Need serious advice

[goodfriend]

Hey all, this is my first time using this forum, and so far I'm very impressed at the community and the wisdom. I am currently not dating at the present. The lady that I was dating previously happened to be my best friend before the relationship started. We (had been best friends for a while) and decided to start dating. We both had rough past relationships that ended pretty bad, so in many ways we brought baggage into the relationship, but we thought since we knew each other's baggage, we could work them out together. Well this plan fell through, unfortunately my friend still had feelings for her previous ex, whom she believes she heard the Lord tell her was to be her husband. Well things got bad between her and I, and we stopped dating, she broke it up.

not long after she and I broke up, she started pursuing her ex again, and trying to find out answers from him about their relationship in hopes of restoring it. The whole time her ex would try to convince her to get back with me and give it another chance (her ex is my friend). He even told me that she wasn't his, and that i could have her.

She admitted to me that although previously she had stated that she was no longer interested in her ex, that he had chosen not to be with her, so with his decision , and after waiting over a year for him to change his mind, she decided to let it go, and decided  that she was interested in me, that she was choosing me now, well ofcourse she's no longer interested in me, but in her ex now, whom is the love of her life,  the one whom she believed the Lord told her was the one for her. I gave her my blessings, and let her go, including her friendship. Because i didn't think it was a healthy situation for a friendship.

Not too long later, I came to find out that her ex didn't give her the reception that she thought she'd get, she came back to him a year plus after he had broken up with her, and wanted to rekindle their relationship again. Well he had cold feet. Now out of no where, she starts calling me again, asking if I would reconsider getting back into a relationship with her again. (She's saved, and filled with God by the way)

I told her that it was not in our best interest, that I believe that the blessings of the Lord make rich and add no sorrows. I however am very hurt because I feel like the second band, not the first choice, like a rebound...and i am hurt that my best friend (past) would even put me through this, especially knowing what i've been through.

Am i wrong to have told her no to a potential relationship, and do you think its wise to ever get into a relationship with this person again?

[purity]

Hi Sirstrumalot,

Welcome to Deep Waters!

Am i wrong to have told her no to a potential relationship, and do you think its wise to ever get into a relationship with this person again?

Are you wrong? Absolutely NOT (in my opinion) Is it wise to reconcile your relationship? I would think NO!

Clearly this woman is playing games with your heart and her ex's heart. She doesn't know what she wants and seems to be unstable in her thinking. The bible says that a double minded man is unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides].

James 1:8 - They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.

Its up to you to put a stop to it (as you have) and keep a stop to it. True enough it will hurt but you would rather it hurt now and bless you later than to end up in a bed of misery.

I think it would be wise of you to take whatever you have learned from this relationship and move forwards in hopes that this has prepared you for the next one. Don't allow ANYONE to play games with your emotions!

Hope that helps

Purity!

[Forum Administrator]

Hi sirstrumalot. Thanks for sharing. Two of the worst things to live with are regret and doubt. You don't want to be with someone and wonder if they really want to be with you. Making a decision with doubt present is not faith, it's risk and unnecessary risk at that. Faith speaks of confidence. If you cannot move forward in a relationship with confidence, don't move at all: leave it alone.

The relationship you described did not sound healthy. So to answer your question, if the relationship you are considering--this one or any other potential relationship--is unhealthy, you would be unwise to put yourself into that situation. As the Proverb says, that would be "folly" or foolishness and to repeat foolishness is "like a dog returning to vomit" (Proverbs 26:11). 

Granted, all of us have issues/baggage to work through, and working through them is crucial to our good success and effectiveness in relationships, ministry, and life in general. The best time to work through the "baggage" of past relationships is when you're not in a relationship. Knowing someone else's baggage is not enough. If both of you have a "broken leg" neither of you will get anywhere. You'll both just be limping along and hindering each other's progress. Don't allow yourself to become someone else's crutch especially when you are limping yourself  . You have to be made whole first so that you can better see how God may use you to help lead someone else to wholeness.

Everyone wants to be loved and wanted, so there is no shame in your desire to be with someone, especially someone who was once your close friend. Don't allow your pride (or bruised ego) to convince you otherwise. It does not matter that you got involved with someone who did not choose you first. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have the luxury of getting the right relationship right the very first time. Why and when she chose you is an issue that she needs to deal with: that is not your issue so don't make it yours. The issue that you need to examine and deal with is why you chose her.

According to what you have said, this is at least the second relationship that you have been in that has ended "badly." Think about it. Were there any similarities between the two? What issues did you ignore in the friendship that hurt your relationship? What can you do differently the next time to get better/different results? I encourage you to take a good, long and honest look at your past relationships and ask God to help you to see what it is about you that needs to change.

Sirstrumalot, you now have a wonderful opportunity to start afresh.  You can now begin to really work through your "stuff" so that you can be better prepared for what God has in store for you. That is something to get excited about! Your lady friend also has the opportunity to make some changes and to work through the issues that she has also, but that will be her decision to make. She has to realize her own need to change.

It's not about being the first, second or ninety-ninth choice: it's about being the right choice. Now you can focus not only on making the right choice, but on being the right choice also. 

[goodfriend]

Wow Thanks Mr. Administrator and Puirty that was more than enough advice, its funny i understand the situation, what hurts really is why my friend would put me through what she is doing. Why do you think she's acting the way she is? Do you think she ever really loved me? Cos she claims to have feelings for two different people? I have made up my mind not to mess with this, and check myself from the mistakes of this relationship.

THanks

[Chrystal Green Gibson]

God Bless You Sirstrumalot!

Please allow me to congratulate you on your willingness and ability to be healthy and STAY healthy.  This situation was a train wreck waiting to happen, but you seem to have enough faith to let go of a person who most likely would hurt you repeatedly. 

Remember, "hurt people hurt people".  She seems to be very needy -- she is not healthy enough to be in a relationship with you or with anyone else at this time.  I do encourage you to surround yourself with Godly brothers who you can hang out with and share your heart.  The key is GODLY MEN!  These brothers will be able to speak healing and wholeness back into your life.  Also, seek out a good Christian Counselor during this season.  Focus on HEALING and then you will be able to make better choices. 

I do not believe that your former friend had any malicious intent when she hurt you - she seems to be wounded and she is unfortunately not slowing down long enough to get the help that she needs.  Meanwhile - STAY OUT OF HER WAY!  Do not allow the spring flowers and the brids chirping to lure you back into a relationship with her.  DONT'T GET STUCK!  RUN - and get the help that you need.  In God's time, He will reveal someone to you who will be in a better position to love you the way you deserve to be loved.  I hope this helps.   

Chrystal Gibson

[goodfriend]

hey everyone, thanks so much for the advice... i'm really like going through almost feels like withdrawal. I mean this is my best friend we're talking about you know, it just feels like going out of my way to not doing what i am used to doing, however I know that if I want something different, i can't keep doing the same ol jazz over again.

I mean she still contacts me and desires that we try to at least hang out, go out to eat, spend parts of the day together, for her that was our friendship, so in a way, she's not really looking to jump back into the relationship zone just yet, but wants to go back into the very close friendship that we had before, but for me that's hard, because that world has an emotional attachement to it, that i have to cut loose in order to keep moving forward. I just feel that I can accomplish that better by not communicating with her, at least for a season, long enough till i learn from this whole experience, however she's not looking at it from that perspective, and is beginning to give me no other choice but be mean, in a way, have to be a jerk, you know...

its easier for me to walk away, but i don't know if its the high road. Plus, she views that as me not being a risk taker, and views my non communication as indicating that i am still upset over how she hurt me... i don't know what to do...

i just don't want to have my mind preoccupied with her, cos it is. I look forward to emails, and calls, its kindda like the classic withdrawal from a close relationship. I wonder just how long this will be, we broke up in January. I got over previous relationships relatively quickly, and so my hurt makes my head wonder if she's someone special, more so cos i know her so well, being my best friend at one time...

sounds like i'm trying to justify things... just need a second head to help me balance some of this out...

thanks

[Forum Administrator]

Hi sirstrumalot. It is understandable that you feel the way you do because the ending of your relationship had a double impact: you were connected as friends and then in a love relationship. Any way you look at it, you had a relationship that was multi-dimensional and now there has been a shift in that relationship. It's okay to take a "minute" to grieve over and recover from that. As a matter of fact, it's necessary.

What you are doing is healthy. It's called setting boundaries in your relationship so that you can be healthy and whole. It's never easy to set boundaries, and it's usually most difficult (at least in my experience) to set and maintain boundaries with those who are the closest to you. They are the ones that seem to have the hardest time respecting your 'no.'

I mean she still contacts me and desires that we try to at least hang out, go out to eat, spend parts of the day together, for her that was our friendship, so in a way, she's not really looking to jump back into the relationship zone just yet, but wants to go back into the very close friendship that we had before, but for me that's hard, because that world has an emotional attachement to it, that i have to cut loose in order to keep moving forward. I just feel that I can accomplish that better by not communicating with her, at least for a season, long enough till i learn from this whole experience, however she's not looking at it from that perspective, and is beginning to give me no other choice but be mean, in a way, have to be a jerk, you know...

I would suggest that you communicate what you have said in the above quote to your friend (if you haven't already). I think you did a good job of expressing where you are and what your needs are emotionally, and she needs to be aware of that. You don't have to be "mean" or a "jerk" about it.

January was not that long ago so this is all relatively fresh. The fact that your mind and emotions are not disconnecting at the "flick of a switch" is a good sign. It may hurt now, but it won't always hurt. The key is in gaining perspective on what you've been through and using it to make you better. Give yourself some time to sort things out.

Here are a few books that may help you in that regard:

The Gift of Forgiveness by Charles Stanley

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life

Safe People: How To Find Relationships That Are Good For You
Both by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

You can click on the titles to view the descriptive information on one of our resource pages or visit your local bookstore.

We're here to encourage and support you for as long as it takes as often as it takes. 

[Theresa McFaddin]

Everything I was gonna say has definitely been said!  You received some powerful advice.

In regards to feeling as though you are going through withdrawal, that is normal.  Ride it out and know that a healthy relationship is the best way to find longevity.  I don't know if her intentions were set on being harmful to you, but I do believe she needs to to receive some counsel.  We can be saved, love God, and still need relationship help all at the same time!

Bless u!

[goodfriend]

thanks everyone, i feel so poured into. Somehow i almost wish that I had something that preoccupies my time. I've found that things that increase my anticipation to see this person needs to reduce at least for this season, until i get my relationship structure back in God's frame of thinking. I try now not to check my emails as much as i used to, or be in places or surround myself with things that remind me of her. I know from experience, that I want to be moving forward, if it be only inches... Yet it feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps backward, 3 steps forward 2 steps backward kindda feeling, not a consistent trek upwards... i don't want to build momentum and have me crash back down again.

funny thing is that i've been meeting so many blessed sisters since i broke up, infact i've been approached by at least 2 sisters, (who are interested) and more so, there are probably more than are interested. Yet, i know deep in my heart, that none of those roads are for me, so i've been kindly excusing myself from each one, and doing everything in my power to maintain a respectable distance with me and the sisters, my big thing, is to find brothers to surround myself with, the problem is that most of the guys that i know here, i don't have much in common with them, either i'm older than them, or they're older, i mean we don't have a common ground... maybe i should move... hmm.

well thanks again, please i'm just speaking outta my heart, and i'm completely grateful for the words of wisdom that you have poured nto my life. God bless.

How can i remind myself that i am progressing, even on days when i miss her alot, and hurts more because I know she's not missing me that much, but missing someone else?

God's got this whole thing.. thanks everyone...

[heavenbound]

Sirstrumalot,

Women go this very thing quit often.  The main thing is to get yourself busy, busy, busy.  I have found that in my sigleness I am happy alone.  Nothing compares to the relationship I have in Jesus. 

Ask yourself some serious questions in moving forward while it feels you moving backwards at the same time:

When was the last time I've ALONE (to self) and for how long a period of time?  Give God that time now, let him minister to ya.  Trust me HE's a keeper. 

DO you really trust the Lord to get you through this?

When was the last time your Head and Your Heart been on the same road( in unison) with each other.

Don't let your heart take you on a journey your head ain't ready for.  We need to follow the word, it easy and keeps us out of trouble.

Somethings you have to cut out of your life completely.  I thought my kids father was my soulmate.  But all the while He was cheating with not one but several other women.  I had to let it go and for me it was the best thing that ever happened.  It cut like a knife but I am so much better for it.  My relationship with God is stronger.  I can see clearer when I'm approached by people.  How to just be friends without getting emotionally involved.  You have to see things with the eyes, listen intently and know what your getting into.

TRUST ME when I tell you, your gonna Thank God later for not jumpin in to soon.

Hope this helps ya.

Soldier7

[isheila]

I think what we all need is prayer. Prayer for wisdom and the discernment of spirits. For if God is for us who can be aganist us. We need to be guided by the holy spirit and we need to pray asking God to direct our steps and order our paths. The most import thing should be hearing what God is saying about everything in our lives. I pray that God will give a spirit of discernment.