BROKEN

[womanof1]

Hello again Fellow deep waters readers, writers, those who enjoy, and those who learn from others situations. Here I am again, but now claiming my burdens for what they are.
I am a Broken and Battered, Scared and torn woman. All my life I have dealt with the pain and heartache of MEN leaving me, hurting me, molesting, and degrading me.
                I looked at Sex for many years as a release, an escape route, or just some way for me to have control of what's mine. It all started with my father who left my mother and 3 children when we were only 6weeks, 1 and 2 years old. Never saw him again, and he told me at 20years old if I want a relationship with him I should work on it. Then all the men in my family except 1 uncle (God rest his soul) told me I was less than because I was a girl. These same men persecuted me when I was molested at age 7 by a man on our street, blaming me and persuading my mother to spank me rather than comfort me during that time. Then when I started middle school I turned to sex at 14 trying to convince my "boyfriend" to stay with me because I was cool. Eventually he broke up with me, leaving me again lonely and heartbroken. 17 I met and dated a serious drug dealer whom after I told him I wanted to go to college raped me in his house with a 9mm gun on the table daring me to leave. Do you think I ever told my mother about that? Nope, especially after that same drug dealer gave me my 1st STD, cured Glory be to God for that. Soon after once I became enraged enough I started a 2 year binge of frivolous one night stands, with many guys I couldn't even tell you their names.
            Then I met, in my mid Freshmen year in college, a man I longed for, whom also cheated on me for 2years, before finally proposing to me. Then he started controling my comings and goings in my life. Stalking me, still cheating on me, separting me from my friends and family, and my church home I was attending in the city we lived in.
                 Now almost a year ago I made a covnant with God that if He changed the direction my life was heading I would again Give my life soley to Him. Well I did and yet I never spoke into exsistance that I was, and am BROKEN. The last time I was on Deep Waters, I talked about this guy whom I felt liked me, but He stopped speaking to me and recently I just found out he's about to Marry another woman in our church. My 1st reaction was to break down, not because he didn't love me, but because I felt like here again God, I'm not enough for any man. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not smart enough, or old enough, or holy enough. But I'm beautiful, I'm athletic, I'm educated, I'm a woman after God's own heart, but yet I carried all my BULL into the sanctuary with me, and into my praise classes, and my ministry's I joined. I was still a broken soul in the church covering my pain with shouts of Glory, and a few Halelujah's. All I'm asking is if there is a woman out there who has been through some of what I'm going through Pray for me in this journey God is taking me on. I gave it to Him today, left my burdens at His throne, and now I need to start my healing so that God can deliver me to the place I need to be for Him. Glory Be to God, Praise His Holy and Righteous name. Halelujah...

[Gracious]

Hello "womanof1",

I'm sooo sure that we all will pray for your strength ... Amen?  For it is truly brave of you to be so candid about your life.  And I also pray that this thread will help others who've been TESTED similarly.  May GOD bless you!!!

Hmmmm ... What to say???

Concerning your Broken - ness,

GOD's Inspiration (The Holy Bible) tells us that LIFE & death are predicated (fore---given, are predetermined) by what it is that we SPEAK from our "own" mouths ... AND ... by what we RECEIVE from the mouths of others! 

Proverbs 18:20-22
(King James Version)
20A man's belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth; and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled.
21Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
22Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

In other words, if you want LIFE ... speak LIFE ... over yourself & others!  If you want death ... continue to exalt the devil by perpetuating (by SPEAKING and or RECEIVING verbally) the lies that he-the devil, whispers to you, from the corners of your conscience - where he resides.

Plainly my sister, YOU ARE N-O-T ... BROKEN!!!  If you honestly believe that evil is synonymous with broken-ness.  As a "brokeness" state of being, is one of the times when a good Godly thing FEELS terrible ... while your going through it, that is!

<OR>

Let me say this another way ... If you are "BROKEN", as in suffering through the Divine PROCESS of being BROKEN, then you are a BLESSED woman ...

Why???

Because BROKENESS is ONLY something that comes from Heaven - from GOD!!!  And what you have identified as suffering ... is simply the PROCESS that YOU must go through to become what it is that GOD has designed for YOU to be!!!

The enemy of your soul does NOT, nor has he ever had THAT kind of power ... Amen?   If you honestly believe that negativity & evil has placed you in a state of "BROKENESS", then you are mistaken.

You know my sister, what struck me while reading through your post, was how CLEARLY, CONCISELY & CORRECTLY you've diagnosed yourself ... Amen?  You've not only pinpointed your issues ... but you've precisely pinpointed where & when & why they'd begun.  The only thing that I'd taken issue with was HOW you've CHOSEN to identify yourself & "who've" you've chosen to surrender yourself to.

Soooo much more to say (like going through the Proverbs script)... but I'll stop here for now ... Amen?

GOD bless you my friend & I pray that you receive what I've shared with a spirit of true ... "loving you with the love of the LORD".


Gracious