don't know what quite to do

[sweet]

Well, it has been a while since I last posted to the website.  I don't know what quite to do.  I had a really close friend whom I made the mistake of being intimate with-It caught me and him off guard-Both of us were going through some issues-He had recently (some months earlier) gotten out of being engaged- Me-was seeking God-you see, for some reason, for five years-I harbored strong feelings for him.  To make a long story short- He was praying asking God whom he should marry-me or his ex.  He married his ex.  We seperated on good terms-I told him that his wife is going to be the closest one to him. At this same time God was dealing with me-and told me to let go, and showed me that I need to get my Heart right and love Him with all my heart-.  For the past year God has allowed me to get to know Him more and work on me.-Here's the problem-I heard from another friend that he and his wife seperated.  When I heard this, is was like by heart broke in pieces- I do not know quite what I feel right now. I have not spoken to him in a year-I would have assumed that I would be mad, and not want anything to do with him-but I am not, I still have love and concern for him-Am I not all there? Why am I so willing to give him another chance-and that in itself makes me nervous.  I am more nervous on how do I react if/when he does come back. How do I seek God about this?

[David Dupree]

Hi Sweet,

If I am understanding your title that you "don't know what quite to do," and what you said in explanation, there is nothing for you to do...except STAY AWAY.  Stand your ground.  Separated is not divorced.  You should accord his relationship with his wife the same deference you would want someone to give you.  So don't glory in someone's trouble.  Cause trouble will soon be at your door. 

Sure you may still have some feelings that you haven't dealt with.  Well don't dig up that which hasn't been resurrected. 

Stay close to God and pass this simple test.  :-)


dd

[sweet]

Thankyou for your advice, and I will take heed to it.  How do I work on my feelings, and not allow them to cloud my judgement? I don't want this to be a distraction between my walk with Christ.  I do not want to keep feeling the way I do if this is someone that the Lord hasn't chosen for me-Why do I feel like I am being tugged?

[Breathedonme]

Sister Sweet,

You see how the enemy messes with our minds.  All it took was 1 word from a "friend," to stir up all of this within you and cause confusion.

for 1 year, you were with God after you heard the Word from the Lord of submitting yourself.

Why is there a tugging -- there is a war going on with your flesh and what is right:

23But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.  Romans 7:23 (NLT)

The enemy has you wondering why you are feeling this that or the other.  According to your post, Brotha Man hasn't even contacted you, correct?

How do you work on your feelings? 

I would think to understand that your feelings have very little to do with your walk with God.  Since you are unable to decipher between your feelings and what you are hearing from God, be still.  Seek the Word to see what God says about your situation.  God wants you to seek Him first in all things, right?

Sister, don't let the enemy rent space in your head.  The Word tells us to think on those things are lovely, good, etc.  Please consider when the thought comes in your mind as to what you should do, tell that thought I don't have to do anything.  Life is not going to end if I don't react to anything.  Boyfriend hasn't contacted you yet. 

If you really cared for him, of course, your flesh is going to feel stuff -- be fair and kind to yourself!!!  :-)

What I am proposing is easier said than done, but I pray you can walk in peace in this situation by seeing that satan is causing you to create a situation that hasn't occurred yet (unless I am misreading your post).

God bless!

[bishopbiscuits]

Hello Sweet,
........................Here are some of my thoughts

..........The "tugging" that you feel may be based on the hopes/active expectations, affection, trust, and comfort that you had at one point in him. There was room in your heart created for him, and there may still be a desire to fulfil some of that leftover "potential." So the drawing starts.
...........If there were nothing desirable to you about him, or your memories of him, there wouldn't be a struggle.
.......... Is there still some "if only....." in your life about companionship and a possible mate, that has been awakened by this turn of events?

.........Whatcha looking for?

........ Let's honestly acknowledge that there were qualities about him when he was single that you liked. You have been intimate, and you had over the course of years strong feelings toward him.
.........Sometimes you cannot get resolution until you come to a place of truly having to face your feelings and make a decision. That requires honesty and  the courage to work through some of the things that are unclear.   
.........The feelings that may seem like a jumble at first begin to make sense, when you spend some time with them to sort things out. But,  after you prayerfully identify them individually, you can better manage the group of thoughts and feelings associated with this person specifically.

........Operate in the right, power, and authority that you have through God to establish and create with your words.  With His Word and yours in agreement,  you can begin the process of peace in this area.  You can speak to "these things" and they will come in line with what you now say. 
 
1. Become clear on your priorities. Honor God and yourself in your choices, and you minimize opportunities for confusion/deception to lead to compromise.
2. Recognize that your feelings have a purpose, and influence, but not the ability to judge. Temper them with wisdom.
3.With a spiritual eye speak to and guide your feelings to where you want them to go, while letting go of/refusing thoughts that want to attach to your feelings to lead them against you.
4. As a married man, he is off-limits. As a bride of Christ first (as Christian singles male and female are), you cannot get caught up in manufacturing your "answer" to the "mate question." (Not implying that you are, but some people may). The avenue to that  answer must go through Christ.
5. Resolve to stand your ground with respect to your feelings. As long as you don't  seesaw in your choice of what is truly beneficial to you, your feelings will adjust. The temporary tension will pass.
6. Take what precautions you believe are necessary, in case he does contact you or want to visit, including declining. Only a proud person foolishly thinks they are invulnerable or always in full control.
7.  Let God minister to your heart if you do have resentments about the past, or concerns for your future relationships. A sense of  "unfinished business" and a careless quest for "answers" can lead to ignoring God and your own best interests.

........Finally, I leave you with a couple of suggestions/questions that may help

1. First, identify the "hopes" that you have (desires, or active expectations) which center around this issue.
2. Which ones line up with your faith?
3. Administrate "you" in love, with a prayerful focus.
4. Be not weary in well doing.....you shall reap if you don't faint!