Can Friends Be Lovers?

[Sunshine]

Can friends really become lovers or enter into a  relationship with out destroying the friendship?

You see, me and this guy have been friends for a very long time. And although I didn't say anything to him right away because he had a girlfriend, I have fallen in-love with him. Please don't say that I am too young and that I don't know what love is ,because I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU WONDER WHAT LOVE IS!  Well over about two years as we got to know ech other better we became very close, but we never crossed the line until very recently. (WHEN I SAY CROSSED THE LINE PLEASE DON'T MISS UNDERSTAND, IT WAS JUST A KISS) Anyway, I ended up telling him how I felt and now things have been goiing down hill. I really love this guy, I mean I would do anything for him and I know that he would gladly do the same, so why is our friendship falling apart? We use to talk on the phone for hours about any and everything and now when we see each other we don't even speak we turn and walk the other way. I am a senior and I don't want to lose him. He is someone that I would want to reamin friends with after I graduate, but we see each other everyday and we are not even friends now.

I have waded and waded in this troubled water and it only seems to be getting deeper and I don't know how much longer I can keep my head above the water. Can someone please help?

[Forum Administrator]

Hello again Sunshine. You have asked a very good question. Ideally, a love relationship is built on friendship. However, when intimacy is introduced into a friendship it always changes it. How it changes it depends on the nature of the friendship and the timing and intent of the intimacy. If intimacy is introduced before both friends have established a commitment to one another beyond friendship or--even if a commitment has been established--if the intimacy is premature it can have the effects on the friendship that you are now experiencing.

As a female, you must realize that emotionally you function differently than a male. You have just completed a crash course in the stages of intimacy. Men and women don't usually reach the same stages of intimacy at the same time. Because you as a female will tend to become more emotionally invested in a relationship sooner than a male, in order to protect your own emotional well-being, you will have to guard more carefully against acting on your emotions. When a man becomes invested in a relationship emotionally, you will not have to guess: he will let you know it and he will run after--not away from--you.

As you can see, sometimes what we think is "just a kiss" can turn out to be a lot more. Your friend may have made his retreat for any number of reasons. We could speculate about those reasons, but the best thing would be for you and him to talk about what happened. You must also be willing to face the possibility that he does not feel the same way about you as you do about him. Then you must make a decision about whether or not you can realistically renew a friendship with him without expectation of anything more.

Check out the topics: When to say I love you, What's your take on this? and Stages of physical intimacy

Don't worry Sunshine. This is one of those life experiences that you can grow from, and I believe you will. 

[Novelist]

Sunshine, you are beautiful, yet you are a rosebud, waiting to experience and flourish through life's journey.  Friendships are intimate parts of what we share with those we enjoy being around and sometimes it could cause us to fall for deeper than we think.  Your relationship with Justin is important and I understand.  In my view, friends can be lovers, yet it varies on the individual and their outlook on loving you.  From the moment you kissed, emotions and thoughts were racing through his mind and yours.  Time will reveal, however, your friendship may not be ready for this level.  As one of the stages in your lives, love and lost will come and beginnings and endings will occur.  Therefore you must be ready to experience some of these things in life, but it does not mandate your future or friendship with him.  At this time, it may be confusing and fearful for the both of you.  You are in fear of losing his friendship, while he may be fearful of making the step of commitment to you in a romantic way. 

Sunshine, there are brighter days on the way.  Pray and release these things to God and he will work things out.  In previous years of my life, I experienced failed friendships and at once I had fallen deeply for someone and thought he would be the one, but it was a phase and I had to learn the hard way.  Eventually I became stronger and realized that he was not destined to be more than a friend to me and to make it plain and simple, he is not even a friend to me anymore.  We are no longer communicating because our lives have changed, but I still have respect for him.  What I am saying to you is that life will bring tosses and turns, but you must be ready to deal with it, but you are not alone.  God is with you every step you take.  I pray the best for you and your friendship and be strong, smile!!!! You are more than a kiss, you are rare beauty, so embrace it.


Novelist.

[Sunshine]

  I would like to thank both of you very much for your wonderful advice and words of wisdom and of courage. I have come to find that one of my weaknesses and charter flaws id that I expect things to happen right away. I when it comes to matters of my heart I am not really the kind of person that can just sit back and let "love" run it's course. I want things to happen right then and there, on my time not it's own, but this is something that I am working to change. Although, I KNOW that it will not be easy I am just going to give Justin time to make up his mind as to what he wants and if our friendship is anywhere near where it thought it was in the end we will at least have our friendship.

Thanks again, you have been a great help and a blessing!

God Bless and Keep in touch!                        Sunshine

[Sunshine]

  Hello everyone, I thought that I would give you all an update on this situation. He and I are still not talking. I see him in the hallways at school and he just looks at me. I really miss him. Although I, myself don't understand why, I love him and I am having a really hard time trying to get over him. He has a girlfriend and they have been dating a while. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that she was pregnant *before he and I stopped talking, I told him that she looked like she was but he didn't want to hear it. Anyway, he didn't find out until after she told eeryone else about it. So although he said that he wasn't ready to have a baby began looking for a job, he broke the news to his heartbroken family, and was really excited about having a BABY. Then with out even discussing it with him or his family his girlfriend's mother and she decided to get an abortion. Crazy? Well it gets worse. During the abortion there were complications and she ended up in the ICU over night. Well, girlfriend got up and came to school the following Tuesday and was bragging about the abortion to everyone ,before he even found out about it. I totally understand that this is not really any of my business ,but I LOVE him and it hurts me to see him hurting like this. I WOULD LOVE TO BE THERE FOR HIM DURING THIS BUT I DO NOT KNOW IF HE WANTS ME TO.

PLEASE HELP ME AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD DO!
*FYI - Justin and I go way back we were bestfriends until "the KISS" that was mentioned in the previous reply.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello Sunshine. I'm sorry to hear of the unfortunate events that have happened in the lives of Justin's girlfriend, Justin, and the unborn child. I can't help but wonder if in all of this you haven't had the thought, that could have been me! Whether you've had that thought or not, I'm thankful that it wasn't you who ended up becoming Justin's girlfriend, pregnant, in an abortion clinic, in an ICU, then bragging about it to friends.

I've had several friends who've had abortions, and in every instance they had a lot of inner pain, guilt and anguish for a very long time afterwards. In spite of the front that Justin's girlfriend is putting on when her friends are around, I am sure that when she is away from the "crowd" she is hurting deep inside.

Two things I would encourage you to do. First, don't take up Justin's offense or defense. While what is going on may be of concern to you because of how you feel about Justin, this is not your "battle" so don't develop an attitude towards Justin's girlfriend because of what has happened. This is between her, Justin, and their families.

The second thing I encourage you to do is pray. You can pray whether or not Justin ever speaks to you again. Real love does what is in the best interest of the other person. What you do does not have to be announced or even disclosed. In other words, you don't have to let anyone know that you are praying... just pray. When you pray in secret, God will reward openly.

Pray for Justin. That is one of the most loving things you can do. When you're praying, remember to pray for Justin's girlfriend too. In spite of how you see her acting and speaking around her friends, she's in a lot of pain.

As I've said before, here again is an opportunity for you to grow, both in your relationship with God (through prayer), and in your relationships with others (by demonstrating a mature and loving attitude).  Don't just go through; grow through. 

[Novelist]

Sunshine, life brings challenges and this is one of many.  Our reactions are apart of how we deal with life.  It is terrible as to what is happening between you and Justin, however, it is beyond your control.  Firstly, God is in control although it does not appear to be.  Moreover, you are young and this is the beginning of your love life and how you are going through relationships.  Sweetheart, believe me, I had my heart torn before and it is not a nice memory, however, with prayer and going through the pain, it was a growing pain that I lived through.  I am saying to you, "You are strong because God is strong."  It will take time, but your life must go on.

In regards to Justin's girlfriend and her situation, she is going through a trial as well.  No, she does not show it around her friends, yet she is battling with challenges as a young woman as well.  Maturity takes time and wisdom will take experience.  It is not only common sense, it is life lessons that we will have to face whether we choose or not.  With all in mind, you are required to make a choice as to what will affect you because most of the time we allow things to get to us, and I know for a fact because I have and currently going through issues too.  Be strong, stay beautiful, make new friends, get in shape mentally, physically, and spiritually.  Sure, it hurts, because I felt this way before.  I am sure that you will get better.  There will be better days ahead, just give it time.  In order to heal, you must want to be healed.  Remember, you are loved and a diamond being refined.


Novelist.