Where do I go from here?

[Novelist]

Greetings to everyone in deep waters,

After posting hundreds of messages, I find myself going in circles in relationships.  This is not the first nor the last attempt in receiving opinions, feedback, and of course the truth.  My dilemma is my attitude in relationships.  I seem to cling too much and that is a bad characteristic.  Although, it is wonderful to be affectionate, I take it in a different direction.  I want attention and I am not getting it.  Yes, it is childish, I will admit.  No excuses, it is hideous.  Somehow this montrous attitude comes out of me through anger, isolation, jealousy, envy, and the list goes on.  I am embarassed and appalled by all of these things that I allow myself to become.  For one, my friendship is going shipwreck once again because of me.  I continue to be angry and jealous because my "bestfriend" has it all.  It appears that she has the boyfriend, job, and what's next? Marriage, and honestly, I am not sure I can handle that.  I want to be happy for her, however, my selfishness gets in the way.  Sometimes, I think, "Is is worth going through?" I am tired.  Misery seems to be the only company I keep.  As far as my family history, there are some threads in this.  I have abandonment and rejection issues.  I cannot take it.  It feels like everyone has a better life than me and they are finding better things to do than to spend time with me.  I have regrets too.  I made too many mistakes and I am not proud of them.  The men I encountered in my life are half time or no time.  They already have their eyes on someone else when I thought it was me.  How lame was that?  I am always hiding and trying to be perfect, when I am so far from it.  I just want to be who God wants me to be, be an example for someone else, which I do not think I am, but okay, but overall, I want to live a good life and be cherished.  Where do I begin?  Where do I go?

I am not boasting about these things because it has shown to be the number one reason why I am alone right now.  Being miserable and alone does not work very well.  As the days go by, resentment takes place, I want to give up and drop everything.  What is the point? Why put myself or anyone else through the misery because no one wants to deal with me, especially my bestfriend.  We have been friends for a long time, but there are too many scars behind us.  Truthfully, I am the blame for this and I feel terrible.  Inside, I am this compassionate, affectionate, creative, sweet individual, but when life smacks me in the face with another problem, I am torn all over again.  Do not get me wrong, I had some wonderful times with my bestfriend and others, but my life is taking a new direction and now I am more confused on where I need to be.  Honestly, I did not pray about it lately, although I have prayed in the past.  My relationship with God is void because I do not make time to pray, fast, and read the word as I should.  I know what to do, I don't do it.  My life has been a rocky road from birth until now.  Excuse me, this is the way I think about life, from beginning to end.  I am futuristic and curious about what is going to happen.  I am fearful of being old and alone.  I want to achieve more than school or receiving accolades on the job.  I want a purposeful life so that I can be purposeful to others.  I have not been a good afterhought lately because it proves in how many phone calls I receive. Only a few.

My relationships go sour because I am.  Most of the time, I am busy being a different character to different people because there are certain sides I don't want people to see versus what I want them to see.  I try to be myself no matter what, but when it comes to personal things, I seem to display myself in the wrong way to others.  I am not blaming others for this because I have to be responsible for what I do, however, some of them have contributed toward the way I feel and it adds more fluid to the flames of my fury.  I pray that God will heal me of all this sin, hurt, and esteem issues.  It is time for me to liberated and learn how to live for God and me.  It's not what I don't know, it is what I know and learning how to apply it to my life and passing it on to someone who is in need as well.  I am loved.  God loves me.  Sometimes, it is tough to love me and expect everyone to do the same.  It begins with me.  I must begin with me.  Life is never carefree, but if I learn how to deal with it in a healthy way, maybe I can see a new route that will lead me to my destiny.  Someone help me, I need a compass of life, to show me the way.  Thank you.


Novelist.

[ethereal]

Nov,

1 thing i can say about u is that u never leave us guessing about what's on your mind 

All i am going to say is this: if u try to just live each day is it comes, with no worrying about "the future", it may help a little. sometimes our fears about what "may be" get in the way of our "is happening" (follow?)

[David Dupree]

Nov, 

I agree with ethereal.  Let me add though, that you have the tools that you need.  You already have the compass. You just have to use what you have.  Some of the advice and encouragement that you have given on this site has just been "on!"  Then you will come back with a posting in a different category that makes me wonder if it was really you who previously had given the sound advice. 

A song says "stand firm on what you know to be true."  If you just use what you have, then you will be just fine.  Sometimes, you just need to stretch the application of what you know into areas that you haven't applied it yet.   

You work on those areas that need work by working on those areas that need work.  I know that sounds circular, but still it is a truth.  Therefore, if you know that you have a problem with jealousy of your friend then work on that. combat it.  confront it. control it.  And definitely hit the issues that cause you to feel that way...self esteem etc.   Build your esteem by reminding yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Learn to admire those traits in your friend that make you jealous.  Separate the traits from the person.  Cause you can have those traits too if you really desire them.  Then too, recall that  you may not know what your friend went through to acquire some traits or things.  Can you pay the price?  Can you "drink of the cup."  Many times we want the prize, but we never want to run the race.  "Stay in the race, keep the faith, you have to hold on; you can be strong."

dd