Runs in the family...

[Shulamitegrl]

I'd like for my DW family to give me some honest advice and discussion on this post. I was listening to a favorite talk radio show one evening on my commute home from work and the topic was "How To Identify An Abusive Man". They covered all aspects of abuse ranging from verbal to physical and stuff in between. I've never been in a physically abusive relationship. But I've encountered several that were emotionally, mentally and spiritually abusive. Spiritual abuse leaves very deep scars. Anyhoo, on the talk show, they special guest mentioned that women tend to stay in abusive situations because of being groomed or raised to be "hypertolerant" whereby our mothers and their mothers (particularly African-Amer) were known to be strong, resiliant, able to withstand the deeps hurts. 

What has ended up happening is that a generation of women who put up with men mistreating us has been birthed.  We accept it as the norm and even have developed a kind of thirst or addiction to it.  So when rap and R&B music degrade us, we just continue the damage by addressing each other in the same manner.

Having said all of that brings me to my point (sort of). That term "hypertolerant" really upset me because it caused me to see why I stay too long in relationships that are apparently bad for me. I'm always thinking, "just pray and hold your peace, God will work it out" OR, "just be sweet, he'll come around." OR "try to understand what he's been through and minister to him.." STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!

I watch my mother put up with some very inappropriate behavior from my Dad. Though he's never laid a hand on her, he is very controlling and bullies  us (her) a lot. It bothers me because I'm concerned that I too will marry a man with these traits.  How would I go about counteracting a lot of this learned behavior? Any books to suggest? Even when I tell myself not to approach a relationship with unhealthy behavior, eventually I still end up in that same 'putting up with unncessary harmful behavior from others. (not just men either). I tend to withdraw and not connect well in new enviroments fearful of relationships that will end up controlling, manipulating or abusive in some way. Any help would be greatly appreciated as I see this as a major stronghold in my life that blocks me from God's blessings. Thank. Be blessed!

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Shulamitegrl. I have been in an abusive relationship and to personalize the old song, "It's not my mother or my grandmother, but it was me, Oh Lawd, that was standing in the need..." Specifically, my need was for boundaries.

After I got out of that abusive relationship I did some serious soul searching and self examination to try to understand why and how I 1) ended up with an abusive man; 2) stayed with an abusive man for as long as I did (a little over a year). I discovered that my problem was a lack of boundaries.

I have always been concerned (and still am) about how my behavior/actions/words make others feel. I realized that every relationship I had been in up to that point was because I didn't want to, or didn't feel confident or courageous enough to say 'no.' None of the relationships I was in up to that point were relationships that I chose. I never selected the individual I was with; I was just with each one because they asked me to be. I placed other people's feelings above my own.

I later learned that I needed to set boundaries. I needed to exercise my 'no.' I needed to speak up when things bothered me and about things that I didn't like. I needed to let the other person know how I would and would not be treated. I needed to be truthful with myself and others at all times (which required the development of some "soft skills" for learning how to be truthfully tactful and learning to confront when necessary). I needed to realize that my instincts, opinions, desires, needs were just as important as everyone else's. I had to learn that it was okay for people to be upset with me if I didn't do what they wanted and that it was not okay for me to compromise myself just for the sake of not making someone else upset.

I learned, through the scriptures, that I am a person of value and since I am a person of value I have a right and a responsibility to make choices that are best suited for who I am, where I'm going and what I'm about. You see, it's really not about your mother or your grandmother and what they did or did not tolerate. True, we may be predisposed to certain kinds of behavior and mindsets because of what we have been exposed to and how we've been influenced. But, the bottom line is that now, as an adult, you (and I) have the power to make different (healthier/smarter) choices.

There are always warning signs with abusive people. The problem is we, especially us ladies, often ignore the signs. Often, we ignore our God-given instincts. This is a mistake. There's a time to pray for, and there's a time to pray about. With an abusive person, that's not time to pray about, that's time to pray for while you head for safety!

You do not have to be concerned about marrying someone with abusive traits. That will not happen if you do the following: know yourself; know your worth; say 'no' to anything and anyone that will diminish either one. Ladies (and gentlemen): EXERCISE YOUR 'NO!'

I recommend the following resources:
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I attended the seminar and read the book and both were life-changing for me.

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good For You by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Though The Vision Tarry: Waiting For My Promised Mate by yours truly. I recommend this because you will read how I got in an abusive relationship, how I got out, and all of the lessons God taught me about who I was, where I needed to be and where He was taking me.

You can find all of these resources on the Deep Waters resources for abuse page.

Another resource I would strongly recommend is found on the Deep Waters resources for singles page. It's called Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner by Neil Clark Warren. This title might sound corny, but the book is (to quote my comments on resource page) "one of the best premarital resources I've ever read! It will help you to ask the hard and necessary questions that will allow you to take a good look at who you are and to develop a better idea of the kind of person who would be best suited for you."

One final resource I would recommend is found on the Deep Waters home page and that is the eHarmony Personality Profile. In order to get a better understanding of the kind of person that is suited for you, you have to know you. This personality profile is an excellent way to take a good look at yourself, your personality, how you think, your likes/dislikes, etc.

You are right: unhealthy behavior will greatly hinder you. But just the fact that you are taking note of it and want to take steps to correct it means you are definitely on the right track to wholeness and blessings. 

[Sandra Mizell Chaney]

Dear Sister,

I commend you for recognizing that you have been in relationships that have been abusive.  The first step is recognizing and the second step is seeking help.  You are correct in that the behavior is learned and at some point we must break the cycle.  I would encourage you to seek counseling to begin to remove the layers of hurt and pain.  Be gentle with yourself.  This process will take a while.  Spend sometime with self and God.  Allow him to begin to take you to those places that have been locked for so long.  Journaling your thoughts throughout the process will help you tremendously.    WHen you come across relationships that don't seem right. listen to your spirit and let it guide you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us "To trust in the Lord with ALL of our hearts and lean not to our own understanding, but it all of YOUR ways acknowledge him and He SHALL direct your path.  Seek God to see if  this relationship is right for you, whether it is male or female. God will let you know and if it is not right he will remove that person.  The bible tells us that God wants us to prosper and be in GOOD health even as our souls prosper.  I just wrote a book called "Give It To Her:  The Gift of Healing and Restoration."  In this book I talk about abusive relationships and how to begin your healing.  Please visit my website: www.sandramizellchaney.com to read excerpts of the book.  I pray this was helpful.

Blessings
Minister Sandra

[Shulamitegrl]

Thank you and bless you Sis. Admin & Sis Chaney. I have had some counseling, been involved in day programs several years ago. But there are some problems that are surfacing now that I am praying as to how the Lord would have me dig into and seek restoration. I will be ordering a copy of your book (Sis Chaney). I believe this is one of the areas that has hindered me for the majority of my adult life, that has blocked me from many blessings and from many opportunities to be a blessing.  I appreciate your words of wisdom and most of all your support! I'll keep you updated on my progress. --Blessings