Why is it hard for me to get a date?

[Novelist]

For a couple of years or more, I have not been on a date.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I on the Young and the Dateless?  I would like to go out with a nice young man who can have a good time and yet he can be a potential boyfriend.  The dating scene in my life is empty.  If someone approaches me, he is not appealing to me.  Sometimes, I feel unattractive because I am not attracted to all men who come up to me, that is IF anyone approaches me.  Most times, I am not approached at all and that is scary.  What is the secret to attracting a man with integrity, intelligence, and who is God-fearing?  I am not proclaiming to be Miss Universe or the most beautiful, but I have a nice look and try to represent.

What are men looking for?  I am doubting if I have the qualities of what they want and need because I am in the same place as the last few years.  This can bring depression or low esteem because I desire male attention sometimes at least.  It is bothering me because I have been told that I was cute, pretty, beautiful or whatever, yet I am still single, at 25 and I fear of being alone.  I mean, can I go out sometimes and experience a real date for a change!!  This is a challenge for me.

[Forum Administrator]

Novelist, you are making a couple critical mistakes. One, you are assessing your own self-worth based on your dating life (or how much attention you receive or don't receive from men). Secondly, you are assessing your qualifications based on what you think men are looking for.

The secret to being truly attractive is knowing your own worth. You will discover your worth as you uncover and discover your assets (your gifts, talents, resources, abilities, etc.), and as you accept as truth what God says about you as a child of God and an individual with purpose, potential and power.

You cannot be all things to all people. That is the danger of trying to mold yourself into the image of what you think men might be looking for. The qualities that one man may be looking for may be completely different from what another man may be looking for. The question is not what qualities men are looking for, but what qualities you are looking for and developing in yourself.

Relationships require a great emotional involvement, particularly of women. They take a lot out of you. The fact that you have not been going in and out of relationships for the past couple years or so is a blessing! You refer to yourself (in other posts) as a diamond in the rough, and that is a good analogy. To the untrained eye, the worth of a diamond is not readily seen. A lot of the men you will meet may not able to see the worth of a diamond in the rough, but that does not make you any less valuable. God sees you and He knows your worth. Allow Him to polish you up and put the facets in all the right places. If you leave that process in the hands of men, you may end up cracked or chipped away to nothing. The more you work on the issues you have mentioned here in Deep Waters, and the closer your relationship with God becomes, the more your brilliance will become uncovered.

Let the Master diamond cutter work on you until you become the brilliant gem you are destined to be. When you're ready to shine you will be easily found. And, if you stay close to the Master Jeweler, He will see to it that the person who finds you can appreciate the process and the pressures you've endured as a diamond in the rough, and who can fully appreciate and value the uniqueness and individual beauty that is yours and yours alone.

[Novelist]

I appreciate your words of wisdom.  The words of purpose, potential, and power had protruded during the whole response.  Being a diamond in the rough is undertaking great amounts of polishing and refining to shine.  At this point, I am coming to a place where I can recognize my jewels as a prize in the eyes of God and how God loves me.  Although, I know these things, on the humanistic view, I desire love and attention.  Truthfully, I have not experienced the fullness of love in my past relationships.  God loves me and I am a diamond to him.  Right now, I want to succeed in knowing who I am, celebrating the woman that I am.  Often times, envisioning the love of a lifetime is the very moment of happiness that I desire.  

A diamond is rare, uncommon, and possesses value.  For many years, I have not been confident enough to live and shine as the diamond I was born to be.  Here I am a diamond, chipped, cracked, and in need for polishing my whole individuality.  The reason I felt this way is because I get tired of feeling and being alone.  Who wants to be alone all the time?  Yes, I enjoy my solitude, but every now and then, I would like for someone to call me and ask, "Can I take you out?" or "May I call you sometimes and get to know you?".  I may be asking for too much, but when a woman as myself is fearful of loneliness or do not appear as important, I can easily take things personally.  It is like asking, Why? Why? Why? Me? Little me, who has suffered burns, scraps, scars, and open wounds.  How can I get past this?  I want to grow and mature in God, yet my womanhood is tested by non-existing dates or possible friends at least.  I am not sure if God is teaching me a lesson or did I bring this upon myself.  Honestly, I am accountable and responsible for my words and actions and wish to move on and be strong.

In fact, I have been through enough for a lifetime and I know it does not stop here.  My attitude has improved a bit more than before and I am climbing the ladder of discovering more potential and purpose.  I have a heart to love others, help others, and hopefully become strong for myself and others.  This is a battle, but God is with me.  He has been great to me all the time and all I did was displease him, but all of that will change.  Conquering a date is not easy, but finding a diamond in the rough as myself, will not come easy because God is in charge of who is compatible with me.  I am growing and it will take time, but at least I am willing to go through the process, yet it hurts.  Thank you and continue to pray for me.

[Daddys_Girl]

Dearest Novelist,

Hold your head up sister!  I too am 25 years old and I haven't been on a romantic date in over 4 years. I used to wonder what was wrong with me.  I tried changing the way I dressed, the places that i went, i even tried to be a little more "open", but to no avail.  

I cant speak on what God is doing in you, but let me share my testimony.  There were nights that I cried because I was lonely.  The holidays were the worst. I desired a family life, with the husband and children. I started feeling sorry for myself, then it spiraled into depression.  I was a wreck.

Then, the Lord God of Peace comforted me and let me know that I couldn't learn to find happiness in someone else until I learned to find happiness AND joy in Him.  He assured me that He was/is preparing a husband for me, but that if He sent the man now, that I wouldn't know how to love him because of what i was dealing with.  There are PLENTY of married people that are alone and unhappy!  When we rely on people to validate us, our hopes are placed in them.  The problem with that is that people will ALWAYS disappoint you.  God wanted me to see that regardless of the people or circumstance, HE IS GOD.  

It's good not to date alot. You dont want to get your feelings involved with too many people. Furthermore, there is less temptation for sexual sin.

My sister, I'm simply saying to you, trust Him at His Word.  I can't lie and say that those feeling of depression dont try to creep back in, but I've learned to use the Word to help me. Now, I cast down those imaginations and thoughts that come against the knowledge of God.  I am still single, still have not been on a date, but I am happy with me.

PS - There is nothing wrong with you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

[Novelist]

Thank you for that response and since I have not been able to come to the forum and express more questions and answers, I feel much better now.  Currently, I am apart of a group called Diamonds in the Rough and I am receiving God's word from 3 women of God and I am constantly learning about myself and how to deal with life whether it is personal, family, relationships, career, and so forth.  Thank you for such an encouraging word because at times I relapse into the mode of loneliness, but God is with me all the time and I must rely on his word and focus on him no matter what life may bring.  For God knows my future and what is best for me and I am learning how to deal with life in constructive ways instead of destructively.  God bless you.

[gracegirl]

Hello Novelist,
I'm in my early 30's, beautiful and even I can't get a date. But when your a child of the king, you don't want just any ole body cause he has go through daddy first anyway, if you get my drift. When I was in my 20's, I went through the same thing your going through but as I look back I realize that I wasn't ready to date. God was grooming me and shaping me, like Sister Dupree said, into that diamond. And now I feel like that diamond is taking shape because I had to grow and mature in the things of God first. So allow God to work on you first and he'll present your King when the Queen that you are is ready.

[Gracious]

Precious Sisters:

I cannot tell you how your heart-felt words of wisdom are blessing me!!!

Approaching the topic: Why is it hard for me to get a date?

When we loose the focus of menial pressures (I'm too tall, too short, my hips-feet-nose-hair are too...as Sister Forum Admin. eluded to in her post), then we're better able to focus on the THE  REAL...the unseen!!! Our Spiritual Selves!!!

Why can't I get a date???  HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Oft' times our spirit is NOT God centered, it's "ME" centered (I...I...I, Me...Me...Me). We get soooooo preoccupied with "MY" needs, "MY" insecurities (all of which the apostle Paul shared that God would meet in a letter to his beloved friends of Philippi...when he said:

12 "...I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13I can do all things through Christ[1] who strengthens me.      

17Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that abounds to your account. 18Indeed I have all and abound. I am full, having received from Epaphroditus the things sent from you, a sweet-smelling aroma, an acceptable sacrifice, well pleasing to God. 19And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. 20Now to our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen."  

I know the above may sound sing-songy (Yawn...la, la, la...blah, blah, blah...):-/ , to those who haven't been on a date in years...but try and think about it "this-a-way":

Scenario:
You've got this friend/acquaintance/family member , that is soooooo stressful to be around, because every time you turn around they're emitting a needy spirit...soooooo much so, that it drains you to be around them??? It's not that you don't ever want to be around them...it just that their SPIRIT seems to drain the JOY right out of you...even when they've got a smile on their face??? Why??? Could it be, because we are SPIRIT first??? When around others it's easy to forget that our spirit tells more about us (re: our mood- happy, sad, needy, kind, honest, dishonest, etc), than we'd like.

My point is that our seasons of want are usually in direct correspondence to our spiritual health. We God's children are NOT graced to carry the burdens of this Christian race...this life. I mean, why did the Last Adam (Jesus) endure His crucifixion?

Vikki Winans sings:  "Shake Yourself Loose"   Loose yourself of anything that causes you to question Who's you are!!!

Ask the Lord to reveal, what kind of spirit best reflects HIM, and walk in HIS wisdom!!!

My testimony on waiting:

Church....I did everything I've suggested in this post!

I got rid of my funky self-adsorbed-selfish know it all attitude, friends/acquaintances, etc. ;occupied ALL of my free time with helping at food banks/helping others, bargain shoppin' (for Friends, family, ME )...AND...studying HIS WORD. Saints, the Holy Bible is an awesome book! When the spirit of "I need to be held" crept up on me, I did like the commercial said "Don't get mad...Get Glad"...I turned to  the book "Songs of Solomon"...when thangs started gettin' alil' steamy...I turned to the book of "Revelations", and scared myself half to death (very numbing, I mean humbling )!!!

Before I knew it, my mind was cleansed of toxic negativity...I started walkin'/exercising, eating right, feelin' good about myself, blessing God for my waiting (on HIM to send a date, a boyfriend, a Huuuuuuusaband...). Honey, months went by, each day getting better & better!!!

When I least expected it...(7am on a Saturday morning)I hear a knock on my front door. I race to get a chair so as to look through the peep-hole (I'm only 5'2"), it's my IGNORANT-brother, basketball in hand. I open the door, and start walkin' toward the sofa...my spirit said...Uh O' , I turned around in time enough to see an "ADONIS" of a man, standing next to my brother...grinning at me. Huney, his teeth where soooooo white, he looked like he had a box full -a- "Chicklets" sittin' in his mouth!!!   Tall, muscular, looking goooooooooooooooooooood!!!!

The spirit of FEAR came over me, I couldn't move, and I just know my eyes were as big as balloons ...I was speechless, mind racin',  I forgot about my hair (darn that Oprah  show, that told female viewers not wear do-rags...just buy silk pillow cases)...it must have been ALL OVER MY HEAD!!!  Well... the "Chocolate ADONIS" spoke to me, and up my stairs I ran "ZOOM"!!! Needless to say (to make a LOOOOOOOng story short)...today...He's my fiancé !!!  

 
When I asked my fiancé what drew him to me, his answer was:

"My Heart (that's what he calls me), I saw your spirit before I walked through your door and saw you...AND...when I turned around and actually saw you... "IT" WAS ON!!! "

Lawd, the way I was lookin' that Saturday morning...I know it was the Lord...that sent him...and kept him there...Just for me!! !



Gracious

[Novelist]

What a testimony! God is surely on your side and he provided you with the attitude of faith to believe in his word.  As for me, I am getting there, a journey away.  I want to date, yet I am afraid because of the things that are in me.  I am battling with insecurity so therefore, I cannot date at this time if I wanted to.  Right now, I am in a stage of discovering who I am even more.  Needless to say, I am 25 years of age, graduated, and currently finding a way to build my life.  I came up with this subject because dating is hard to come by.  Each moment we spend, we are interacting with others, but finding a common place to grow and flourish is unrealistic because of the turmoil of relationships.  I want to settle down someday.  Often, I picture my life with a husband and children, yet there is more for me to fulfill.  I need and wants God's purpose for my life, and it is sad to say that I do not have the patience or the faith to get through and get over.

Ladies, I commend all of you for your tenacity and diligence.  Having the courage to face challenges are not easily attainable nor is it a pleasant feeling at times.  The dating world is complicated, as for me, I think it has become another obstacle to get through the communication lines.  The way men and women or even how women relate to one another has changed.  Everyone is for themselves and it has become more obvious than ever.  Believe me, I possess selfish ways and it is not good, but it is the truth.  When it comes to dating, we all want our needs and wants accomplished.  My hardship is getting to the first stage of open conversation.  Yes, I consider myself to be cute, adorable, or however the term may suit me, I want to feel free to date without feeling dependent on men.  I know this may seem or appear silly, but I have trouble with accepting men as friends, because I never had the opportunity to have a good male friend in my life before and if he was, he was wrong for me because of what I expected him to be.

I will not prolong this annotation because my point is that it is difficult to get a date or even receive an indication that someone could like me for who I am.  It is just tough.  Well, I guess I need to start working on me, otherwise, I will be a mess for the rest of my life and I do not want that.  Keep me in your prayers and you will be in mine.


Novelist.

[christianthought]

Novelist,

I wanted to respond to this, even though it seems that people are doing more reading than responding these days.  

Although others have surely encouraged you a lot in this, I don't think that you should feel alone in your perspective.  I have noticed rather recently that Christian men and women are not getting married with the frequency that once was, and I don't know why.  Many Christian young women are single now, and not all have issues that make them undateable.  I do have insight into one perspective of the issue.

A LOT of women are single by choice.  It may not appear so to even them, but they choose to be unattached romantically.  I know more than one Christian brother (myself included!) who is about serving and pleasing God, who wants to be in a relationship, and who does NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.  But it seems that women don't want that.  Surveys that I have read say that women are more interested in personality than looks, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

Now make no mistake.  I am not an ugly brother.  I may not be super fine (according to whoever's definition), but I am definitely more towards the good looking side.  I am not bitter or upset, but making an observation.  I am not tall (5'7"), but most people are around my height anyways.  However, it appears that women want the "tall, dark and handsome" type, regardless of the character of the man in question.  

It befuddles me as to how women have a certain paradigm, and won't entertain men outside of that paradigm, no matter how solid that man is.  And they will hold to it at all costs, even if it means being alone.  It is interesting, considering that a lot of times, they are not Model-type women themselves.

Now I KNOW that somebody got mad when they read that last sentence.  But that's ok, because men do the same thing.  But the Church as a whole is more women than men, so that's why I am being hard on women (that and that I am a man).

So I would encourage you to consider the character of the men around you.  I am not saying to consider every decent man, nor am I saying not to have standards.  That is not good, and will lead to many problems, but consider the character with more weight than the looks.  In my life, I am attempting to take the focus off of relationships, but when I look at women, I try to ascertain her character in spite of her looks.  Because "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."  

PS I am not saying to get someone aesthetically unpleasing either, because I don't think God wants us to be...nauseous...at the sight of our mate either. Just thought I would add that.

PSS I apologize if I am out of order in the stating of my perspective.  I don't intend to offend or to be offensive.  I only wanted to express the perspective of myself and other.

[Novelist]

I respect your view and would not disagree, unless it was sexist and indecent, but you said something that made a difference.  Relationships today are different and some people may prefer the single life for whatever purpose.  On my behalf, relationships are essential, but it is defined according to the nature of the relationship.  For instance, a romantic relationship is what I desire and since I have not been apart of the dating scene, it caused me to think differently about the status of men and women as a whole.  The way relationships between boyfriend and girlfriend are similar to marriage now due to the low or high expectation of what people want.  What I want is reasonable, but it has much to do with my past experiences and I do not want this to hinder me from moving on, but it is a norm that I am use to.  As stated in your annotations, you were speaking about women and how they want men to appeal to them in a certain way and it is true.  Some women want the man to be dark, rich, and chocolate, with wealth and plus more, especially when they are not perfect 10s.

Now, I am not a 10, but at least an 8, I would say.  Most times, I feel less than that, but that is a different topic.  More openly, women express when their esteem is down as opposed to men, but I could be wrong because there are men who would express themselves without disregarding their masculinity.  Yes, but according to looks, some women want the man to be a certain height as well, and for me, it does not matter as long as he is not Gary Coleman's height!! But 5'7 or even 5'4 is good for me because I am 5'0.  As for complexion, he could have smooth dark skin or light caramel complexion.  It's all good.

In fact, I am not a bad looking woman myself, so I want to appeal to the man and I want him to appeal to my eye in looks along with personality and his relationship with God to stand out more than anything.  Although, I am still growing in God, I want him to be stronger and if not, have the same mentality.  Basically, I want a Godly relationship to come forth and when it happens, hopefully, I will have myself together without feeling like I cannot move on without someone in my life.  I want to be whole now and when God places his hands on me and him, we will be in the same spirit.  Overall, I did not mean to lose track of what you were saying, but I agree with you and you are right about some things.

Express yourself and you did just that.  Sometimes, it is wonderful to hear a man's point of view and be enlightened in new ways.  Thank you for your expression.


Novelist.

[moderndayEsther]

Praise the Lord everyone!

I am a new member to this board(as of today) and I must say this topic is one that I can definitely relate to.  I have never had a boyfriend (wait! I did have one when I was little one of the little boys from my church.  His sisters hooked us up for like maybe a week!) and never been on a date.  Shoot, I can't really say I have ever had a dude do a double-take (I am more of a Brandy, Kelly Michelle kind of girl in looks, persona ('cept I'm saved-thank u jesus!), etc. not the Beyonce that seems to be whats 'hot' esp. in well everywhere!).  I just turned 20 a few days ago so I know how you feel.  I mean in college most sista's at least want to be engaged by Junior year and most have had bf's and been on dates ever since they were in middle school, etc.  Everytime people find out about this(whether saved or not) they are like, 'Oh, girl I gotta' hook you up...we gotta' find you somebody'.  I'm like no thanks if God would have me to marry, I only want to date my husband.  And I want him to come find me and to be in pursuit of me.  I want what God has for me not what I or the folk in/out of the church think I should have or think I should be with b/c then I won't end up with God's best since we are so finitely minded we can only see the right now and left up to our own devices would take the good thing instead of receiveing the best thing from God in a heartbeat, yet, I would end up with something mediocre, acceptable but not the perfect will of God. Amen!  My sista's and brothers I encourage you in the awesome power, grace, truth, faithfulness that is our God.  What God has said shall come to pass (If He said you will marry, then Heaven will not pass away until you are married!).  Be grateful that you are single now and have not been on a date in some years let God use that to YOUR advantage.  I am a virgin, have never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, never been kissed and can't help, but be excited not only for me but for my future husband-to-be.  Just being able to give him all of me will be a blessing.  Just to see the smile on his face when he finds out all of this will be well worth my waiting.  I thank God for the young man He is preparing for me (if it is His will for me to get married)--'cause truly beleive God is going to pull out all the stops for this one.  To let me know that there is nothing too hard for God nor anything impossible, unfathomable, uncomprehendable, unreachable, inattainable.  He is the Great I AM and quiet capable of orchestrating a Holy love story like you have never heard or could even begin to dream of.  Hold on and be strong.  God has a king for you just as He had for Queen Esther.  Pride yourself in being a princess of the most High and settle for nothing less than the best.  God wants to bless you and,if it is His will,has someone that will choose you out of all of the other beautiful young women to make his wife just as King Ahaserus chose Esther out of all of the other beautiful virgins sought for him.  Be blessed and to God be ALL the glory forever and forever.  Amen.  Selah.

[gracegirl]

What if you've just become Numb to the whole dating thing? I'm a saved, sanctified, fill with the holy spirit w/the evidence of speaking in tongues(not that that really matters), model looks and it's always the unsaved brothers that want a date? Usually I find myself witnessing to them in the long run and then of course I never hear from them again, which is fine with me cause they weren't the "Ones" anyway. But the question of day, that I'm constantly asked is "How come a fine sistah like you is single"? I have a pretty good response to that question, but I'm tired of repeating myself, to the point where I'm asking myself the same question. I know, I know God is prepping me/him, keep praisin him etc. etc.  Is this just one of those weary and single phases? 

[Chrystal Green Gibson]

Grace & Much Peace to you Gracegirl.

It just sounds like you're going through one of those phases of frustration.  I'm sure there are times when you 'feel' ok and then there are times - like now - when you feel like God has possibly forgotten you.  Well, we know that's not the case because he said that he would never leave you or forsake you.

Since this is most likely a phase of frustration - during this time, beging to thank God for EVERYTHING.  This will take your focus off of what you're feeling and it will bring you back to a place humilty and peace.  For the next 30 days write in a notebook EVERYTHING you are grateful for - from the Blood of Jesus to clean socks.  Number the page from 1 to 40 and write everything you are thankful for.  Remember to do this daily for 30 days.

Also, although you don't want to hear this    you must truly believe that God is preparing him and you and you must continue to PRAISE HIM - don't take any of this lightly.  It's all a part of the process.

One more thing - be willing to change your approach to meeting men who are saved and sane.  Don't be afraid to ask your family and/or extended family members for a "hook up".  Also, consider the web site eharmony.com.  You just might have to do something different to get a different result. 

Ultimately, your prayer should be, "Not my will but Your will be done Father".  In His timing He will show you to the man.  After you're married (if that is the Lord's will for your life) there will be a new set of issues that you will have to effectively deal with.  So while you're still waiting - continue to mature in God and praise Him for who He is.  In the words of Hezekiah Walker, "Any way You bless me I'll be satisfied". 

I hope this helps.  God's best blessings to you and yours.