Shacking Up

[Mr_john316]

Hello to all. I'm new to this site, and I'm not as seasoned and versed as most of you when it comes to the word. So please forgive me for my lack of sophistication. At the same time, please be very honest and as blunt as possible. I need truthful and honest advice. I have found this site to be a blessing and just about all of you give advice that is very valuable. My story is very long and complicated, so please bear with me. Here is my story:

Maybe 7 years ago when my walk with God wasn't as strong as it should have been (I'm still not perfect) I became involved in a relationship with a young lady. After we dated for a few weeks (1 Month) we became sexually involved. I was in my mid-twenties and she was in her early twenties. Needless to say, neither one of us were fulfilling our walk with God like all Christians should (trusting, honoring, obeying and constantly worshiping him). We were living life like most young people in America. We were just trying to have fun and living that fleshy life. Well, to make a long story short, after only dating her for a little over 2 months, I let her move in with me. (That's right family, we started shacking up) I now know that was a big no-no, especially in Gods eyes.

Well, you all can probably guess the rest. Three months after we moved in together, she was pregnant with my first and only child. That's right yall, I got a woman I barely knew pregnant. To top it off, just prior to us finding out she was pregnant, I was on the verge of breaking up with her and asking her to leave my home. You see, from day one, she and I hardly ever could see eye to eye and we had no chemistry (besides sex). So, needless to say, when I found out she was pregnant, I thought it was the end of the world for me. I felt as if I was trapped. Now don't get me wrong, I love our child, she is the most precious gift besides God that I could ever receive. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. It is because of my little girl that I work so hard everyday and try and provide all her needs. But, hooking up with her mother, moving her in with me and getting her pregnant have been the worst mistakes (sins) of my life.

After she was pregnant, I found out about all her baggage. All the stuff I should have found out about during a courting stage, I found out during her first few months of pregnancy. But what could I do? I laid down with this woman and knocked her up (excuse my French). Even though I didn't want to be with this woman and I for sure didn't love her, I had no choice but to stay in the relationship with her for the sake of my daughter. I had to be a man. My child didn't ask to come into this world, me and her mom were careless, now we had to deal with the matter.

In my mind, I tried to convince myself that I could learn to love this woman. I told myself that I would just be patient and she would become the type of woman I needed her to be and we would eventually get  married and become a family and live happily ever after. That's right, you guessed it. I was wrong. I was one of those naive young people who think you can change a person. Over the next 6 years of my life, I found out that no one can change anyone. Change can only come from within. Needless to say, I could never change her and we never married.

My problem is that we have been broken up for about 2 years now, but....... (Brace Yourself) we still live in the same household. We don't sleep together and we don't do any type of activities together. The only thing we do together is take care of our daughter (go to doctor visits, parent-teacher conferences, etc... There is no sex involved between us and I don't lust for sex with her. (I have been celibate for 2 years).

The problem is that she does not work (Has not worked since she was pregnant - She became a stay at home mom). I have asked her for the past 2 years to find a job now that our daughter is in school full-time. I explained to her that I plan on getting a house of my own and she needs to do the same. Since she and I are not a couple anymore, I feel she should pay her own way and get out and get her own and establish herself. I have been considerate because I don't want to just throw her out without a job, plus I know she won't let our daughter stay with me, she will want her to stay with her. Even though not having my daughter around everyday will be rough on me, I'm willing to do what's right and let her be with her mom.

The most important factor in this maze is my daughter. All she knows is that I'm her father and her mom is her mother. For her whole life it's always been just us three. I don't want to hurt my daughter by splitting up households, but at the same time, I don't want to continue to confuse her and mess her life up. It's not healthy for any child to be in a household where mommy and daddy don't function or behave in a manner that is consistent with normal parents. Don't get me wrong, her mom and me get along just fine. We probably have gotten along better in these last two years since we have officially not been a couple. But, at the same time, I know it's not healthy for my daughter to be in this type of household. I don't want her to continue seeing me and her mom's relationship and think this is what a meaningful relationship between a man and woman should be.  I want her to develop good relationships with men in her future. I don't want us to mess her up in life.   

Sorry this thing is so long.

To sum it all up, the question I have for you all is what should my next move be? It is evident that the mother of my child has gotten comfortable in our living situation. I have been asking her to get a job for 2 years now and she still does not have a job. I need her to get herself established and situated so that she can take care of herself and our daughter. (Of course I will be contributing my part  with my fair share of child support contributions, spending weekends, etc..) I have been studying the word, waiting on God, worshiping and just trying to become a better Christian. I know this web we have weaved with our living situation is not pleasing to God. I know I have to get out of this situation (and I will), especially for the sake of my child. But I just need feedback from you all on the best way to make this transition.

My God continue to bless you all.

[David Dupree]

Hello Mr_John316 and welcome to deepwaters.

Wow!  You have a loaded situation on your hands.  I am curious about a couple things though.
1-Has your live-in also (to your knowledge) been abstaining from sex the last two years?
2-what type of daily interaction do you have with her? Does she also cook and do your laundry?
3-What makes her baggage so much worse than yours? For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. 
4-Why do you say that you "had no choice but to stay in the relationship with her for the sake of your daughter"?

The reason I ask those questions is because you seem to have made some good moves "for the sake of your daughter."  Maybe your live-in has made some to.  Maybe the same thing that first attracted you to her can once again attract you.  Maybe you two could get some counseling and see if there is a chance that she could overcome her baggage and you not hold it against her. 

You seem to have been able to live with her and her baggage for the last 7 years albeit the last 2 of those years you have not been a couple-yet living under the same roof. 

Does she have the "same" level of God-consciousness that you do? 

As you may know by now, women in general are replicators and responders.  Therefore, if you don't like what you are getting, you have to check what you are giving..cause women will give it back, but it will be multiplied and in a different form.    Remember when you point your finger, there are three pointed back at you. 

Now that you have gotten yourself on track with God and seem to be positioning yourself spiritually, you may be better able to deal with the mechanics of a godly relationship.  Maybe your baby's mother will follow your lead down the right path as she did following you down the wrong path. 

No, she hasn't changed...but if you have changed then that is the key.  Apparently your changes have been helpful to allow the two of you to coexist in the same abode as your daughter since as you say, you two have gotten along better since not being a couple.  Maybe she needs more time to see that the changes in you are real.  Maybe she wasn't the one who needed changes in the first place. 

To your original question---If you are certain that she will not "change" and is not developing her Christian walk as you are, then yes, it may be time for you to move forward.  I don't know though why you assume that would make you an absent, visiting dad.  Why can't you be the custodial parent?  Why can't you have a shared custody arrangement?

If you are going to move forward, then you should begin to act like it now.  In other words, find out what you would be paying in child support.  Begin to give that to her now or put it aside in an account so that you can get used to living on less since you will still need your own residence etc. 

And again I digress...she has gotten comfortable with your situation.  In my view this means either of two things. a) she is either a no-good ghetto girl trying to mooch off of a sugar daddy; or b) she is hopeful that you will "come around" and y'all become or continue to become that family she seems to take comfort in. I guess there could also be a "c".  Maybe she feels stuck like you with no way out and feels powerless to do much about it.
Does she go to church with you and your daughter? 

If she will not move and you know that is no longer a healthy place for you, then you find a new place to live.  You move out.  If it is your lease, find a new place and put in a notice with the rental company.  Let her know when you will be going and when you will cease to pay rent there.  Just be ready for the consequences.  Be ready for a new test.  Be ready to spend time at court.  Be ready to pay out some bucks.  Be ready to put your job at risk.  Count the cost!

dd