divorce

[Stephanie]

I am about to be separated and then divorced from my husband - who has been expressing this desire for more than a year now. He says its because I am not helping him witht he finances of the family.

I started my own business to have a flexible schedule so that I could be available for our children - we have three all under 5 yrs old.

I think it's unfair for him to try to make me feel guilty for not "wearing the pants" in the family. Its almost as if He prefers the switched roles of Him being the mother/nurturer and me being the bread winner. I grew up in a home where that was unheard of - as a matter of fact my relatives have been questioning his manhood and sexual orientation for some time now.

It's hard to let go - but I am now at a place where I think that I have to. :-/

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Stephanie. I can sense your pain and struggle as you deal with the prospect of being separated/divorced from your husband, and I want to encourage you that even in this, God is able to bless you and give you hope. There are many marriages that have been on the brink of divorce that have been restored. But restoration takes two people who are willing to realize their commitment to doing what it takes to make the marriage work. Separation does not always have to lead to divorce. A couple can use the time of separation to "cool off," clear their heads, and focus on making themselves, and consequently, their marriages, better. Your husband has indicated that he wants to leave. It could be that if your husband does leave, he may realize that leaving can present a whole new set of emotional, financial and other problems. It's possible that he may realize that leaving is not really what he wants after all. But, what you do now should not be contingent upon what your husband does or does not do. You need a plan.
 
Reality check. When I was carrying my son, the closer I got to the delivery date, the more panic threatened to set in. When I took the time to look at the facts (instead of speculating about what might happen), I was able to face the delivery with greater confidence--even though I knew there would be pain involved. There were some things I was able to do before, during and after the delivery to help me get through that painful process. Before delivery, there were steps that I could take that would help to minimize my pain and make the delivery easier. During delivery, I knew that there were a team of people skilled in the area I needed help in who were available to help me through the process. After delivery, I was able to get instruction that would help me to heal, recover, and step into my new role with confidence. The same is true for you. The reality is, while this is a painful situation to deal with, you can and will make it through this.
 
Recognize who you are. You are a resourceful woman. You have already proven your resourcefulness by creating your own business opportunity so that you can be more available to your children. Use that resourcefulness to your advantage--from buying clothes and groceries, to generating income, to managing your self, your time and your household--ask God to show you how. You are not without help. God will help you and there are resources available to help you make it through this transition.
 
Respect the position if you can't respect the person. One of the things I read in your note is a lack/loss of respect for your husband from your family, but most importantly from you. Family are entitled to their opinions, but that is your husband and the father of your children. Guard your relationship with your husband and your children's relationship with their father. Don't allow yourself, your children or other friends or family members to disrespect your husband and the father of your children. Even if your husband's actions are not deserving of respect, his position is. This is an opportunity for you to grow and also an opportunity to teach your children what is right. Respect is something that not only does every person (especially men) need, it is something that God requires of you as a wife. The Amplified Bible puts it this way: "...and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." (Ephesians 5:33)
 
Re-prioritize. You mentioned your financial contribution as one of the areas that your husband is using as an excuse to leave. Whether there is any validity to his claim or not, this is a good time to take a look at your financial situation and put your priorities in order.

• Get a clear picture of your finances. Take inventory of your assets and any debt that you might have. Develop a budget. There are free resources for budget counseling and debt counseling listed on the Deep Waters financial resources page that you can put to immediate use. Taking a step towards greater financial responsibility and stewardship will help you and your children both in and out of marriage.
• Make sure that tithing is a priority in your financial plan. (A tithe (in it's basic form) is ten cents out of every dollar.) This is a great opportunity for you to put God's word to the test. He has promised that He will bless you as you demonstrate your willingness to be obedient (see Malachi 3:8-12). As a mother of three young children you have to make every penny count. God wants to prove to you that He can do more with your dime than you can do with your ninety cents.
• Divorce yourself from other people's opinions. "Keeping up with the Joneses" has wreaked havoc in many homes. For all we know, the Joneses may shop at upscale consignment shops or bargain basements. The Joneses are not paying your bills, or buying your food and clothes: you are. Take inventory of the things that are most important and necessary and keep these things in mind when you feel pressured to use your finances in a manner that is "pleasing" to others instead of being most beneficial for you and your family.

Release yourself. There's a story I heard about a monkey who had his hand caught in a jar. There were some nuts in the jar that he wanted to hold on to. He had all of the nuts in his hand and his hand was clenched into a fist in order to hold on to the nuts. The problem was the very things he was holding onto were the things that were keeping him trapped. Every time he tried to pull his hand out of the jar he got stuck because his hand was clenched. He did not realize that in letting go of the things he was holding on to, he would set himself free. Marriage in biblical terms is compared to two oxen that are bound together with a single yoke around their necks. The strength of the oxen is in their working together, moving in the same direction for the same purpose, and bearing the load together. If your husband wants to break the yoke and go in another direction, realize that even though his attempts to break the yoke on his own are painful to you, staying yoked in that condition can be even more painful. Change is an opportunity for growth.
 
There is a response in the "School of Fish [Life Issues Affecting Relationships]" that deals with letting go of hurt and pain that also may be beneficial to you. Please feel free to ask any additional questions or express what you're going through. We are here to help you through this difficult time. That's what Deep Waters is all about.