I am So Ashamed

[MrD]

hello i haven't been on here for quite sometime, Now i am in such a difficult situation. i know i should have started doing something years ago. But the situation is my wife is so fed up with me, i am such a poor communicator with her, we can take a trip ,or a short trip, but I can't seem to find very much to talk to her sometime. She gets fed up with me because i don't talk to her, I don't tell her what is on my heart because I don't have things to tell her that is on my heart, she has done so much for me over the 28 years of our marriage, she knows me better than I know myself, but I don't know her that much at all, i guess because of all the many times that she has screamed and yelled at me, that i have just turned myself off to her, because of the verbal abuse she has given me. i know that our problems are because of me, and I want to change my heart toward her. But right now she is so mad, she has just gotten over her last mad spell, where she told me that she wanted to divorce me, but she knew that God hates divorce. But at the same time she didn't think that God would want her unhappy.
What my problem is that I can't seem to get this right, she works all these crazy hours at her work, and she comes home and finds things not done around the house. Now don't get me wrong, i do things around the house like unloading the dishwasher, take clothes out of the dryer and folding them, I sweep the floors, I go outside and clean up after the dogs things like that, but there are things that she wants me to do that I am not seeing,or doing and I have asked her to make me a list, but she will not, she says I should know what they are, and it is not her responsiblity to make me a list. i would like to go more into the our history especially mine but i think I have already done that on here previously. it is really bothering me, because I know i have hurt her so bad all these years, and i am afraid I am going or already have lost her. Please pray for us!!!!!! thanks1

[da2bjeez]

Hi Mr D!!


I read your post, and could feel the cry of your heart to save your marriage. I will be praying for you, in the meantime seek God ask him what to do, pray for your wife heart to change, and stay in worship it lifts the heavy load!!!


Be blessed  and know that all things work for the good for them that love the Lord!!

[David Dupree]

Hello MrD 

You are on something that "seems" so hard very often for us menfolks. :-)  In short I will suggest two things to you.  First of all, you are not getting any better at communicating by beating yourself up with shame...so stop it!  Get off the self guilt thing and let's work toward a solution..which brings me to #2.

Second, you can begin where you are.  Since you feel that you can't find very much to talk to her about...especially what is on your heart, then begin with what is on your mind.  Start with the simple things..even  though she may not be (or seem to be) the least bit interested. :-)  Talk about who won what game yesterday, or your favorite player, or what you just read out of the paper or saw on the news.  Talk about a scripture you just read, even if you have no "revelation" or "rhema" from it.  Just quote it! Mention a family member that you talked to, or haven't talked to.  You may be surprised at the dialogue that you may generate.  Often something you may say may not be the conversation subject but will remind her and/or you about something else that you really would feel is more substantial a conversation. 

I look forward to hearing your positive report in the near future.

dd

[MrD]

Thanks so much for your encouraging words, however, I still have a problem with not noticing things, or trying to do things for my wife, that makes her aggrevated. i will tell her that I will straighten up, one day and the next day I go right back to doing the very thing that aggrevated, not realizing I am. i have a real problem, she is to the point that she watches everything that I do or don't do. If it is wrong she get's mad and starts yelling. if I say something she is always correcting me as to how to say it. take this morning for an example, i finished taking a shower and came and started talking about what we were going to do about thanksgiving, whether to have it at home with a friend who is by herself, or have it with some family. We dicscussed that and she told me how to tell my cousin that we were'nt sure yet. Then i started getting the vitamins out to put together for us, and she asked me what i was doing? That I saw her taking hers this morning, which i did and I forgot that I saw her do it. I tell you my mind does not work. She says that I am selfish. which i feel I am, i don't think of other people, that it is always about me. I am a real mess, and i need help bad to be able to save this marriage. It seems like anything I say or do is always wrong. why can't i have a happy marriage. Maybe i am all that she says that I am!

[David Dupree]

Hello MrD,

I would again encourage you to take my advice above.  The first thing you have to do is get off the self guilt thing.  Stop beating yourself up with shame. 

You have to change your words.  God says what you are...not your spouse! Get in the Word and you will find out what/who/whose you are. 

Let's examine the words you used. "my mind does not work"; "I am selfish"; "I am a real mess"; "anything I say or do is always wrong". 

Man you have a word problem which probably has its roots in the fact that there is a Word problem.  Read your Word, follow-up on sermons from your pastor with study, pray and "listen" to God's voice.  You will hear Him tell you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made; you are more than a conqueror; you are the head and not the tail, above and not beneath; you are the light of the world; you are the beauty that replaces ashes; you are blessed....

But you have to not only read/hear/study this stuff but you have to speak it!  If you meditate on it day and night then you will be like the tree planted by rivers of water and be fruitful in your season, knowing whatever you do will prosper. (Psalm 1)

It is true that death and life are in the power of the tongue. Prov. 18:21   What are you gonna do with your marriage?  What are you going to do with yourself?  You speak life to it, it will live.  You speak death to it, it will die. 

ddupree

[MrD]

 :'(Again I appreciate your words, I know I am so negative, but what do you do when your wife is constantly on you about everything. we go for awhile and then I say or do something that ticks her off. I am afraid to say much to her, for fear of getting her angry. for instance, we were getting to the point that we were touching each other, then the next morning she got upset that the internet was down, and she wanted to know why I didn't keep up with it being down, so I got on the computer and got it working by disconnecting the modem and plugging it back up, then this morning I got up and she still was not speaking to me, so I asked her if she was still mad about the internet, and then she said that she comes in and the first words out of my mouth is the Christmas luncheons that i will be going to next week at work, and the money that I want to spend on vacations, that the only I care about is food, vacations  and my belly. first of all she is the one that wants to go to Florida to go to the HolyLand Experience, so I was trying to find a place that was close to it. And I only made the comment that they were going to have a birthday luncheon, next wednesday, then the office is going to a restaurant Friday for our Christmas Luncheon, then the following Tuesday we are going to have a big Christmas luncheon for everyone at my work, where we bring in something and share. She doesn't want a tree or to buy each other christmas presents, she just wants to get a massage Table. I like to get her something that she doesn't expect. So that is what has been going on!

[MrD]

It's me again, she is mad at me again, only I think it is hurt more than anger. I just can't get this marriage right, I go along for a while, then I do something that sets her off, this time she has been sick with some kind of flu or bad sinuses. She came in one night and I hadn't swept the floor, or anything, because she had not ask me, I know I am supposed to see things like that, and I do sweep the floor, but she does not like the way I sweep. Then the other day she went to bed to take a nap because she still wasn't feeling good, so when she woke up, she was angry because I was sitting on the couch and I failed to feed the dogs I guess.  I wasn't going to do anything to wake her. So now she is not speaking to me, and when I do say something to her she ignores me or she will say something cross to me, like she has hatred toward me. Please pray for me that this laziness will be lifted from me. And that our marriage will be restored!

[lenaj]

Ok I would love to give you the right Christian words but right now let's try to look at the simple things. It seems to me that she is someone who likes things to be clean. So just sweep the floor everyday. Not when you think it should be done, cause if you like me you will for get so just do it. The dogs, I don't have one but I think they are supposed to be on some type of schedule when they are feed. Finally I would suggest you watch this movie called "FireProof" it has Kirk Cameron in it. Or just go to this site: www.fireproofmymarriage.com

The movie is about things a man did to turn his marraige around, when he didn't even want to.

[MrD]

i do sweep, empty the dishwasher, fold the towels, hang the clothes up, feed the dogs, and go outside a cleanup after them each time they go out. we have seen the movie, and after the movie she said that she saw us in there, like it was made after our life's together. i know I am somewhat lazy, but it is because i do not have a list of things to do, and she absolutely refuses to do that, instead she wants me to make the list, and I have no idea what she wants me to do. I would gladly do the if she would give me a list. this has been going on for 29 years. we will go along for awhile happy, and then I do or say something or I don't do something, and it starts getting terrible again. You have to understand I am a laid back person and she is very domineering. and controlling, especially when she gets mad at me, she knows that it drives me crazy when she will not talk to me. Well better go! Thanks for listening!

[Forum Administrator]

Hi MrD. Sounds like Fireproof may have given you a good inroad for discussion. Did you two discuss what in the movie resembled your marriage? I commend you for the things that you are doing. It doesn't sound like you're lazy at all (so you should stop saying that). Also, you don't need her to make you a list of what you need to do. It sounds like she may want you to take more of a proactive approach. You are, after all, her loving leader. Make your own list, or better yet, look around and see what needs to be done... and then do it well.

I have a 7 yr old son, and one of the things that I find annoying is having to tell him to do the same things over and over again. But he's 7, and you're... not. You're a man. Put away "childish things." If you're not sure how to be a good leader in your marriage, find someone who is a good leader in his marriage (make sure the wife agrees with that assessment  ) and get some pointers. If you can't find anyone, there are other resources available and we can help with that. You do, however, have two great resources readily available and that's the word (your bible) and prayer. If you need some scriptural references, let us know. And be sure that you talk to the Lord about what you're talking to us about. He is always willing to help you.