Why doesnt he want to do things with me?

[bymyself]

I am an at home mom, with 3 boys, I  cant seem to get my husband to do anything with me, or go anywhere-when he does go somewhere with me-even just a drive-he never says a word to me.  If his friends call, he is excited and he goes with them.  There is this club in my town where my friends and i tend to go at times just to get out, not much to do here.  he says he hates that place, he wont go with me, there or anywhere else.  His friends call and ask him to go there, and he said yes.  I'm still pissed. What does this mean?

[Forum Administrator]

Thanks for sharing what sounds like a very frustrating and painful situation for you. I can immediately see hope in your situation, but first we need to get a better perspective on what's really there. You've said that your husband won't do anything or go anywhere with you and he never says a word to you, but these statements are not true. He does go somewhere and do something with you ("even just a drive"), and he does say a word to you--"he says he hates that place"--that's at least four words. I'm pointing these things out to show you how our perspectives can become distorted when we feel angry, hurt or resentful. Chances are, you may be painting yourself in a corner with these kinds of exaggerated generalizations. If your husband is making an effort to spend some time with you, but it seems like in spite of his efforts--no matter how small or great--you see him as "never" doing "anything" or going "anywhere," he may conclude that his efforts are in vain and stop trying. I'm not saying that how your husband behaves is your fault: it's not. We are each responsible for our own behavior. However, I am suggesting that you can make the situation better or worse by how you choose to respond, particularly by the things you say.
 
You asked the question, what does it mean? It sounds like there is a lack of intimacy between you and your husband. Communication is one of the highest forms of intimacy. Something (or perhaps a lot of little things) has caused the open and honest communication between you and your husband to break down. Open and honest communication requires the involvement of both you and your husband, but it starts with each individual. You have to begin by being honest with yourself. What are you telling yourself about your husband's behavior? What are you telling yourself about you? Are these things true (or do they sound more like the statements you've made above)? Is your attitude right? Have you been saying or doing things that help or hurt your situation? If you believe that your husband doesn't want to do things with you, that is a symptom of a deeper problem. Are you willing to look deeper?
 
There is an expression that says, "If the mountain will not come to Mohammed, Mohammed will go to the mountain?" If what you are doing to accomplish your desired result is not working, change what you're doing. Sometimes you have to give the very thing that you want to receive. It may sound crazy, but there is a law of reciprocity that works: you really do reap what you sow. Start with a simple exercise in appreciation. Shift your focus from what you don't have to what you do have. Make a 'Thank You' list of the things your husband is doing right. Start speaking to and about your husband based on what you want him to be. Take note of and tell him thank you for the things he does do, no matter how small. Point out to your sons the wonderful thing that Daddy has done and let him hear you doing it, even if it's something as simple as your husband putting out the trash. Who wouldn't want to be around someone who thinks (and speaks) the world of them?  Keep in mind that it took time for you and your husband to reach this point and it may take some time for things to change. But, you cannot lose by focusing on the positive. Worst-case scenario is that you will change for the better.
 
There is a lot more I could say, but I would like to hear your thoughts on what has already been said. We're here to help you if you want to go deeper.