Considering Reconciliation

[pressingon]

This is pretty long but I appreciate any wisdom you can impart to me 

My ex-husband and I have developed or renewed a frienship since our divorce in March 2005.  To give a little background, we dated for about 3 years on and off.  In the off he conceived a son with someone else, and I got pregnant with our daughter.  We reconciled and got married prior to the birth of our daughter.  No ceremony, we just went to the justice of the peace.  I had a new Pastor at the time and didn't think he would marry us under such circumstances.  We were married for 3 years. We had our share of ups and downs.  My ex accepted Christ and was baptized.  He became a very active part of our new church.  And even begin to share Christ and invited more people to church then me.

Throughout the 3 years of marriage we encountered many big issues.  He had a serious legal issue with the mom of his son, an was accused of child abuse.  This was a very stressful time for us both, including court visits, the financial burden of hiring and attorney, and meetings with Child Protective Services.  I confronted my mom about sexual abuse by her husband.  And she denied it.  I withdrew.  I didn't realize it at the time but I was depressed.  I gained about 30 lbs.  And had big time trust issues.  Neither of us were happy in the marriage.  We had tried a couple of sessions of marriage counseling but my ex was very affected when the Pastor of our church stated that the church wasn't growing and that he was dissolving the ministry. As a new christian he could not understand this and no longer wanted to go to church.

My ex was in the military and received orders to move to another state about 5 hours away.  We were convinced that since it was just for a year and then his service time would be up that I should just stay with my grandma.  We both knew that absence would either make the heart grow fonder or that we would realize that we had made a mistake getting married.

I later found out that as soon as he moved away he reunited with an old high school friend and within weeks she was pregnant.  During this tiime we would speak and visit with one another and he kept this a secret from  me.  I begin to work through my problems and started taking care of myself.  And hoped that we could reconcile as I was now ready to work on my marriage.  When we were together things would be good and when I would talk to him about him coming home he would shut down or say that I'm better off without him.  Needless to say, this time was full of confusion.  Well I knew that I had to move out of my grandma's house.  It was getting harder for me to put on in front of everyone and my family was starting to ask questions.  I knew for my daughter's sake, who at the time was 4, that I should move out so that we could be on our own while we work through our family issues.

I knew about the woman he was with and would ask about their relationship but he would deny everything.  My daughter went to spend the summer with him and my inlaws and when calling the family home she answered the phone.  Something just told me it was her and I asked her and she told me that they had sex together and were a couple.  He didn't admit to the child until after the divorce because he said he felt convicted and was working with getting his life right with God and so he had to tell me the truth.

I went through the divorce process.  I iniated it and did it myself without a lawyer.  We had no assetts or debts together and we agreed on the custody and support arrangements for our daughter so it was pretty easy and only took about 3 months.

Since the divorce we've maintained a frienship.  If for nothing but for the good of our child.  He would often tell me how much he wishes he would have done things differently.  That he was running away from our marriage problems and didn't want to stick around and help with my issues.  He's profusely apologized.  He's been talking like this, and I let it go in one ear and out the other, quickly shutting him down.  But now I believe he really means it.  He's found a church where he lives and I just feel like he's had a spirit change.  His talk and actions are very different.

I also have done some looking back and there are things I would've done differently as well.  Because of what he did its easy to point the finger at him for our relationship turning out bad but I played a part as well.  We've recently been discussing our feelings talking about things we should have talked about then.  But I think it has been a good healing for both of us.

He is no longer in a relationship with that woman but maintains contact and is taking care of his son.  I still love him and really I would love to have my family back.  With Christ as the center of course.  I think this divorce has caused both of us to do some growing and I think he better appreciates me as "A Good Thing."

Where do we begin?  How do I tell my heart not to get ahead of me?  How do I begin to trust him again?  Does forgiveness mean that I treat him as if he hasn't wronged me in the past?  How will I know if I can accept his new son?  I've seen him once.  I invited them to the amusement park for our daughter's birthday.  She loves him and I knew it would be good for her to see everyone together and getting along.  Actually, I was at total peace that day as I met the son and his mother.  Phillipians 4:7 came alive for me on that day    However, then we weren't trying to reconcile.  And hadn't discussed it.  Well, he brought it up but I wasn't hearing him at that time. 

I feel like don't have many to confide in because they won't understand why I would want to reconcile with all he's done.  I have a few people but only one friend that has been through a similar situation.  I just pray for God's will to be done for all of us.

[Breathedonme]

Greetings Sister!

I have 2 questions, how long has he been out of this other relationship?  Do you know the circumstances why the relationship ended (outside of what he tells you as well as what he tells you)?

[pressingon]

They have been broken up for about 6 months.  He told me that they were just not good together.  He thought he was going to something better but they couldn't work things out.  HE said he realized that the grass was not greener on the other side and just wished that he had worked on our relationship when he had the chance.  He said once he made the mistake he just tried to make the best of it but it just didn't work.

I met her and she told me that they had problems.  She was insecure about his feelings for me.  We didn't go into details though so I only know what he's told me.

[Forum Administrator]

Where do we begin?  How do I tell my heart not to get ahead of me?  How do I begin to trust him again?  Does forgiveness mean that I treat him as if he hasn't wronged me in the past?  How will I know if I can accept his new son?  I've seen him once.  I invited them to the amusement park for our daughter's birthday.  She loves him and I knew it would be good for her to see everyone together and getting along.  Actually, I was at total peace that day as I met the son and his mother.  Phillipians 4:7 came alive for me on that day    However, then we weren't trying to reconcile.  And hadn't discussed it.  Well, he brought it up but I wasn't hearing him at that time. 

I feel like don't have many to confide in because they won't understand why I would want to reconcile with all he's done.  I have a few people but only one friend that has been through a similar situation.  I just pray for God's will to be done for all of us.

Hi pressingon. There's an expression that I heard years ago that stuck with me and that I've used many times. It goes like this: time has a big mouth. If you give anything enough time, it will tell you everything you need to know. Now to your questions.

Where do you begin? Since you are considering reconciliation, I would recommend intense, practical and biblical pre-marital counseling. You need to bring your stuff, his stuff, and all the other stuff to the table. See what's there that needs to be discarded and what you can hold onto. Prove (test) all things and hold onto that which is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21). This will take time. Don't be in a hurry. The foundation you would set in this phase will determine how or if your relationship will be built. One of the primary purposes of pre-marital counseling should be to see IF you are suitable for one another.

How do you tell your heart not to get ahead of you? Don't tell your heart anything.  Tell your mind. "See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil." To walk circumspectly means that you take your time and walk around a thing and examine it closely. See what's there (and don't deny it). See what's not there (and don't deny it). Make good use of (redeem) this time. "Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is." Make sure you take the time to ask (and continue to ask) God what His will is concerning this relationship. Find out what He wants you to do. He promises to give you direction and the kind of wisdom that will keep you headed in the right direction (see James 1:5; Proverbs 3:5-6; above scripture quotes from Ephesians 5:15-17).

How do you begin to trust him again? You don't. Don't put your trust in man. Put your trust in the God that you see in the man. If you don't see any God in him (now and over time), there is nothing for you to trust.

Does forgiveness mean that you treat him as if he hasn't wronged you in the past? Yes and no. When you forgive, you choose not to hold the offense against the person. However, you do not throw yourself back into the same situation without knowing that the offender has indeed changed. That would be unwise. I recommend you do a search in the forum using the keyword 'forgive;' narrow your search to the "Catch of the Day" category and you will find a wealth of relevant information to address your question further.

How will you know if you can accept his new son? You'll never know how you'll handle a situation until you handle a situation so no need in worrying about it in advance.  ;)Whether you are reconciled to your ex-husband or not, you have no ought with the child. One thing is for certain, if it did come to that, God can give you grace not only to accept the child, but to love him. "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16) When you need grace, grace is available.

Seek to do what pleases God. It matters not what anyone thinks or says about it. If God is for you, who can be against you?  So see to it that you make sure that He's for you.  Continue to seek His will. Let your desires and specific requests be made known and be ready to hold on or let go as God requires.