The Mirror of Truth

[Novelist]

Hello to Everyone in Deep waters,

Here I am once again with a recurring nightmare: My relationships with others.  Somehow, I relaspe into a mode of depression, insecurity, and feeling lonely because my relationships are tainted.  Beginning with my friendship.  I will admit I have been frank with my words and they were not kind, especially in my tone.  I did not use profane language or call any names because I do not speak that way.  However, it was bad enough.  For a long time, I had issues with myself, going through self esteem issues and not feeling wanted.  Although I had friends and associates, I continually smile and laugh, yet my heart was broken.  I will not go back to my childhood or teenage years because that is another story.  My adulthood is painful enough because I had taken so much time to develop to this point and I am still going through the motions of life.  My best friend and I get along, but there is something in our friendship that keeps recurring.  It is like a cloud of disgust, disappointment, and distance.  We talk sometimes and although we are working women, we do not have all the time in the world to hang out like we use to, but it still hurts me to see that we are in the same mess.  I will confess my problems because I want to get everything out as much as possible.  I continually go through moments when I do not feel cherished by her in our friendship because she does not open herself to me in some ways. For one, it may not seem like a big deal, but she does not invite me to her house to mingle with her family and we have been knowing each other for at least 9 or 10 years.  As for me, I invited her to be with my family most of the time because I want her to feel apart of who I am and where I came from.  To me, it is important for my close friends to be familiar with my family and to be treated like family.  There is a time for everything, but to me, she is not inviting when it comes to that.

Also, over the years, I have been insecure about myself and what I mean is who I am as a woman, my career, my emotional, spiritual, and physical being. I did not feel accomplished even after graduating from college because I was having such a hard time landing the job I wanted and so forth.  Moreover, I know that love and truth walks together.  I can be stubborn, but I rather face reality and know that I need to change.  No matter how many times I mess up, I am determined to change because I do not want to relaspe to depression or disgust for the rest of my life.  The mirror of truth is showing me so much more because there are some things in me that need to go.  It brings a nasty picture, but in the long run, I want to reflect and know that anyone can change because of faith in God and prayer to get me through.  My relationships with men are terrible and tiring because I feel vulnerable, lustful, and I know that is wrong.  Men are difficult to talk to about certain parts of my life because I do not feel comfortable with them.  I am not sure if that is because of the absence of my father or not, but my social life with men have been rocky for years.  The mirror of truth is what it is and I am ready to face off my issues with prayer, dedication, determination, changing my mind and heart to things of God and not depending on man.  So far that has been my downfall for years.  Trusting others is hard to do, since I had issues with my biological parents.  Not to blame them completely, but they have a part in how my life started out and that has been painful to deal with.  Does anyone have any tips or suggestions on ways I can handle my relationships better and how to get over certain hurdles in my life without jeopardizing or blocking my progress?

Love and Prayers,

Novelist.