANCE...remember if YOU are not balanced, honestly, your household isn't either. TAKE CARE OF YOU!! Know your limitations...To thine ownself be true--Shakespeare. When you see the end of the rope approaching...STOP.

I pray this helps, or, at the very least encourages!

Be blessed!