Undercurrent Women's Issues

[Cousins]

::)I need advice from a biblical perspective, what are the principles and guidelines that God has for me to adhere to if I want my relationships to be successful. Is it ok for me to let a man know that I like him?? not stalk or hunt him or even pursue him just to let him know?? If I feel attracted to someone should I continue to have a "friendly" relationship with him??? Is that leading him on, is that influencing his decisions in what he wants? How to handle just a friendship with a male. :-/

[Forum Administrator]

::)I need advice from a biblical perspective, what are the principles and guidelines that God has for me to adhere to if I want my relationships to be successful.

Hi Michelle. Thank you for jumping into Deep Waters. You have asked some excellent questions. This response addresses just the first question. Additional responses will follow from the moderator of this category.

Success is an often misunderstood term. Success has to do with the outcome of something--whether good or bad. Many of us have already experienced bad success in our relationships. What we want, and what I understand your question to be pertaining to, is good success in relationships. The key to good success in relationships and life is wisdom. Wisdom and good success go hand in hand.

Wisdom can't be learned, it has to be gained or given. If you want to be wise, you have to put yourself in the company of wise people, ask their advice and then seek to apply the truths that they have given to you. Asking a wise person to give you advice does not mean that you are wise; it means that you had the good sense to ask for advice. Applying the truth that a wise person shares with you will make you wiser.

God is the wisest Person there is. He is the author and giver of wisdom; He is wisdom. So, the first and most important thing you need to do to get good success/wisdom in your relationships, is to ask God for it (see James 1:5). God has promised that if we talk to Him about everything, including our relationships, and ask for His advice, He will give us direction and help us to avoid making mistakes (see Proverbs 3:5,6). The next thing you need to do is listen to His response. God does "speak," and if you listen, you will hear His direction through the scriptures, through circumstances and through other people.  After you've listened, then you need to apply the truth He gives you (see James 1:22-25). You have to trust/believe that God loves you and He has your best interest at heart... and He does. If you don't believe that, you will be reluctant to do what He says.

Also, keep your eye out for people who are enjoying good success in their relationships. Get in their company. Ask questions. Weigh the information they give you. The company you keep can greatly affect how you are influenced and the decisions you make. Be aware that not all advice is good advice for you. Examine everything carefully and hold on to the good (see I Thessalonians 5:21).

Understand that even mistakes we've made in past relationships can still result in good success. Just because a relationship did not turn out the way we had hoped, doesn't mean that has to be the final result. God has a way of causing even the worst situations to work out for our best, if we allow Him to guide us, if we do what He says, and if we choose to learn from our mistakes. The Winans sang a song years ago that says, "It's good to know He'll be there if ever I fall; but it's better to know that I don't have to fall at all." Don't ignore warning signs and get into relationships that will not be good for you. But if you have made mistakes and you are willing to take a good look at yourself to understand why you made the choices you did, and seek God's direction for future decisions, you can gain wisdom from the experience.

A good/successful relationship is one that will help you to fulfill your God-given purpose. That is why it's important to understand who you are and the gifts and talents that God has given you. Your personality and giftedness were designed with a specific purpose in mind. When you are considering relationships, you need to understand and be aware of how your particular personality and giftings can be supported by the other person, and how you in turn can be of support to the other person.

Resource(s) to Consider:
Our resource pages for singles and those who are married has a book listed entitled "How to Listen to God" by Charles Stanley. This book will help you to understand how God speaks/responds to us when we ask for His direction. If you have not already done so, you might also consider completing the personality profile (links are on the home and resource pages). We will also be adding a link for assessing your spiritual gifts so check back soon for the announcement.

Stay tuned for additional response(s) from our Undercurrents Moderator...

[Vikki Johnson]

Hi Michelle:

In addition to what the Forum Administrator has shared with you regarding "success" in relationships, I'm responding to your query regarding "friendship" with a male.  My first question for your consideration is "what's the objective in letting him know you like him?  What if he does not feel the same way?  Are you prepared for that?"   Women must be careful in this context because it quite often is a set-up for rejection and compounded emptiness.  The subliminal message we convey is that we have a hope and expectation that he will "like us" in return.

Men are VERY CLEAR when they have a genuine interest and want to pursue relating beyond friendship.  Men are wired to "take advantage of the advantage".  You would be leading yourself on - not him so be careful to guard your heart and your purity.

If your attraction clouds your judgement and affects your ability "to be genuine" as you have "friendly" relations with him, then you should not continue the interaction.  Why? It's dishonest.  However, if your maturity level is such that you can process and accept him not feeling the same way, there still exists the possibility for a good friendship.

I suggest that you visit the Deep Waters Resource Page for Singles and peruse the Singles section.  I specifically recommend various titles by Michelle McKinney Hammond.  I commend you for seeking wisdom.

[Novelist]

In regards to the young ladies and relationships, we often get scarred  because we want to feel loved, but in the wrong way.  For instance, I have experienced wanting to feel wanted and loved in relationships because I wanted a good relationship.  Although my relationships in the past were good to an extent, it was unhealthy for me.  Now, letting someone know how I feel about him has been skeptical because I have been taught to allow the man to seek and pursue me.  Sometimes I feel like that does not work because not all men are assertive or courageous to step up to a woman.  They struggle with rejection as anyone does.  Most times, I wonder if my attitude was different if I would have someone by now.  

I think success in relationships are due to the value that each has contributed, it is reciprocated because the both of you want to please the other.  Women, we are like precious diamonds in the rough and don't realize it.  I am coming into a place where I have to see something sparkle in my life and that is Christ.  It is not easy, but I am making progress.  Right now, I am under some temptations and I am in need for strength in order to successfully complete my trial.  Keep me in your prayers.